I need help (I'm desperate!) and I think this website might be the help that I need. I don’t know where to start, though, and am hoping to get some responses from others who are also "lost" to how these “threads” work. I don’t know where to post my information, which thread, in order to seek help, so please forgive me if I goof.

I started gaining weight about 20 years ago. I went from a size 14 to size 20 and from about 155 lbs. to 237 lbs., then never deviated more than 15 pounds from that weight. I have tried many diet/exercise programs and would lose up to 15 lbs. over many, many months and then slowly start gaining a pound at a time until back to 237. Even when I get sick and can’t eat I rarely lose more than a pound or two. These might stay off for several weeks but I always end up around 237, never any higher even though I sometimes know I’ve overeaten.

Sometimes I think I’ll try again to get down to a decent dress size/weight but I’m pretty much at a loss as to what to do. I don’t know if others have similar problems as mine but my main problems are overeating at mealtime and feeling disappointed/unsatisfied with the foods I am obligated to eat when I do go on a diet. In other words, it’s not eating too many rich desserts or eating an unbalanced diet. It’s not eating between meals or eating snack foods. I do not buy/eat chips and snack foods on a regular basis (when we go on a long driving trip my husband usually buys us a bag of chips and dip to snack on because he doesn’t want to stop for a meal until the end of the day.)

I usually don’t eat in-between meals, either, unless I’ve eaten something that doesn’t really satisfy me. Here’s an example of what I mean. Let me start with breakfast. If I force myself to eat cereal and milk or toast and coffee, or fruit/fruit juice, etc. because a diet says that’s what I should eat, then, I find myself heading toward the kitchen about an hour later searching for something to “satisfy” my “tongue.” I don’t know how else to describe this feeling of not having satisfied my hunger. I know I’ve eaten the correct amount of whatever the meal plan said, so I shouldn’t be hungry. I also am a very busy person and don’t want to stop what I’m doing to go to the kitchen to eat again, but I also know I can’t concentrate on what I am doing unless I do eat what satisfies me. So, I go eat something again. It can be a very small amount of whatever it is I like to eat. Also, I have a feeling like whatever I ate got digested too soon and I am already hungry again in an hour. When I feel like this I wonder why even eat at all if I have to eat those types of foods since they don’t keep me full long enough? I know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day so I try to eat it.

Now, there are things I can eat for breakfast that do satisfy me. They are never listed as foods that can be eaten when dieting, so I know if I continue to eat them I will just remain obese. But I also know that if I do eat them, I will not even be thinking about food again until several hours have passed. On some days (when I don’t have to prepare meals for the family at 12:00 noon since they arrive home for lunch at that time and have to be back to work by 1), I don’t eat until much later because I am satisfied yet from my breakfast. What are these foods let me go for longer periods without desiring food again? Mostly meats or cheese or “spicy” foods like pizza. When my husband met me 40 years ago he was shocked that I’d ask for a hamburger for breakfast when we’d go out to eat together ( I weighed 140 then.) He loves any breakfast that has eggs, bacon, and toast or such. He can eat pancakes and sweets like doughnuts or Danishes. My tongue does not relate to eggs in the morning although as I got older I finally was able to eat eggs with him instead of my “weird” foods. I found out that if I ate something a little sour like mayonnaise or something hot and spicy like picante sauce on the eggs I could “stomach” them better. I found out that if I eat even a small amount of something sweet like pancakes or doughnuts I have to eat something else right away or I start feeling a little queasy. When eating with a group I have learned to eat pancakes or something like that but I have to eat a piece of bacon, sausage, or ham and drink some water or soda pop before putting the pancake into my mouth. Then, I don’t get that feeling. However, that type of meal still does not satisfy me like the other type foods do. I can eat a hot dog with a condiment (ketchup, mustard, mayo), or a sausage biscuit, or cold pizza, or cold meats, or a hamburger or piece of leftover beef, ham, or such. My best quick breakfast is braunschweiger (liverwurst.) I can eat it alone, or in a sandwich. I’d say about 2 tablespoons are enough to last me for several hours. I try not to keep it on hand because it is not considered healthy, right?

