Angie and I are the guardians of my 17 yr. old nephew. Every thursday my nephew is supposed to walk from his high school up to our church, a half mile away, and hang out with the other kids and youth director until youth group starts at 6pm. Every thursday night Angie and I go pick him up at 8:30. This has been going on for 3 years. Tonight...won't go into details on how I found out...I find out that he has been going into a "tough" part of town from 2:30 until 6:00 skateboarding with his buddies at the Dollar Store parking lot, then jamming up to youth group.
Needless to say I am P.O.!!
He thinks it is OK because he says he didn't lie to me...'cause I never asked "Did you go right from school to youth group?"....like he was instructed to do...he says I didn't tell him "every time" to go right to church...WHAT!!! The ..... screaming here!!!
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I am sorry to say this is normal teenage behavior. IF it is totally understood he is to go straight to the church then yes, something has to be done. With my kids, if you want to act 5 I will treat you like you are 5. He can not be allowed to go there himself. Someone has to pick him up from school ( oh my gosh teenagers hate this ) and taken INTO the church.
1) I really like SHY's idea of picking him up from school, and escorting him to the church while dressed in a really obnoxious outfit would be great ~ lol (but I know that you work and that may not be possible for you). Could you arrange one for a short while, like for 3 months probation (one month for each year he disobeyed)?
2) 3 x months community service (again one month for each year)
3) nephew must write and lead 3 x youth group meetings about why we are supposed to respect and obey our parents, and rules & regulations in our church and society.
4) nephew must invite his skate boarding buddies to the youth group at least 3 x times (one he must be leading).
5) volunteer work with the youth and/or your church for 3 x weekends.
I think with teens the consequences must teach them something and be fair (not be too overly long or strict), or they may lose their effectiveness.
I have to say this...and I'm sorry if it offends you at all. First of all, this response is sort of contingent on my understanding that your nephew has only been going to this rough part of town recently and not for the whole three years that this after-school schedule has been in effect. IMHO, if he has been doing this for three years, then that kind of defiance and deception needs to be punished. On the other hand, if he has only started to make this decision recently, then maybe 17 is the time to let him have a little more freedom. After all, in a matter of months he will legally be an adult and have to make many, many difficult decisions on his own. Perhaps you could use this as a learning tool. Let him make his own decisions about who he hangs out with and what he does in his spare time, but with the understanding that there will be big trouble if his grades slip, or if he stops going to youth group, or if he breaks curfew or gets into any trouble.
That said, your parenting is your business, and it sounds like you are really good parents. And if this part of town is REALLY tough, then of course you are right to be very angry. I hope you and your nephew can get through this with mutual understanding a minimum of unpleasantness.
Last edited by KendraLynn; 02-08-2008 at 02:09 AM.
Obviously we don't all know the history involved, but... 17 is pretty close to being a grown man. Personally, I don't think that you "punish" 17 year olds. I'd talk to him about the lack of respect involved in misleading his guardians when you had trusted him to keep his word. If he's generally a good kid then he already feels pretty badly about misleading you; whether he admits it or not. You learn to make good choices through practice; micro-managing his time doesn't really give him the opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them.
You could also try what my Dad did. Tell him that if he's got time to hang around on street corners, then he's got time to get himself a job.
i don't have punishment ideas...but what i do know is what my dad use to say. "you live under my house, you live under my rules" no matter what age we were living under their roof...we had to respect the rules. Even if we were legally adults. I think punishment is needed. I think the idea of picking him up daily is great...also extra chores. Now i don't have kids...so punishment ideas are limited, but what i can tell you, is my parents punished us for inappropriate behavior...and we turned out pretty darn ok. I think if you allow him to "get away with this" he will keep pushing the boundries of the rules. good luck!
I'm with GG and SHY! My parents always said that if I live under their roof, I go by their rules. I realize he is almost a "man", but I would tell him that is it's so hard for him to get to the church on his own then you will provide the transportation. Be it you or someone else. I have a 16 year old that would NOT dare to do anything other than what he is told. He is so paranoid we will find out about any wrong doing. He thinks I have some sort of ESP. LOL!
Basically, until he pays his own rent to you or someone else, do as you say.
Well, as the wife of a former late 1970's Southern California skateboarding fanatic, my husband would be thrilled to hear that Kyle was sneaking off to go skateboarding and would probably be more mad that he was doing it without him. But that's just us. Hey, at least he's not home playing VIDEO GAMES ...or ... watching TV Sorry...just that my daughter was yelled at recently by one of her friends that spent the night here that we watch too much TV and play to many video games because whenever she comes over, we're all playing Rock Band (I'm the singer!) and watching hockey. We're so pent up here in the snow and cold that if I heard that either of my kids were sneaking around skateboarding with friends, I'd be more thinking, "thank God they're getting fresh air (okay...maybe not FRESH air in LA) and sunshine and being normal teenagers!"
