Ok, as a newly-ish thinner girl, (24, eeps!), I neeed help!! I had been fat my whole life and now I am slowly but surely navigating the waters of being of a "normal" size. I am literally half the woman I used to be and life is surely um, strange. It is more a a life-changer at times than you would realize. But, that's for another post.
To the point(-ish, wow this post is long!): One of the issues I have been "learning" is flirting/male attention. I had always been the "fat girl" (and I really just didn't make an effort with my appearance then bc I was so down about the "fat" thing) who had friends, but would never go to bars, etc. to hang out. Now I have friends who never knew me fat and don't know that I was fat and they ask me to hang out with them and go to bars and the like. Well, I have no idea what "league" I'm in or what kind of guy would be interested in me because none were before (or if they seemed like it I thought they were mocking me) so last week when this cute, "cool" smart guy came up to me (me?!) to talk I was so like confused. And he was full on flirting like touching my arm, hand, etc., laughing at my jokes and making his own jokes and we talked for like 3hrs. he even asked me "home" with him after the bar closed (but then a bunch of us friends came bc these were friends of friends, not completely random guys!) and I did and then there he was talking solely to me and he was getting closer and closer and then... my DD ride said it was time to go, she was too tired and didn't want to be there anymore. So I kinda left abruptly. But, he didn't ask for my number or anything so maybe he wasn't that interested? And since then I have been double guessing myself like, "he was only talking to you because you were a friend of a friend and probably there was no one better" or "he was only talking to you because he thought be might be able to get you to spend the night" "If he saw you again he probably wouldn't want to hang out with you again" "He didn't even ask for your number, so obviously he doesn't like you that much."
I also have to mention that my first foray into this land of flirting I actually was the one who tried to befriend this other guy B and he was totally being really distant, and eventually the acquaintanceship/friendship kind of ended leaving me feeling humiliated and rejected. So, I was like, well, if he doesn't like me.... maybe I'm not that pretty etc. In reality that guy B was SO not for me, and I realized it, I was just really physically attracted and that has waned now anyway.
So, since that my confindence has gone a lil bit down.
Oh wow! Did you just read that all?? You get a freaking gold star in my book!!! Thanks for putting up with me and my crap so to speak! I just need to vent sometimes and my friends just can't understand....
So, I guess maybe what I need is advice on flirting, "understanding" (in the most general sense, bc who knows really) guys and confidence. Will you chicas be my agony aunts? Please!
Last edited by shrinkingchica; 03-12-2008 at 09:38 PM.
I didn't date when I was bigger AT ALL and only had my first date/boyfriend when I was 23. So I've only been at it for 2 or so years, but I learned something -- don't read too much into guys. They're pretty simple creatures. If he didn't find you attractive, he wouldn't have come up to you. So it's a fact he found you attractive. It doesn't matter his reasons behind it (it probably was sex, or he wouldn't have invited you back to his place). Guys usually aren't looking for soul mates in bars. And many of the girls on here are going to tell you that guys are attracted to confidence. So don't lose any over one unsavory experience. And don't try too hard. I just be myself on every date I go on, and if they like the real me, then good, and if they don't, well it's their loss! The only flirting "technique" I use is playing with my hair when I'm on a date -- I think guys like that. I guess what I'm saying, is don't think about flirting too much. It comes pretty easily between two people who are attracted to each other. Breathe, Charlotte, breathe
Hey Charlotte,
I know exactly where you are coming from. Your body is half the size it used to be but your mind refuses to accept it. It is wildly confusing and intoxicating at the same time. I don't know you from anyone and maybe you are better adjusted that I was/am but I sought out counseling/therapy to deal with the emotional and self-esteem issues related to growing up grossly obese and then being an "acceptable" size.
Just know your worth and don't sell yourself out. Lots of guys aren't worth your time and it takes a while to get used to the attention before you can weed out the losers. If you want to PM message me, I'll be glad to talk to you further
Good luck and get yourself out there!!!