The other problem is I don’t know how to stop eating before I am full once I get started. Here’s what I mean. I am in charge of all the meals for a medium-sized family. My husband has made it clear that we are to sit down and eat as a family since it is sometimes the only time of day that we are all present. I start cooking and season the food by small tastes. This in itself should make me less hungry when we sit down to eat, I’d think. Yet as we are eating I find myself eating until I feel full and satisfied. Usually this is several small servings of whatever is on the table. I eat until I am no longer hungry. The amount of food would always be considered more than the size of my fist or some such measurement that I read is the correct one. I tried many times to eat 3 oz. of meat, ½ cup of this or that, etc. I am then searching for food (anything will do when I feel like that) right after the meal or about an hour later. Also, it seems that if the food “tastes” good I have no stopping mechanism until I’ve eaten enough of it. I am not the kind of person who binge eats or eats a “whole cake” or “whole” whatever. But I do know that once I start eating I can’t stop (at a one-helping or normal serving.) At my “gut” level I feel hopeless that I will ever lose weight and keep it off. At my “head” level I want to be under 200 pounds and riding horses, bicycles, etc. like I used to years ago (I’m 60 this year.)

That brings me to exercise. The only exercise that can be worked in daily might be walking. I am very busy helping raise 4 grandchildren (the 2 month old is dropped off at 7AM and I’m not a morning person so there is no way I could get up to exercise before that, I’ve tried and failed umpteen times. She is picked up around 5PM most days. She is having digestive problems and so I have to carry her and soothe her most of the time right now.). I am care-giver for my 95 year old Mother who lives with us. She is fully alert and can help set the table, clear the dishes, pick up toys and other tasks. However, I do not like leaving her alone much. She needs supervision as she is on medications for glaucoma that need to be given every few hours. At 3 PM I put the newborn into the car and drive to school to pick up my other grandkids, sometimes just one and sometimes three of them, ages 5, 4, and 2.) If their parents are in meetings or in class, they stay for supper. I cook supper nearly every day so that is 5-6Pm or so and I regularly serve 10 family members at my supper table. I fix a meat dish, one starch, a green vegetable and a one other. I fix desserts that can be anything from a fruit salad or jello to a yellow cake with ice cream.

Now, I am not complaining about helping my kids with their kids. It’s just that I am at a loss as to how to get over these hurdles. What do you call my lack of willpower once I start eating? I consider myself “normal” in all other aspects of my life. I have a close-knit, loving family and have been married 40 years this year. I thank anyone and all of you for your help!

Hello,
My first impression is that you are looking after everyone but yourself. It's almost like these little tongue treats are a way of being nice to yourself. I think I can relate to some of what you say. These past two weeks I've been nice to myself taken a little extra time for myself and it feels good. By giving myself an extra five minutes to smear on body lotion post bath, normally I never have time, I give myself a subconcious message that I deserve that extra five minutes. I'm working on being nice to myself in little ways and building up to more time. So far so good. No one has begrudged me the extra time I take versus extra treats these past two weeks. Don't know if what I have said speaks to you.

