[BerkshireGrl]

The story of a post-Thanksgiving caloric meltdown...

Woke up this morning late, craving sugar.

* Breakfast of about a dozen small peanut-butter coated pretzels, then a dozen yogurt pretzels. Drank part of a mug of coffee with two Splendas and half & half creamer.

* Snack was gnawing on a dark chocolate turkey that my aunt gave me yesterday at Thanksgiving dinner.

* Lunch was two palm-sized patties of leftover goat cheese & horseradish mashed potatoes, fried in real butter, topped with full fat sour cream. Drank about 6 oz. of a hard cider.

* Snack was a 6 oz. full fat sheep's milk yogurt with about 3 Tb. of honey mixed in.

* Dinner was a turkey sandwich with avocado on whole grain bread, with veggie soy mayo. Ate the remaining avocado half topped with full fat Green Goddess dressing. Drink was 4 oz. of white wine.

Here is my compulsion: I am eating all this in a hurry to "clean out" my kitchen so maybe I could start anew with Medifast in a few days. The idea of having another family holiday in which I am HUGE is a total drag. I don't want to be 240 pounds at Christmas, wearing some size 22 dress. Not only at Christmas really, but always!

But my dieting has always been all or nothing. I am either "good" or "bad". If I have a string of good days, I sabotage myself with a night of binge eating, and sometimes purging through vomiting. I feel like I'm losing my mind with food. I think way too much about 1) my weight and 2) what I could eat next.

The last time I tried Medifast I managed only 2 shakes one day, followed by eating a massive McDonald's dinner of over 2,400 calories (5 chicken premium strips, 2 bbq sauces, 2 large fries, 2 fried apple pies) plus a drink or two. I feel like my body is trying to kill me... or maybe my mind too.

How do you get off this roller coaster? I want to lose my excess weight in a SANE way... but I am burned out on tracking Points or carbs or every morsel that goes into my mouth.

In my grown-up life, I have gotten down to 156 in 2001 on Weight Watchers, and I wonder if that is the way I need to learn to love dieting again. I used to be such a good little Weight Watchers nut, with my Points books and food log, and the weigh-in booklet with those gold star stickers on it. Seems like a million years ago.

I'm almost to the point of purposefully throwing my next blood sugar test to come up Diabetic so I can qualify under my health insurance for weight-loss surgery. And that's crazy talk. My last fasting glucose test in April 2007 was 126 (edge of diabetic) but my NP told me that it takes 2 tests with 126+ to be diagnosed with diabetes. I've never been this heavy for a prolonged period of time, so I think that is pushing up my test numbers. I feel like I am at the end of my rope - that I am ADDICTED to food.

In Oct. 2005 - June 2006, I had therapy for bulimia and drinking too much, and tried Prozac, even took Antabuse for a month but stopped it because it hurt my liver more than my drinking. I have moderated the drinking very much down, but I still do it... and bulimia occasionally. But I feel I am better with regards to those two demons. But not binge eating. I still have that one.

I'm also considering Atkins again, to regulate my moods and my blood sugar. I seem to have a real issue with craving carbs and with binge eating when I let myself get too hungry.

If you have found success in losing in a healthy way, binge free, what worked for you?

Thank you all very much for any responses

[tommy]

Sarah- the roller coaster hurts alot. You may want to consider OA which is part of this section of the forum. Recognizing we are powerless against the siren call of food is a big deal and we can move forward.

[CountingDown]

Sarah, I agree. OA and/or the Chicks in Control group would be helpful. You need a plan that is a lifestyle change. It sounds like you are fine when you can "control" the stituation, but you cannot keep things under your control forever. Lifestyle changes are HARD! I do not recommend that you "throw" your medical tests in order to qualify for surgery. Surgery is not the answer for you right now. Surgery will only speed up the weight loss. It will not teach you the healthy lifestyle habits that you MUST learn and follow to be successful.
Good luck! I will keep you in my prayers! You CAN do this - one step at a time.

[Me23]

I must say I agree that WLS is not an 'answer' - only finding out why you abuse food and drink is. It's also risky, painful, and permanent, followed by a long period of debilitation. The *only thing* that got me out of the starve/stuff mentality - and I have done both - was confronting my problems and refocusing my life. Oh yes, and Seroxat
I am still conscious and take count of everything that goes into my mouth. It isn't easy and it isn't fun -but it's the only way! I know people have had success on Atkins, but - and this is just my opinion - I really don't think a diet that limits things like fruits/grains/veg at the expense of high fat foods is healthy. (see the recent thread on Atkins and heart disease, linked from the homepage).
I'm sorry I don't have an easier solution for you, but at the end of the day, it isn't easy!
Best wishes

[SunshineRunner]

Sarah - I think (and this is just my 2cents worth) that you are focusing to be a die-hard dieter - for me that does not work! I do count calories - but I couldn't tell you how many I get each day...I aim for 1200-1400. I look for lower fat, lower sodium, higher fiber, higher protein items. That way they keep me full while helping me to lose weight and don't make me retain water weight (The sodium!).

I think that you will find that many of us have been in your shoes. I was anorexic at one point in my life and didn't even realize it until many years later. I then fell victim to becoming a food addict. I love carbs - potatoes of any kind, fried, chips, mashed - whatever, bread - love it fresh....I just can't help myself....or couldn't.....but I focused on my life and where I was headed - we all know that fat makes us more restrictive of ourselves - don't enjoy life as much etc....I'm tired of being that person who doesn't want to go out with her friends because she is the fat one! I'm sure you understand this!

