How do you go about changing these feelings you have about yourself? I think I've felt this way for years at times. I have realized that this has been the way I've felt for many things; not just weight loss.
Any ideas on how to change this way of thinking?
Those feelings are tough feelings to have. I know that I still struggle with them every now and again. I went through three years of therapy to be able to look myself in the eye (in the mirror of course).
Sadly these feelings can't just go away. You have to find something about yoruself that you love. You have to discover your self worth.
My therapist told me once: Smart women light the way. You can always lose weight, but being smart...that's something special. That's what stuck to me.
The key is you have to find something about you that special/unique and go with it. Your worth shouldn't be based on what other people think about you or how other people treat you. You should love you for who you are.
I hope that doesn't sound preachy and whatnot...but it something I've learned.
Hope it helps, even in the tiniest bit.
Last edited by THE Heather; 01-14-2008 at 09:34 PM.
It's taken a bit of work, but for me it's really a matter of finding a definition of myself I like, and giving myself praise for what I can do. I can't deal with being a failure who won't give up even though everyone knows she'll never succeed. I can deal with being the plucky underdog who shows up and does her best every single time, whether she succeeds at first or not. I don't have to feel guilty no matter how overweight I am if I eat right and exercise every day- I know I'm healthy. Anyone who says otherwhise doesn't want what's best for me and can be safely ignored.
Just think about the sort of people you admire. Most likely, they're not perfect. Most likely they're not even close, and they have some pretty major flaws. But what makes the difference is their acceptance of those flaws as part of their quirky and lovable selves, and their tending of the skills they have and the activities they enjoy.
You are special, you are a child of God, you are unique, you are precious, you are amazing, you are YOU. Be the best you that you can be. Make a list of all of the things you do well. Things that you (at least occasionally) like about yourself. What do others like about you? Now - post the list on the mirror and read it daily. Every time you go by the mirror, remind yourself that you are special, worthy, valued and loved. Finally, consider volunteering or doing things for others. In doing such, it will help you see yourself from "outside".
Last edited by CountingDown; 01-14-2008 at 10:08 PM.
I wish I could tell you how to stop having those feelings. I have them myself, and every day I wish for a quick answer to that one. There are a few things that I've found that seem to help me remember that, even on days when I feel like a huge lump, I do matter to someone.
1) My state of mind seems to improve if I exercise. So, if I'm having a particularly bad day, I try to go for a walk or something. Of course, the days when you're having a hard time also seem to always be the days when it's hardest to get out there for any type of activity. But, let your logical side rule your emotional side for long enough to get out the door, and your state of mind will thank you later.
2.) I make lists. All kinds of lists. Sometimes it's tough to come up with a list of good things about yourself when you're feeling bad, so I've sometimes just made a list of all the things that I "hate" (strong word, I know, but in the moment it seems to fit) in my life at that moment. It seems like writing everything out in a list, scribbling fast and mercilessly, really helps me to feel more in control of the situation. Of course, if you can manage to make a list of good things about yourself, that's even better!
Like I said, I wish that I could give you a more succinct answer, but I haven't found one yet. You are important, and you're worth everything that you've earned. Keep your chin up.
Unfortunately, the culture we live in sometimes encourages feelings of being unworthy, undeserving, or bad. Other cultures don't necessarily share this.
For example, the Dalai Lama, who is a well-known figure in Tibetan Buddhism and winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, was talking with some Western psychologists about Western concepts of self, and they told him about "self-hatred." He asked if this was a neurological disease--because the idea of hating oneself was so foreign to him!
What a good therapist or counselor can do is help you to sort out the kind of thinking that takes place just below the surface--thinking that tells you those negative messages. When you find the pattern of thought, you can work on counteracting that pattern.
What this has to do with weight loss might be that when we feel bad, we need or want comfort. If food is the only comfort we've been allowed, or have allowed ourselves, then that's what we'll turn to.
Focus on the fact that you are alive--that you are a precious human being--even if you don't believe that right now. Tell yourself that you ARE worthy and deserving--because that's true. Fake it til you make it! And look into getting some counseling help.
I'm still struggling with feeling undeserving and unworthy myself, even though I've been at goal for over two months! I DO have a few ideas, though:
Go out one day and put on the sexiest, most flattering outfit you own, spend some time on your hair and make-up, and watch the attention flock to you. Make a list of all the things you love about yourself. I also agree with aerotigergirl - making a "hate list" can be really fun and liberating! I made one once when I was going through a difficult time in my life and I came up with 65 things.
If you can, buy yourself a punching bag. I got one recently and it has helped tremendously with my agression-related issues. I feel really good when I bounce up and down and knock the crap out of that harmless, inanimate object.
Also, drinking energy drinks can sometimes be a nice pick-me-up. My favorite is Zero Carb RockStar - the one in the blue can. It won't necessarily boost your self esteem, but it will put you in a significantly better mood and make you feel more inspired.
Jay is right, our society DOES promote self-hatred. For some very peculiar reason, we like to perpetuate the idea that no one is good enough. For instance, we watch television shows where real people's talents, abilities, and looks are ripped to shards and we call it entertainment. As a society, we seem to love to discuss the shortcomings of others as opposed to their strengths. This would lead to self hatred in many, many people.
On top of that, a good portion of us fat chicks and ex fat chicks have dealt with our share of ridicule. Being consistantly ridiculed for more than half your life can induce self hatred in almost anyone.
Last edited by NightengaleShane; 01-15-2008 at 08:38 AM.
Aerotiger is absolutely right! When I go without exercise I am cranky, miserable, and depressed. As soon as I start a regular regimine at the gym, or walking around town, or rock climbing, or anything, my mood improves and not only do those "you're useless" thoughts go away, but for some reason I stop thinking about how I feel about ME completely! Give it a shot and buck up, we are all amazing!
such smart people we have around here! as you can see, we've all dealt with it over the years. and frankly, it truly affects our ability to maintain any progress we make.
in addition to all the wonderful comments, here are a couple of things i've found helpful to me over the years:
1. changing the self-talk. instead of thinking that you're a failure because you ate something or didn't exercise, or were late for an appointment, or whatever, focus instead on WHY IT HAPPENED and work on a strategy for bouncing back. the message here is that a 'mistake' doesn't define YOU as a person. and YOU have control over what you do next. focus on ACTION, not thinking.
2. when you're feeling bad about yourself or some incident, pretend you're hearing about it from a dear friend - what would you tell her? how would you comfort her? what would you suggest? AND THERE YOU HAVE IT! bottom line, it's important that we treat ourselves, and talk to ourselves, the same way we treat our friends.
hope this gets you started - changing the way we look at ourselves is a LONG process. and it starts with a single step. you can do this!
Feeling undeserved/not worthy
Jay, that Dali Lami story is quite interesting! 
I'm overwhelmed by the response. I can't thank you all enough for your advice. 