Wendy
Well... I think what you might be asking is the ultimate "What are guys thinking?" question. The answer: I don't frickin' know. That guy could have been flirting with you just for some fun (in a good way). He could have been really interested, and be kicking himself for not asking for your number. He could have been bored. I don't know.
I never see any harm in flirting for fun.
You want to know how to flirt? Practice smiling. A genuine smile. Eye contact, smile.
hola chica,
Hmm this is a hard one. You have lost weight, and probably look great. but, you need to up your confidence, girlfriend
This guy sounds like he really did like you. Maybe he was just too embarassed to ask for you number, maybe he was afraid of rejection, etc. There can be a lot of reasons. as for the girlfriend who dragged you away, you should have tried your darnest to convince her to stay awhile longer. or you could have asked for his number. I know, its hard. Ive never asked a guy for his number. But it sounds like this one was really crushing on you and would have probably liked your straightforwardness. a lot of guys do. you live and learn. THe number one thing I can tell you is to love yourself, and get your confidence up. make these boys work for you!LOL
It's weird that he talked to you for 3 hours and didn't ask for your number when you left. You must be super hot and he just wanted sex. Or if you are a friend of a friend he could be hoping to bump into you later. Either way, he is/was interested (either in a short or long term way, though!). Anyway just remember that you're hot and you'll be able to attract the right guy for you!
its been a while since i was on the singles scene, you could always try to meet a guy in a sober setting like a bus or a store asking a guy for his opinion on something.
never hurts to try and definetly smile
Well....you said you left abruptly and he could have possibly thought maybe you were not interested in him for leaving abruptly and he didn't get the chance to ask for your number?? In my experience, when a guy spends time ( more than 15 mins) talking to you at a bar, club, etc. it is because he is interested on some level. Guys, generally, are not that nice...they will leave if they are not interested in you. They usually will not carry on a conversation just because.
I'm not so sure this guy would be worth your time anyway...asking you back to his house when you just meet him. Take it as a compliment though. You were so HOT he wanted to take you home. Good luck in the future. When it's right, you won't have to work that hard to flirt and make it click. It will just happen. As for this situation, it is entirely possible that he will try to get your number from the friend of a friend. Even if he doesn't, he is not the only hot guy left that would be interested in you.
Oh man! I hear ya!!! I met my husband 5/6 years ago when I dieted down to a size 12/14... that was the ONLY time I had really gone out "looking" in bars... and I found the guy I married last night. So yeah, things are "rusty" for lack of a better word!
I think the hard thing for us to learn as big girls/now thing girls is that it's not like when you're younger where guys flirt in order to date you. Today... guys flirt to flirt. Guys like the attention and girls like the attention. And sometimes, that's all it is. Flirting. He may have flirted with four other girls the exact same way on other days that week.
It's a way of measuring responses, boosting your ego, feeling better about yourself. And sometimes, sometimes!!!! it's about finding a date.
Maybe yours is one of those times. Maybe he figures since you're friends of friends there's an excellent chance he'll run into you again or he could always ask around since someone knows your number.
Guys don't have unlimited confidence either - it sounds to me like he was putting himself way out there, flirting, inviting you home, and you were too confused to really respond, so he wasn't sure if you were interested back. If you left abruptly, he may just have thought "Oh, guess she isn't interested, I feel dumb, lets not ask for her number." Next time, you can always just give it to them - no harm, no foul - if they're not interested, they won't call, and you don't have to invest ANY more energy in it.
I don't know if I can be of any help, but I can give you my perspective... I don't know what this guys intentions may have been towards you, but I can say from my own experience as someone who is not terribly confident when it comes to dating, I find for me its a ton easier to make friends first with guys and then figure out whether I could be interested in dating them or if they might be interested in me...I know I am better able to be myself around a guy who has become my bud than a total stranger whose intentions are hard to read. And I think if you go into a situation wanting something so bad, its a lot easier to overlook some warning signs, if you go in just wanting to make friends its easier to see if the guy is a jerk. At least that is my experience.