But the defying you thing should be addessed, I agree. IMHO, going skateboarding is cool, you just want to know where he is and who he's hanging out with. I mean, really, given the choice...at 17...you're handed, 'hmmmm...go hang out at church for a few hours or....go skateboarding in the SoCal sun for a few hours with my friends....hmmmm....' I think only a monk would choose the first choice. As long as he's not 'under the bridge downtown', like most have said, in a few months, he'll be old enough to fight in Iraq. Just let it be known that he has to respect you as the adult in charge and let you know where he's at and what he's doing and you'll respect him as an almost adult.
IMHO, going skateboarding is cool, you just want to know where he is and who he's hanging out with. I mean, really, given the choice...at 17...you're handed, 'hmmmm...go hang out at church for a few hours or....go skateboarding in the SoCal sun for a few hours with my friends....hmmmm....' I think only a monk would choose the first choice. As long as he's not 'under the bridge downtown', like most have said, in a few months, he'll be old enough to fight in Iraq. Just let it be known that he has to respect you as the adult in charge and let you know where he's at and what he's doing and you'll respect him as an almost adult.
I couldn't have said it better! Maybe the "tough" part of town is the only place they don't care if people skateboard. I was a skater in high school and so was my DH so I know how that is
Seriously though, because of his age - if he isn't doing anything illegal/immoral/unethical etc when he is not at the youth group, then I don't think it calls for harsh punishment. I would sit him down, explain that you are still the adult and he is still the minor child. You still want to know where he is and who he is with. You want to know he is safe. You are right, he shouldn't have been making it look like he was at the youth program all afternoon but the kid is 17 and I think what he is doing is pretty normal for that age! Has he ever expressed that he doesn't want to be involved in a church youth group? It might also be that he is experimenting with his thoughts on religion. Try bringing it up - maybe some other youth group would fit better with what he likes to do?
All that being said you are his guardian and it is up to you to decide how to parent him
As long as he was staying out of trouble, I'd punish him lightly. Sure we want kids to do what we say 100% of the time, but they don't. And when they don't, they have to learn about repercussions.
I have a 17 year old son myself and I do still 'punish' him when he doesn't do as he is told. I say a good talking to and taking a couple of things away that he likes for a week would be sufficient. My son knows the computer, phone, mp3 player, tv, driving privilege, going out with friends, etc. are all things he'll do without if he messes up.
Gary~is it posted at the Dollar store parking lot that skateboarding is prohibited? It very well could be if they have a problem with kids loitering and skating on the premises. Go check it out. If it is prohibited you could explain that them doing it is illegal and he could get arrested and point out what would happen if that were to occur.
Now if there are no signs prohibiting loitering or skateboarding, you will need to think of something else. I like the idea of making him do community service, but it's often hard to make sure he's actually doing it. With your job, it's probably impossible to pick him up and take him to church yourself (thus why he is supposed to walk there) so you'll either have to come up with a punishment for his not obeying your request or come up with an incentive to get him to go there right after school. Is he still playing tennis? Can you talk with the coach to see if he can threaten to take him off the team? Can you see if he can get in extra practice time? I don't know. Hope it turns out okay.
Gary,
My thought is that you don't really need any advice but you needed to blow off some steam. That being said, I agree with KendraLynn. Given the fact that you are his guardians there is obviously some history here ... just let God guide you in your discussion/punishment of this behavior and I am sure you will do the right thing.
For the record, I am sure you know that simply the fact that he "jammed up to the youth group" says that he knew what he was doing was wrong-or at least against your rules...and, I, too, expect [pray?] my children to chose the youth group over the dollar store skaters - there are plenty of youth groups that included skaters in their ministry...any near you?
Good luck to you and God bless...remember, Jesus was all about love and forgiveness...!
I can understand you are angry, but taking action first before punishment may help your relationship from crumbling.
Do you know if he is up to no good? Get his picture, bring it to the Dollar store and ask them if they recognize him... then ask them what he does. Then talk to the pastor of the youth group. See what he is like there. How long is he there? Is he participating? Is he getting along with others?
If he is partaking in a good amount of youth, consider the following:
he could just be hanging with some friends who live in the area, it seems like a neutral area where he is safe (compared to trying to sneak into raves, bars etc). Just because his friends may live in the bad areas doesn't necessarily mean they are bad people. Heck I live in an unsavory area... because of what I can afford. I'm not a drug taking, booze drinking party goer. I am a full time college employee with two children trying to afford the best that I can for my family.
If you have not noticed anything strange about your nephew (either physically or mentally) going on at home or at school, then give him a little leeway: Talk to him, see why he is hanging around there. Explain why you dont want him there, and see if you can both come up with a plan. Maybe agree on some place that is a little safer to "hang out".
If he is admitting this to you, then he feels comfortable with you (awesome!). In my opinion, if a teenager was up to no good, he deffinately wouldn't tell you. I believe it's his way of seeing how much you trust him and his decisions. Kind of like a test of faith - your faith in him.
If after that talk he still decides to go there, then I would think about punishment.
Last edited by tamaralynn; 02-08-2008 at 09:10 PM.
Okay this has nothing to with a proper punishment, but as a way of preventing it from happening again. Does your church have a parking lot where he and his friends can skate between school and youth group? It might help get his friends to go to youth group too.
Knucklehead Is Killin' Me!
ROSEBUD
...or ... watching TV 
so I know how that is 
