Hi all, this is my first time on a blog. I'm at my wits end with my weight. At 48 it goes on much easier than it comes off. I've battled weight all my life thanks to a mother who made me feel like I was fat and had me on a diet in first grade!!! My brothers would get the real food and I'd get vegtables and disapproving looks. Later when I was 45 we all looked back at old family slides and I had to ask my sister who the not fat girl in the pictures were. It was me but they sure didn't match my mental image. I know I have to stop the emotional and boredem eating and cut WAY back on the wine but can't do it. I've been to a thereapist and feel like I've faced my demons but I still eat and drink too much. I'm not good at writing things down and am terrible trying to follow anything but calorie counting. I'm ok most days until I get to the evening then look out. Just writing this makes me want to cry as I feel so vulnerable. Sorry I'm being so random I just don't know where to start. I have a cruise booked for May and would love to lose at least 20lbs by then, by the way I'm currently at 205 the highest of my life.
One last thing, I wake up in the night and consanty tell myself how fat I am and how horrible and stupid I was during the day promising to not be thenext and it never works. Does anyone have any insights? I'd love to hear them.
So the first thing I want to say is get rid of that horrible voice that you wake up to in the middle of the night. Unless you like who you are now (or can learn to like yourself) and forgive yourself for those little mistakes you make here and there you'll never move on.
Are you sure you've faced all your demons? It sounds like you still have some emotions to deal with as well as eating problems.
Do you have a plan of attack for food? Is there a certain plan/diet you want to follow to lose anything? Are there things you can do to avoid the usual times you emotional/boredom eat? Somewhere you can stash the wine?
I know where you're coming from, emotional/boredom eating is my demon and the voices in my head aren't very friendly . I still have a lot of negative thought patterns, but I'm working on changing them. If they don't change here, I plan to go to a therapist in January, because feeling worthless is just getting frustrating.
*hugs* again. And good luck. You'll find lots of support here.
It sounds like you were thrown into a deep, dark well by your mother and when you got older, you started digging yourself even deeper. You've become so used to seeing the world from the bottom, that you can't imagine ever getting out. Many of us are in our own wells, or have been at one point.
Very much like you, I was put on my first diet before I had any choice in the matter. I was in kindergarten (bribed with pet turtles, just like the ones in class), although I was undeniably fat after age 4, I was much fatter in my mind than photos prove I was. For the most part though, I've escaped much of the self-hatred that growing up fat or weight-obsessed usually entails. I can't really tell you why, just that I know it is possible.
I'm also about 5'6" and my goal weight (for now, at least) is even higher than your current weight, because not too long ago, I was looking through photos and saw a photo of me at about 220, and thought how "hot" I looked, despite still being very curvy.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't want to lose weight, just that you do not have to hate yourself to do it. It sounds like you may expect too much from yourself too soon, and get very angry and frustrated with yourself if you're not perfect. I think you need to start with loving and caring for yourself NOW, not promising yourself or hoping that you will after you lose 30 lbs.
Start small. Plan one small change that you can do every day. It might be drinking water. It might be some form of exercise. It might be cutting out one food that you have problems with. Pat yourself on the back when you succeed. Make a new plan if it doesn't succeed (without bashing yourself for failing).
You might at least consider giving journaling another try. Not many people find it natural at first, but a food and feelings journal can be such benefit because when you feel like you haven't made any progress, sometimes going back and reading your journal can show you in black and white that you have made progress, or show you where your weaknesses are in a way that memory sometimes doesn't. If it just isn't for you, that is fine too.
For me, I've created a sticker chart for every pound lost, and when I've lost 5lbs, I give myself a small reward, like a magazine or paperback book. It helps keep weight loss fun and motivating, and empasized the positives not the negatives.
The biggest thing to remember is that weight loss is very hard. Whether you have 250 lbs to lose or 10. Your body and brain fight you every step of the way whenever you try to make any change in your life, but especially weight loss. Do not allow yourself to treat yourself in a way that you would never consider treating another person. Every time you want to be mean to yourself, ask yourself if you would treat a stranger that way. How about a friend? Shouldn't you be your own best friend, and treat yourself that way.
There are worse things than being fat, and I think hating yourself is near the top of the list. If you can learn to be kind to yourself, I think weight loss will be easier, and I can promise that it will be less painful.
salamander, I can't add much to what kaplods said so eloquently. You really do need to love yourself - NOW! Unconditionally. Calorie counting is an excellent choice. It is working well for me. I recommend using a site/software like Fitday to journal your exercise, weight, food, moods, etc. It helps me be accountable and spot troublesome trends.