In any case, I don't feel that WLS should be an option for you - you have the ability at your weight to lose it healthily and safely. We all know the side effects of WLS and if not, it can be easily read up on in the forum here. You are my same height and only weigh 13.5lbs more than when I started. I started exercising in May 2007 and saw no loss until I modified my diet in late Sept. 2007. All of my posted loss is from Sept. 2007 until today. I'm about to see a 19* something when I stand on the scale next week and I have only been dieting for 9 weeks.

Don't give up - consider your healthiest weight loss options first. Allow yourself the sweets you need (as I allow myself the carbs I need), 100 calorie snacks are available all over and should help satisfy your need for carbs or sugar....heck, I found Ms. Smith's even has 100 calorie apple cobbler this week!!!

Good luck and please continue to post here, I will keep an eye out for you!

[Steampunk]

Originally Posted by BerkshireGrl

Here is my compulsion: I am eating all this in a hurry to "clean out" my kitchen so maybe I could start anew with Medifast in a few days. The idea of having another family holiday in which I am HUGE is a total drag. I don't want to be 240 pounds at Christmas, wearing some size 22 dress. Not only at Christmas really, but always!

But my dieting has always been all or nothing. I am either "good" or "bad". If I have a string of good days, I sabotage myself with a night of binge eating, and sometimes purging through vomiting. I feel like I'm losing my mind with food. I think way too much about 1) my weight and 2) what I could eat next.

The last time I tried Medifast I managed only 2 shakes one day, followed by eating a massive McDonald's dinner of over 2,400 calories (5 chicken premium strips, 2 bbq sauces, 2 large fries, 2 fried apple pies) plus a drink or two. I feel like my body is trying to kill me... or maybe my mind too.

Throw out any tempting crap and pour detergent or bleach on it so you can't retrieve it.
Try drinking one medifast in the morning, a high protein lunch and small dinner plus small snack.
I found doing 2 medifasts too hard.
Easier almost to skip it.
But to keep yourself stable try medifast in morning, plenty of fluids and healthy lunch.
Protein, whole grains, veggie or broth.
I'm all or nothing with work and learned I CAN NOT be with weightloss.
A little over a year ago I was size 16, Im size 8 now.
I could've been size 2/4 by now but I let myself splurge and have cheats.
And it's okay.
Because I understand now it's all simple math.
Just because I indulge sometimes still doesnt mean Ill gain a lot, just have to cut back.
Learned to flow instead of injecting my hyper Type A control freak personality into weightloss.
No one is grading me here, except me. And I'm going to be th ecool teacher with myself, not rap my own knuckles for a naughty nosh here or there.

[BerkshireGrl]

Thank you all for your replies

I am doing better... It's funny but after I told myself I didn't have to get back on the Medifast, it became a lot easier for me to not eat the entire house. Hmmm... Could be connected.

About Atkins, I admit I liked the not being hungry when I was on it, but after a while, I got sick of the fat, and started to really crave things like orange juice. I think it works very well for some though.

And you all are right about my thinking about gaming the system to get WLS covered under my insurance. That'd be like cutting off my hand because I had a wart on it. I can do this on my own. More to the point, I have done it before, going from 209 to 156. Getting my guts rearranged or removed should be a last ditch solution if I was on the verge of 'lose weight or die', really. In my weaker moments, I think it would be the easier way out... but only if they fixed my brain too

I didn't get to OA tonight. I'm hoping to next Monday. Seeing as how I regained my previous loss, I know this is a mental challenge. I am overeating while I try to ignore other unsavory parts of my life. Unfortunately, the pizza does not make my problems go away in the nighttime, ha!

Thanks again to you all... I will be hanging around here I think

Hope you all are having a good night!

[rabidstoat]

I can sooo sympathize. I'm an all-or-nothing dieter myself. I'm either perfect or I'm awful -- so once I have a little slip on perfect, it's time to go into awful mode, and I become a food vacuum cleaner. And I have my times where I obsess about food and plot what I can eat next, that reminded me of me too!

I think it differs for everyone, but the things I've found are:

1. My all-or-nothing perfectionism is probably my biggest problem, and I think it might be in common with others here too. It what makes it hard for me to rebound from things like an unplanned work lunch, or an unplanned ice cream treat, or whatever. I have no idea how to get over this perfectionism. I know it affects other parts of my life, too.

2. Eating junk food, for me, is a spiral. Once I start, I want more junk. Luckily, eating healthy food is a spiral as well. When things click (and I wish I knew how to make things click more often, and for a longer amount of time) and I'm eating healthy, the thought of going to McD's or eating a bunch of candy or whatever is actually, honestly unappealing. So that's good. Unfortunately, it takes me about a month to get into the "healthy food spiral", and about, oh, three seconds to fall out of that and into the "junk food spiral".

3. I have learned that if I don't honestly like myself and want to devote attention to my health, I won't lose weight. I suffer from depression, so this is a big thing for me. When I'm depressed, I really don't care, and I drown my depression in food, and nothing can really stop that except working on my depression. No amount of willpower and motivation can work when I'm so depressed I don't want to put even a minimal effort into getting healthier.

So in short, I don't know how to help, because I think it varies from person to person. But I sure can sympathize, as someone who has eaten to the point of feeling sick -- and still continued to eat.