Hi Jansa,

I'm 61, and my life is quite a bit different from yours as I work every day myself. I live in Central Massachusetts, and drive about 40 miles to & from work in Boston every day. I have four children - three girls ranging in age from 38 to 30, and one boy who just turned 26. The girls are all married and living here in Massachusetts - I have four grandchildren ages 16, 12, 7 and 5. My son lives in Los Angeles.
ANYWAY, I know EXACTLY what you mean about not getting filled up - or satisfied - on the foods that you should be eating to lose weight. It's a little easier for me, I imagine, because since I've been dieting, I make up my menus a week in advance and then only bring to work what's on my menu for the day to eat. So there's no opportunity for "going back to the kicthen". But, all my life, I've been exactly the same way. Some foods just don't seem to satisfy me, and when I eat them, I'm hungry again real soon.
I think one of the things we have to accept, at our age, is that the weight is simply not going to drop off quickly. And, because we are getting older, we have to try to get the proper nutrition for bone & joint health and all that good stuff, so that pretty much rules out (for me, anyway) the diets like Atkins which are essentially high protein, low carb because it simply isn't balanced properly for our needs. Of course, I'm not a medical doctor and can't say anything authoritatively, but only from my own experience. After my son was born (26 years ago) I had gained more than 50 pounds and I went on Atkins which worked very well for me at that age. I lost the weight and maintained, using a slightly modified Atkins, for a good ten years. It's just been over the past three or four years that I started gaining - and then continued, little by little - to gain 40 pounds or so back.
Since high protein foods seem to satisfy you, you actually might want to check out Atkins. I know that they've made some changes over time that allow you a somewhat better balance in foods, but you still get the benefit of the high protein as far as satisfying hunger is concerned.
I started out this time counting calories - and staying at about 1200 a day - and then I hit a major plateau and just wasn't losing anymore. So, I switched to counting Weight Watcher points - to be specific, using the "Wendi" plan, which you can look up on the internet if you're interested. This seems to be working for me.
When I first started the dieting this time, I was riding my mountain bike for at least a half hour every day, too, but got hit with a bout of bronchitis about a month ago that left me really tired and drained, and I just haven't felt like riding since, although I want to get back to it before winter sets in and I can't.
You seem to be very, very busy with your family and those grandkids (OH - a baby! I've been just wishing that one of my daughters would have another one!) but it might work for you if you put together an eating plan for yourself - using either the WW's or Atkins, or whatever you think would be best for you. Make sure you get stick-to-your ribs kinds of stuff that will keep you from being hungry. I mean, if you're cooking a meal for the family that just wouldn't make sense for you (I cook for my husband & I every night, and there are some meals that he loves that I just couldn't indulge in and still lose any weight) have something in the freezer ready made that you can thaw out for yourself, or stick to the meat portions and eliminate the starches like potatoes or pastas.
Well, I'm running on and on here, but your eating issues are just so similar to mine...and we are of a certain age"...and maybe we can help each other?

Take care,
E

I think you are right about the tongue treats. I do feel like I deserve a little something for myself. However, this year I have taken time for getting massages and even a pedicure every once in awhile. For that day and several after I feel very positive. But once I overeat, I begin to doubt that I'll ever lose weight any more (at my age).

I expected to really be able to tackle my weight problem once I made the move from being a working mom to a stay-at-home mom. It's worked out to be the opposite!

One thing I've learned just recently is that I'm allowed to ask for help. I'm allowed to ask my husband to hold down the fort for an hour so I can go swimming at the Y. I'm allowed to say "Can somebody please help me fold this laundry so I can get to bed a little early?"

A lot of times us SAHMs become such people pleasers, we just want everybody else to be happy. If the kids are arguing over the TV, oh one of you go in my room and watch mine (even if I was really looking forward to the Daily Show or whatever, and that ties all the TVs up.)

It's a lot easier to go grab a "treat" than to ask for what you really want: some alone time with your husband, some recognition for your work, etc.

Hey I used to do the same thing in my working life. My "treats" would usually come after the boss took responsibility for my work or something like that.

If you keep a lot of how you feel when you eat certain foods....and journal your FEELINGS while eating, that can be a big help in those "WHY DO I DO THIS?" questions.

How do you find time to write everything down? I would love to be able to journal. But, it's almost midnight here and this is the only time when I am alone and can get on the Internet or sit down and do anything for myself. Instead of being able to journal, I am paying bills, helping my daughter research information for her graduate nursing classes (since her newest is 7 months and her older boy has asthma which just turned to pneumonia last evening, her husband is out of town on business, and she is supposed to be working home health...she can't find time to keep up with her research and has already had to postpone graduation 1 whole year due to having a baby...) I am good at research and have to use any spare time right now to find articles and print them for her. In fact, I wouldn't be able to post here if I didn't stay up very late doing it. I just feel that these past few days I have to sacrifice my sleep time in order to possibly find help with my weight problem and I am so glad I did. I can see that there are others with problems like me , but who have been able to lose weight anyway! Thank you! Thank you!

