[Hillarie]

Hi Everyone. I'm not really new here although I haven't been committed to myself until now. I am a mom of 3 Carter James, My littlest Angel, who we lost at birth Aaron is 3 1/2 and Madison is just over 9 months now. I have had 2 miscarriages and most recently, 5 weeks ago, I had a ruptured eptopic pregnancy. I am married to my perfect man Caleb. We are high school sweethearts. In the past 2 weeks I have had 3 friends have heart attacks and 2 of them passed away. Talk about a wake up call. I know that I may be much younger then them but I know I need to change my life before my kids don't have me around. I struggle with depression due to the loss of my children and now it's fueled by my self hatred and disgust in myself. I had my last cigarette today. I QUIT!!! I can't do this to myself anymore. I know this is probably more then you really wanted to know but I have to say it or I'm not being honest with myself. I am not the mother that I want to be and not the wife my husband deserves. I have to change me for me but also for the health of my family. I really don't know how I'm going to go about it yet. In the past I relied on pills and sure they worked for a while but like all things good they come with a price. I can't afford to take short cuts anymore. I need all the real help I can get and support and knowledge that I know exists here. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't carry this burden of shame anymore. I've thought about ending my life and I know in my heart that it's not the way out. I feel so ashamed for what I've become. I am not happy anymore and I want my happiness back. I want my children to know their mother as healthy and happy. I want them to have the childhood that I didn't. I want to have the marriage that I dream about. I feel like I've let myself down and picking up the pieces isn't going to be an easy road. I have to be stronger then I think I am and come up with a plan to succeed. Finally succeed! Thank you all for listening and I hope that I can find help and support here. I have to have somewhere to turn and I've chosen you ALL.
My current weight is 200 pounds +/- 2? I will get back down to 140-150. That is my goal and my dream. I will make it so. Thank you for being here and I look forward to finally giving you all the chance I never really did when I first found this site to help me on my journey.

[KrisR]

Welcome Hillarie. There are so many good people here and a wealth of information and support available. I've also found reading blogs very helpful for staying on track and motivated.

[CABunnyGirl]

Originally Posted by Hillarie

Hi Everyone. I'm not really new here although I haven't been committed to myself until now. I am a mom of 3 Carter James, My littlest Angel, who we lost at birth Aaron is 3 1/2 and Madison is just over 9 months now. I have had 2 miscarriages and most recently, 5 weeks ago, I had a ruptured eptopic pregnancy. I am married to my perfect man Caleb. We are high school sweethearts. In the past 2 weeks I have had 3 friends have heart attacks and 2 of them passed away. Talk about a wake up call. I know that I may be much younger then them but I know I need to change my life before my kids don't have me around. I struggle with depression due to the loss of my children and now it's fueled by my self hatred and disgust in myself. I had my last cigarette today. I QUIT!!! I can't do this to myself anymore. I know this is probably more then you really wanted to know but I have to say it or I'm not being honest with myself. I am not the mother that I want to be and not the wife my husband deserves. I have to change me for me but also for the health of my family. I really don't know how I'm going to go about it yet. In the past I relied on pills and sure they worked for a while but like all things good they come with a price. I can't afford to take short cuts anymore. I need all the real help I can get and support and knowledge that I know exists here. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't carry this burden of shame anymore. I've thought about ending my life and I know in my heart that it's not the way out. I feel so ashamed for what I've become. I am not happy anymore and I want my happiness back. I want my children to know their mother as healthy and happy. I want them to have the childhood that I didn't. I want to have the marriage that I dream about. I feel like I've let myself down and picking up the pieces isn't going to be an easy road. I have to be stronger then I think I am and come up with a plan to succeed. Finally succeed! Thank you all for listening and I hope that I can find help and support here. I have to have somewhere to turn and I've chosen you ALL.
My current weight is 200 pounds +/- 2? I will get back down to 140-150. That is my goal and my dream. I will make it so. Thank you for being here and I look forward to finally giving you all the chance I never really did when I first found this site to help me on my journey.

Okay - STOP! Remember, you, at your 200 pounds, are someone else's GOAL weight!! So get some perspective and be KIND to yourself!

I've just finished reading Martha Beck's book titled The 4 Day Win. Pick up a copy at your local used book store (where I got mine for $8.00) or check out Amazon.com. Martha Beck's book was a great source of information and especially helped me when she talked about going into what she called, "Watcher" mode with regard to food and binging. I am also reading Intuative Eating, another great book about breaking the cycle of dieting and binge-eating.

So for today (and tomorrow, and the next day) remember, YOU are already at someone's GOAL weight, you have babies and a husband depending on you, so strap on your big-girl panties and get moving!

Much love,

Janet