Wow....I totally went off the radar for a while...
But I think I'm ready to get back into the swing of things. I hope so, anyway. I really hate feeling this way.
Because I really do consider you guys to be my second family, I will share what I have dealt with lately, not for the expectation of any pity, but more for the sake of getting it out there and off of my chest. I feel like I've literally been crushed by all of this for so long, and even though happy things have happened in the past few days, I just feel like I can't be truly happy when I'm still carrying around all of this negativity.
Some of you know that I was helping my grandmother with my grandpa, who had been going through cardio-pulmonary issues. One night, he was in the shower while I was folding laundry. I heard a very heavy, very sickening thud come from the bathroom, and by the time I got there, he was blue. He weighed well over 350 pounds at the time, and there was no way I could get him up off the floor. It was also obvious that he had a dislocated shoulder and a badly broken ankle. The only thing I could do was start CPR and call 911.
During the flight to a larger, better equipped hospital, he died 3 times. Somehow, he managed to make it through his extensive surgeries. Before it was all said and done, he required open heart surgery, a plate in his neck to stabilize a fracture he suffered during the fall, surgery to fix the broken ankle as well as a knee replacement, as well as a procedure to clean out all the left-overs crunching around in his shoulder. Needless to say, the process of getting him moving around again has been horrendous.
I finally put my foot down and just said "Enough is enough", and had my grandmother hire a nurse to sit with him. I'm not even 20 years old yet, and here I am being smothered by the lives of others. Sure, it may be selfish of me, but if I don't get selfish at some point, all of this is just going to do me in. I love my family, obviously, but I love myself as well, and I see the affect all of this has had on me, mentally, physically, and emotionally. No more. No more of this self-depreciating, self-loathing, self-blaming mentality.
The only thing I have control of is how I treat myself, and it's time I take ownership of that.
I owe myself this. I deserve this. I deserve a healthy life. Life isn't measured in sizes or pounds; it's measured in years and memories and those breath taking moments that I want to be around to see. I deserve the best, longest life possible, and that's what I'm working towards.
Nothing is going to stand in my way this time. I can't keep getting side-tracked by other people, and by things I pile on myself needlessly, or things I let other people pile on me. I have my own life to look forward to. I have a gorgeous fiancé who means the world to me, and I've got a new life in a new state to look forward to and to start working towards.
It's time I start being more of a presence here. End of story.
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