Hi EllaBella,
I do believe that our eating issues are very similar. I keep telling myself to take one day at a time and do only what needs doing. I just didn’t know how to get started again because I’ve started a diet or a new way of eating at least 10 times in the last year. Each time I get very excited but each time I get so tired I just slog through the day which then turns into a week and then a month and here we go again…

I do hope that we can help each other out (and anyone else that has some of the same issues.) I want to make up menus in advance like you do. Do you handwrite them or is there a computer program that you use? Then, do you go out and buy everything for the week, too? Sometimes I buy in advance and the family changes the plan and the food I’ve bought gets “bad.” Salad greens and vegetables especially. I hate the waste. Do you have a way of storing such items that help them keep longer? I am open to ideas.

You say that Atkins helped you. Well, Atkins was the only diet that has ever helped me. I weighed about 140 going into my first pregnancy (she’s now 35) and gained about 40 pounds. After nursing my baby (which helped me lose some of the weight) I still needed to lose about another 20 pounds. I did it with the old Atkins following it for 3 days, taking a break of 2 weeks and then doing it for 3 days. I got down to my high school weight of 130. I looked fantastic! I stayed that weight until I got pregnant with my second child 5 years later (he’s 30 this year.) I gained to somewhere around 170. Again I was able to lose some weight while nursing (I never dieted while nursing, of course, and always watched that I ate a varied diet with plenty of calories and plenty of fluids.)

This time, though, I just could not stay on the old Atkins diet. I had learned enough about nutrition by that time that I did not think it was healthy. (I still thought I’d give it a 3-day trial but could never go beyond 1 day of pure meats, cheeses, eggs, etc. before I’d have to have a carb like a slice of bread or a potato.) Circumstances in my life at that time had me very depressed (now that I see it in hindsight.) My husband kept after me to lose weight (he wanted me to go back to 140-150. So, I started “dieting”….As often as I went on diets was as often as I’d gain weight. I’d gain around 4-5 pounds with each try. When I got over 200 pounds I felt hopeless and helpless. But, life still went on and my husband accepted the fact that I’d never be slim and quit worrying about it. I never did, though. I wanted so badly to get under 200 again. Yet, my weight kept going up until about 10 years ago when it peaked at around 245.

Then, Atkins became popular again and it was touted as being more healthful. About three years ago, I bought the new Atkins books and bought South Beach. I read them and a book called “Good Carbs, Bad Carbs” and followed them as often as I could. I stayed on the “reduced carbs” for over a year. I had lost around 15 pounds, but that didn’t last. As life took over again, I gained a pound or two every now and then until I hit 245. Haven’t seen anything much less than that. Anyway, as you say, “at our age it simply isn't balanced properly for our needs.” I agree.

I do not know what the “Wendi” plan is so after I post here tonight I’ll read up on it.
I see that you enjoy bike riding. So do I. I just haven’t done it for a few years. Now, reading this forum, I have the desire to take my bike in to be fixed and get started again. It’s also funny how you “got hit with a bout of bronchitis about a month ago that left me really tired and drained” and I did, too. I am still very tired all the time but I am feeling better each day.