So...I guess my advice is should you run into this fellow again, go ahead and chat him up, get to know him, and decide whether he's a dreamboat later on...in the meantime feel free to get to know some other guys should you meet any interesting ones. Of the guys I have dated, all were friends first, some for years before any sparks flew. Even though those relationships hadn't worked out, I'm still friendly with most of them, and actually I think the more I interacted with guys the more comfortable I've gotten with the process too. And my current boyfriend who I've been with for a few years I originally met about 6 years ago, he was a friend of one of my other guy friends I thought I might want to date (but now realize is a much better friend than boyfriend). Funny how things work out. Anyway, don't stress! Keep going out with your friends and meeting new people and sooner or later the right guy will come along.
If he asks you to his place, but doesn't ask for your number, he's looking to use you. Sucks being beautiful, eh chica? These guys see you for what you are, not what you *think* you are/remember what you used to be.
Practice your flirting, for itès tons of fun, but remember any guy that's worth it values your personality before your looks.
Wowee let's give boys more credit!! I don't think he was necessarily out to be a butt or anything. I mean you did say that it was in a group-- the whole "friends of friends" deal.
I'm going along with the whole he might have found it awkward with the "abrupt" leaving. And again, he might be waiting on running into you again too!
Of course, there is the chance that he IS a butt and he's just lookin to hook up with a hot lady, but you don't know him, none of us know him (I think), so it's not really fair for us to pass judgement on him. Maybe he's all super socially awkward and he was just like "uhhh uhh yeah ok bye" and completely FORGOT that asking for a lady's number was an option! (I'm not EVEN being sarcastic-- I have actually witnessed such a situation)
Either way, here's to hoping that you may run into him again (if you wish) or that another dude (who is maybe more rad) comes along soon! And besides, in this day and age, it's okay for the lady to give her number too. If the DD wants to get going (like this past time) you could be like "Aww gee willikers!" (or something to that effect) "I gotta go... but hey it was really cool talking to you! Call me up sometime!" (insert digits here).
Yeah my response is getting way too long. But best of luck in the future!!!
There's always the possibility that he wanted you to offer your number. For all you know, he might be kicking himself right now for not being more forward (although inviting you back to his place is a pretty big leap). I think the mindset you need to put yourself in is if you see a guy you are interested in, either across a room or right next to you, give him a smile (my little secret is to catch his attention, smile, tilt my head to the side and bat my eyes once or twice). Even say hello. Let him be intrigued, and want to know more. Guys are very curious, exploratory creatures. If he likes what he sees, he will return that gesture, and most likely strike up a conversation. Just keep confident and let things fall into place. You worked hard to get to where you are. If you exude confidence, you will be noticed .
Also, I think they [men] should usually be given the benefit of the doubt. Most are not creepy and vile and only want to use you. But for those that do, it will become very clear if that is their intention. Definitely keep your wits, but don't be afraid to let someone in and get to know you.
Flirting/Guy Issues/ADVICE
(or if they seemed like it I thought they were mocking me) so last week when this cute, "cool" smart guy came up to me (me?!) to talk I was so like confused. And he was full on flirting like touching my arm, hand, etc., laughing at my jokes and making his own jokes and we talked for like 3hrs. he even asked me "home" with him after the bar closed (but then a bunch of us friends came bc these were friends of friends, not completely random guys!) and I did and then there he was talking solely to me and he was getting closer and closer and then... my DD ride said it was time to go, she was too tired and didn't want to be there anymore. So I kinda left abruptly. But, he didn't ask for my number or anything so maybe he wasn't that interested? And since then I have been double guessing myself like, "he was only talking to you because you were a friend of a friend and probably there was no one better" or "he was only talking to you because he thought be might be able to get you to spend the night" "If he saw you again he probably wouldn't want to hang out with you again" "He didn't even ask for your number, so obviously he doesn't like you that much." 
I just need to vent sometimes and my friends just can't understand....
and would have probably liked your straightforwardness. a lot of guys do. you live and learn. THe number one thing I can tell you is to love yourself, and get your confidence up. make these boys work for you!LOL
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