I just found out my friend has been throwing up, already she eats very little and works out a lot, but all not enough to gain much notice. She looks very healthy too, lean not skinny, so it's makes it even harder to tell. She is one of the most gorgeous women I know, but she has no confidence in herself. I know that eating disorders come from issues other than straight body image and I don't believe she has an all consuming problem ( not that that matters) since she doesn't seem to be missing out on time with friends or school. We just need to nip it in the butt before it gets worse and an even harder problem to deal with. While I have had body issues underneath that I have always been confident in who I was and as conceited as it may sound I can only relate so much to her situation. PLEASE help me understand this more and figure out what I should do! She seems completely together and strong to the rest of the world and no one who doesn't see her eat would even guess a thing like that. Please comment, I need as much help as I can get.
Alright, hopefully I will be able to help you out. I've never been bullemic, but I have dealt with extreme eating disorders for the past nine years, so I know a lot about them. You're absolutely right about it being about something deeper than what it appears to be on the surface. Bullemia is an emotional eating disorder, and you can't deal with it by trying to correct the physical issues and doing nothing about the emotional ones. To be perfectly honest, your friend might just need someone to talk to. I know that when I was at the worst point of my eating disorder, a friend of mine probably saved my life just because he wasn't scared off by it, he actually sat me down and had me talk to him. And he LISTENED. He also refused to back off and leave me on my own to hurt myself. You might need to get in her life, even if she tries to push you away. Not in a judgmental, condemning or obnoxious way; but with real, honest love. Just be there for her, love her and don't wait for her to ask for your help or for your company. Don't patronize her by any means or look at her as being "sick" and don't let this define her, even in your mind. She needs positive affirmation of who she is as a person. She needs to know that this disorder is not her identity. That is huge. People usually aid in the eating disorder by treating their friends like lepers when they find out about them. That is a bad move! Talk to her, be there for her, get into her life and LOVE her. Let her know you aren't going anywhere, and even if she pushes you away at first, eventually she will come to you. Do this, and I promise...you could be the one person who ends up changing her life.
There is another issue you need to be careful of ....codependency. I would wait until your friend reaches out. It is very easy to go from being concerned to controlling and this is something we overweight people are: controlling. I think we try to fix everything around us rather than deal with our own issues about weight, losing weight and striving towards resolution of our own body image issues. You can't help another until you help yourself. First things first.
I am a recovering compulsive overeater of 12 1/2 years. The 12 Step program is a way out of food addictions one meal at a time and one day at a time.
Here is another idea that you may not have considered. Your "recovery" and eating sensibly will say more than all of the talk in the world. If you show her by example that there is another way to good health via sensible and moderate eating and exercise she might see that she doesn't have to resort to such extreme measures to conform to whatever ideal she is attempting to conform to.
Again, let your choices and life be the shining guide. If she is a close enough friend, she will see it rather than hear it and actions speak louder than words.
Wow both really good responses. I was bulimic for 24 years and I am still vulnerable to it. It's a hard row I'll tell you for certain!!! And it never really had anything to do with food for me. It was something I did to work everything out on.
I hope you take the support approach and not I'm-gonna-get-you-to-stop approach - you can drive a person further away because bulimia is very very complex......
Good luck. You are a good friend and I hope your friend knows this.
Oh goodness, you are treading in some pretty deep water here. Many moons ago I went through a bulimic "phase" that sounds a lot like your friend and I honestly thought there was nothing wrong with it. This was before EDs had gained the publicity they have now, but even had I had the information I have now, I think with the mindset I had at that time I would have shrugged it off and said "that doesn't apply to me". Like your friend, I exercised religiously and constantly got compliments on my physical appearance - even from doctors - that reinforced my belief I was doing the right thing. If someone had confronted me I would have A) been mortified that someone knew and probably avoided future contect with that person - this type of behavior is very private and very personal; and B) Denied it was a problem and insisted I only did it "once in a while".
How did you find out? If she let it slip herself then she could be "testing the waters" to see what the reaction will be if she admits she thinks she has a problem. Maybe you could mention that you found this great website called 3FC and you read some interesting posts on the "chicks in control" board. That could open the door for her. If you reach out and she takes your hand, by all means, grab on and hold tight. But if she is in denial she is going to react in exactly the way an alcoholic reacts when confronted and it's going to take time to get her to realize this is a problem. In some ways an ED can be even worse than alcohol because it's soooo private (You can find a bar on every corner but I don't think there has been a public vomitorium since ancient Greece)
If she tries to shrug it off, then think very carefully before you take it any further and absolutely don't make it a confrontation right off the bat so you don't end up alienating her. Interventions can work but can be totally devistating and end up doing more harm than good to the person you are trying to help if you don't handle it properly - you don't want to leave her feeling blindsided by someone she thought was her friend. I would strongly recommend consulting with a professional before you tried anything that drastic. And I'm really glad to hear you are a strong and confident person because, if you decide you are going to pursue the issue, you will need to be prepared for her to say some nasty things to you - like, that you are just jealous because she is thin and you are not. That's really often a part of most (if not all) "ic" diseases - if someone is threatening our status quo we try to bring them to the same level of emotional distress we are experiencing. It's not the real her talking so try not to take it personally.
I was incredibly lucky and able recognize I was risking my health and move forward on my own without ending up in the hospital (although I still have moments when I actually miss being able to control my weight that way) and would be willing to bet there are gazillions of people out there who have gone through this on their own as well (remember when I said this is a very private behavior?). Your friend is very lucky to have someone who cares enough to find out about, and try and understand, what she is going through. I'll send all the good thoughts I can muster your way and hopes that everything works out OK. Come back and let us know.
Coming from someone who had Anorexia and is currently ED-NOS, your friend sounds exactly the same way but headed in the direction of Bulimarexia. This is a hybrid between Bulimia and Anorexia, as you might imagine. While ED-NOS (Eating Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified), your friend (as well as myself) are categorized by having issues with food that can either lead into Anorexia, Bulimia, Bulimarexia, or even Anorexia Athletica. You would need to have her formally diagnosed, though.
While ED-NOS, the disordered person has low self esteem and often the habits of those with Anorexia, Bulimia, ect. without falling underweight. They obsess about food, they count calories, they are tied to the scale, they exercise, they purge, they binge, but all the while they are not quite full blown Anorexic or Bulimic. To qualify for these, you need to lose your period and be underweight.
I believe Anorexia and Bulimia are bad enough on their own, but put the two together (as it seems your friend has both) and you have the worst disaster yet. GET HER HELP. The Bulimarexic is both things, which means double the trouble. It's absolutely, no holds barred, the worst eating disorder to have. You have not one demon, but two. At the height of my Anorexia, I was SO jealous of the Bulimarexics. You see, if they screwed up and ate too much, they could just puke it up anyways. The point to Anorexia is to eat as little as possible. The Bulimarexic could never fail, but I could. I was envious (which is sick now to think about it), but there it is. A full-blown case of Bulimarexia is a monster that cannot fail if nothing is done early. Your friend seems headed down this path.
Really, intervene now if she will let you. I hope she will. =/
Thanks for all your comments, I'll let you guys know what I end up doing. While I was always aware or her exercising and little eating, since it was right in front of me, the throwing up I was told by her roommate and someone who worked with her over the summer (all mutual friends) so more people know and I think we are going to figure out things together. But dont worry we don't plan on confronting tigether or anything like that. Thanks again for all the help, I haven't ever had to deal with this and really apprieciate the words of wisdom.
Friends with Eating Disorders. PLEASE HELP!!
One caveat though.....