One last thing, my son, wife, and two grandchildren moved in with us last August (’06) and with them living under our roof every day, I just gave up trying to fix special meals (counting calories or carbs, etc.) and got very despondent during that time—maybe overwhelmed is the correct word), but they finally were able to move out this April. They live three houses down and bring me their newborn every day (as I said before.) I do love watching her do new things every day---she is smiling and cooing these past couple of weeks! So, now I sometimes have week-ends free to possibly sit down and plan meals in advance, shop, and store properly. My Mother and husband, though, usually ask for specific things for at least one meal a day! Being that Mom should not be allowed to cook anymore (so she won’t burn up the pans and food) I do all the cooking. They both love any stick-to-your ribs kinds of stuff with a side dish of mashed potatoes, salad, and 1 yellow or green veggie. My husband is always asking Mom to make her homemade noodles or her old-fashioned cream pies. Again, my main problem seems to be that once I sit down, serve, and start eating, I can’t seemingly stop until I feel very satisfied and don’t want anything else. When the food tastes good, my tongue kicks me into overdrive…..

I can relate to you on the breakfast eating. Basically the past year had been like one big binge for me. When I would make something for breakfast it would be pasta, or chicken nuggets, or some other kind of food but never an actual breakfast food. I really only like eggs if I eat bacon, hash browns, and toast with butter all with them. A few weeks ago I finally decided that I was just too out of hand and I went to join Weight Watchers. It has helped me tremendously so far with my binging and eating habits. I’ve been eating yogurt and fruit for breakfast and I really gotten used to it; surprisingly it keeps me full until lunch time at noon. The Wendi plan goes along with WW, it is essentially a way to break up and eat your weekly points that you are allotted. You may want to try looking into WW because it really teaches you about changing your lifestyle, not going on a diet that you can’t sustain after you go off it.

Jansa, years and years ago I had the same problem. Now? At a healthy weight and eating whatever I want. I REALLY do my best to satisfy myself so I won't continue eating after meal time. Rich foods in small portions, in moderation.

Katie-I've tried fruits and yogurt, etc. but find that I'd rather eat nothing than to eat anything even a little bit sweet. I have never figured it out but I must be weird or something. As long as I can remember, if I eat something with a sweet taste, I feel slightly nauseated for a little while. An example would be cake and milk or cookies and milk. Most of my family members can eat that for breakfast. I can't without feeling bad. Now, if I eat a strip of bacon or a pickle or something like that, then, I can eat a little bit of sweet and not get that feeling. As I said, I'd rather not eat rather than eat something sweet like fruit. I just bought something called Kashi Cereal since it was suggested as a good breakfast food that had protein. The plain cereal has a taste of eating something other than "food". The one with dates and raisins is way too sweet and I'm back to feeling bad after eating it. I will have time tonight to read more aboout the Wendi way of eating.

veggielover-I want what you have. How did you get to the place where you are now? What are some of your favorite foods (that you call "rich"?)

I do not want to be thinking about diets and would rather eat the types of foods we normally eat but in smaller amounts. Easier said than done!! Once I get started, I can't stop. If it tastes good I can't stop until I feel really good. Don't get me wrong, I do stop after 2 to 3 servings, even if there is more of the food sitting there. It's just that I don't feel full until I eat more. Sometimes I do eat extra just because it tastes good. My husband tells me that the way he and I are different in regards to food is the way we think about it. He says he "eats to live" and that I "live to eat!" I can't say that's not true for me, (but I also know that when I make something that does not turn out too good--that is, when I experiment with recipes--he is the first to say not to make that recipe again...ha ha ha. An example was the time I made the mashed cauliflower in place of mashed potatoes as in the SB diet. He didn't like the "taste" but yet it was "good for" him....)I guess I do love what I call "regular" food. I find that if I eat enough at each meal and eat what satisfies my tastebuds, I don't seek food between meals. (I can honestly say that snacking has never really been my problem. It's more like not being able to control portions at mealtimes.)