Start small, feel good about small successes, and build from there. You can do this. Every day is a new opportunity for success. When you master one positive change, add in the next. It isn't a race, you can take as long as you need.
I just know you can do it!
Kaplods said it very well. You can't keep belittling yourself and then expect to wake up one morning thin & loving yourself.
In fact, I suggest you re-read what she wrote to you and focus on doing something small for your health. And truly this is about your health. Physical & Mental.
I am 54 years old. I had been to numerous therapists and support groups but I never "got it". It wasn't until I met my husband who offered me some of the most clear insights I have had regarding my troubled relationship with my mother did I understand that she was a very lonely, troubled woman who was carrying a lot of pain which she inflicted on me and my sister. In my mind I knew that. I didn't always see it but I knew it. I felt it was unfair. Why couldn't she be like what other Moms were or what I thought they were like. I had needs. She did too. She lost a mother. She moved to a place where she was rejected, humiliated and unloved. She tried to contain the pain but it spilled out on to us. My husband taught me to have compassion for my Mom and feel her pain. When I did that, I began to understand her. I never had the kind of peace about that relationship until I finally FORGAVE HER.
You are harboring a lot of anger and pain. I have a feeling that when you acknowledge this your night demons will disappear. Blaming your mother for your present unhappiness will NOT solve your problems.
I spent thousands of dollars and lots of time working on this issue. At one point, I stopped seeing my last therapist and told her" I have nothing left to say". I was "talked out".
MAYBE, some of these pointers may help:
1) Life is unfair. Say that a loud ten times a day until you "get it".
2) I am the SOLE PERSON who can determine what kind of day I will have.
3) I will wake up every morning and tell myself 'TODAY IS THE ONLY 24 HOURS I HAVE TO LIVE. TOMORROW WILL TAKE CARE OF ITSELF".
4)Read, listen to any one who has had a much more difficult life than you and I have had and see how THEY overcame their obstacles. BE GRATEFUL IT WASN'T WORSE!
5)YOU AND YOU ALONE determine how you will feel by how you think. Begin TODAY by thinking good thoughts about yourself, your mother, your past, present, future and others.
6)Do something good for someone else without expecting anything in return.
7)If you feel suicidal get to an emergency room NOW!
8)Go to a 12 Step meeting for your alcoholism. If you aren't ready to quit drinking, go any way.
9)Listen to what these other folks here have to say---there is a lot of wisdom among all of us.
10) LOVE YOURSELF. That is where any good change starts.
Good luck, God bless and hang with us. We are here for the long haul and we will help you as much as you have JUST helped us.
Last edited by pamatga; 11-24-2007 at 01:48 PM.
Reason: more info
Many words of wisdom so far... read them and reflect on them and see if any help you see wisdom yourself.
I will say this. There is no "magic" weight loss. At least not successful weight loss -- meaning weight loss that stays off. It IS work, every day. But I have found it to be worth it. Very worth it.
This is not just a physical journey, but a mental one as well. And I have learned that the issues "in my head" very much affect my ability to successfully follow my plan. So, to be successful in weight loss (or maintenance) I continually need to watch my stress levels, and not let the myriad issues that arise throw me off track.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that weight loss and mental struggles go hand in hand. You may find that getting your head together helps your weight loss issues, which further helps you get yourself together.
If you are overwhelmed, I agree wholeheartedly with Colleen's suggestion to take it one step at a time. Baby steps is how I started, too.
Thank you all so much, I think this site is going to be just what I need, Kaplods, you could havebeen in my head with what you wrote. I do consantly for other people and give my husband and daughter the same pep talk all the time I just never internalize it. I had a good day today and am trying to tell myself poitive things. i have alot of good freinds and family around who tell me how great and caring I am all the time I just can't let it through. I know that's a problem and am working on it.
I'm trting calorie counting again and today is my new beginning. Thanks for the kind words of encouragement, I'll be back for more. Also I know there were alot of 1950's mothers out there like mine and she has plenty of her own demons, I'm working on accepting her in the here and now and not our shared past. Thanks again!
I need magic weight loss
. I still have a lot of negative thought patterns, but I'm working on changing them. If they don't change here, I plan to go to a therapist in January, because feeling worthless is just getting frustrating. 
I had a mother likes yours too