I started laughing when I read your "SLAP ME THRICE AND SERVE IT TO ME MAMA" quote. I don't know why it struck me so funny but I laughed until I had tears in my eyes!
jansa

Oh, Gawd, Jansa....there's where you and I differ...I have always been a sweets fiend! And I think that's why Atkins worked so well for me for so long - because I just flat-out NEVER ate any sweets. I swear, with me, eating chocolate, for instance, is akin to an alcoholic taking a drink. Can't stop at one cookie, one piece of cake, one mufin, one doughnut, one anything gooey and sweet and high calorie, high fat, totally useless nutritionally. And then there's the starches - the mashed potatoes, the bread, the pasta - love that stuff too. I don't like salads much at all, although more recently I've managed to convince myself that they're not altogether disgusting, and try to have one for a meal at least once a week. I make DH & I "Chef's salads" with strips of deli ham & turkey, real cheese on his, pretend soy-based "cheese" (which tastes exactly like the real thing) on mine, some chopped tomato, cucumbers, onion, green peppers and sliced black olives. Of course the HIGH POINT of that meal for me is the piece of Weight Watcher's pita bread (1 WW point) that I eat with mine. Yum. Oh, I LOVE bread! I'm learning to like it flat, is all. I'm afraid I don't have any handy tricks for extending the life of greens in the fridge - I still throw out my share, believe me. What I mostly do is stop at the market and buy what I need on the night I'm going to eat it.
As for my written eating plans/menus, I don't personally use any special program although I know there are plenty of programs out there on the 'net, and since you're good at research, you might find one that you like. But I'm really a technophobe - I write for a living and do some research, but my computer skills are pretty basic compared to a lot of more savvy folks - probably just my own stubbornness about learning new stuff, but I just use whatever I can make work for myself. So, I just list Breakfast, lunch & supper in a Word doc. and enter my food, along with the WW points and then add it all up at the bottom. Maybe it would be easier using Excel if you use that. I'm probably not as organized as I should be - don't save the menus, for example, and note my weight fluctuations or anything like that, the way some folks do. I weigh myself once a week - sometimes every couple of weeks, because I really get discouraged, depressed and miserable if my weight goes up a pound or two (which it WILL do, of course, depending on what you've eaten, how much water you've drunk, etc.) and weighing less often, and at around the same time of day seems more likely to show you whether you've actually lost anything or not. Some weeks I just don't want to be bothered, or if I'm feeling sluggish and feeling like I'm retaining water or something, I don't get on the scale beacuse I KNOW I'm not going to like what I see.
As I said, Wendi - or Wendie - I see it spelled differently across the board, here - SEEMS to be working, and it does give you the bonus of a "super high point day" that's pretty nice so long as you just eat more healthy stuff instead of bingeing on junk. I found out right quick that THAT didn't work!
I am slowly getting to the point where less food satisfies me a bit better, but it's a slow, painful process, as you know.
I have learned to be pleased with a one-pound loss. Remember when we were younger and dropping five pounds was as easy as pie? You could do it in a couple of days of serious dieting, right? Now if you do that in a MONTH it's phenomenal!
Mostly, I've had to stop wanting to reach any certain weight by any certain date. It's not going to happen. I'm just crawling along here, losing sometimes in just ounces, and some weeks not at all, but I am SO determined, you know? I figure it's now or never. Every year it just gets tougher.
Oh - and I've made myself a little list of foods that we eat often that I looked up the WW points on, and I refer to it all the time because it's easier that looking it up online.
If you've had a chance to check out the Wendi/Wendie plan, Jansa, let me know what you think.
Oooooh, I sure wish you could share that little grandbaby of yours! My youngest daughter is turning thirty this week and we're throwing a big bash for her tonight...my middle daughter put together a movie/slideshow of her sister's life from when I brought her home from the hospital to the present. Seeing all those sweet little baby pictures of her...and then of her daughter, who turns seven next month....just made me sooo nostalgic! (Nostalgic, too, for how THIN I was in those pictures! Jeeze!)
Okay, need to start my day....hope you're is a good one, too.
E!

One easy way to cut down the amount you eat: use smaller plates! They've done studies to show that just using smaller plates, people lose weight. Like use a salad plate for your main course.

You could use the Zone method: fill half your plate with salad or veggies, then divide the other side up equally between protein and starch. No fair going back for seconds though!