I've got to start somewhere because it's all seeming so hopeless..[long]
Overwhelmed is how I feel. Overwhelmed by my fat, overwhelmed by my pure large-ness. And to add to it, I am overwhelmed with work issues, with relationships, with home not being clean, etc. In EVERY area of my life I am completely overwhelmed and it makes me want to crawl into bed and stay there FOREVER.
Yesterday I went to the doctor for a flu or something (they never managed to tell me but did give me antibiotics) and I got on the ever dreaded scale.. I couldn't even look as the numbers kept going up up up.. and up... I finally looked and stared a while.. she kept me on there for what seemed like a day and I just stared at the digital numbers looking back at me. I really wasn't feeling that well since I had an extremely high fever and wanted to get back home to rest..so as I am finally up and about, feeling a much better without fever, the memory of the scale keeps coming back to me.. haunting me.
And with this memory I have realized that I am well on my way to being 300 pounds. Something I never in my life thought I would ever say (to myself.. nor strangers on the internet).
It's almost too overwhelming to even write this post.. everything is so tangled and messed up!
The short story is, I don't know where to start but I know I must start somewhere! I don't know when enough is enough because everyday for the past 5 years has felt like enough but it obviously never was! I don't know how to make myself stop eating crap. I don't know how to motivate myself to exercise. I could tell you a million excuses of why I eat crap (because I work late nights), and why I don't exercise (because I do a lot of physical work at my job), but those ARE really just excuses and they are obviously not getting done what needs to be done for my health. To add to the mess, I'm tired all the time, have irregular periods (sometimes for 5-6 months at a time), get migraines quite frequently, and now I'm in hot water at work and might possibly lose my job due to all my absences from me being sick!
And this is all from me being MORBIDLY OBESE... or what is past morbidly obese? morbid? dead? Because that's what I feel like. I feel dead.
People don't see ME, they see the fat covering me. I don't see it though, nope, I still look in the mirror and see me.. I'm still there. Except when, of course, my photo is taken.. then I'm that fat girl again - where did I go? Then I get to see the person everyone else sees.. that short little fat girl that doesn't know any better.
But that's the shameful part of it all.. I DO know better. I used to be healthy, exercise every day, care about myself, and don't think I don't know how to do it bc I can.. but the problem is I won't. I feel like I am split into two different people, there is the me "right now" that says "do it damn it! just get up in the morning eat breakfast, exercise and get it done!" and then there's the "fat me" (she's been winning for a while now), and she says, "c'mon you're tired, you've worked hard, you deserve it, just one more time, one last 'splurge', one more won't hurt you, don't let all those people tell you what to do". So the I CAN GIRL is battling the FAT GIRL and the FAT GIRL is reigning victoriously. HOW DO I GET RID OF HER?!?!
This has got to be my breaking point, there is NO OTHER CHOICE. I'm still in my 20's and have never been able to wear a bikini and look good in it.
That's all I want.. to be able to look good in a bikini, to be able to wear shorts in the summertime instead of covering myself in jeans while all my skinny friends are wearing cute tanks and shorts, to be able to go for a dip in my apartment complex's pool without anyone thinking there's a whale headed their way,
to be able to not have someone tell me "you're so pretty if you would just lose weight.."
to be able to not have everyone trying to FIX my life simply because I'm fat.
I'm making this known to whoever reads this and to myself, above all, that I AM making a change. I am doing this 100% because I am 100% "fed up" with the life I have lived. I am tired of being tired, tired of being pitied, and tired of being fat! FAT is not who I am and I will not let it become me.
Hi there and WELCOME. It sounds to me as if somebody has finally has ENOUGH. That was a GREAT day for me. A turning point. At 5 feet tall and 287 lbs, I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. You said in the last paragraph of your post that you're "fed up". Well when I first signed up here at 3FC (thre greatest place by the way), that actuallly was my user name - "fed up". Because .... helllooooo - that's what I was, in a big way. I'll also tell you that in just 2 months time I asked to have my name changed because I was no longer feeling that way!!!!!
So just know that YOU don't have to feel this way for very much longer. You can make a change for the better. You DO have control over this. You most certainly DO NOT have to be fat if you don't want to be. With everything going on around you and it sounds like a lot (I hope you're feeling better), please realize that charge of something - your health and your weight is the very best overall thing you can do for yourself. It's thee most gratifying experience I've ever been through. The most worthwhile without a doubt and the most rewarding. You CAN do this. I can't say that enough.
Hon, you are not alone. I'm sure that many of us here could have written your story, and we do know how that feels... one day waking up and realizing it's true--we are fat--we are even obese--even morbidly obese (which means, life threatening).
You can make these changes if you're willing to work at them! Yes, you can! If you haven't read some of the stories in the Goals forum, drop in there.
Start with small changes. For example, if you are always snacking on a particular kind of junky food, just get rid of that one food and substitute something healthy and low calorie instead. One of my "bad" foods is corn chips--the Dorito kind. They do not come in the house now. Instead, I have baby cut carrots on hand--they are crunchy, which helps, they have lots of vitamins, and they taste good! And are very low cal.
So that is just an example of one small change you could make. Other examples: Decide to eat a healthy, low cal breakfast every morning. Plan it out, shop for it. Just that one thing. Or decide to go for a walk for 20 minutes during the day. Pick a time and a route.
Then, each week add another small change while keeping the first one. This way you won't get so overwhelmed by trying to change everything at once.
As for goals--I'd like to suggest that in addition to wanting to wear a bikini, you also think of some other good reasons to lose. For example, not dying young. Not being sick--not developing diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, arthritis! Feeling strong and healthy instead.
You have come to the right place, for sure. Like Bargoo said, take it one step at a time. Many of us have been there and have said exactly what you said in your post. I could've written it myself many times over the years. Do this NOW, in your 20s. Don't wait. You're here with us, and we'll support you all the way! Check out the 100 lb. club -- it's full of great people!
There are lots of us that have been (or are) in your same shoes, so absolutely do NOT feel that you are alone in this
I, too, am in my 20s, and right now, I'm a bit over 300 pounds. I have never in my life been able to wear a bikini, and I know the truth is that I never will (I'll have a bunch of excess skin and stretch marks from a life of obesity, even after I've reached a healthy weight). But that doesn't mean I can't lose weight for lots of other reasons. I'd like to be able to wear shorts, to not have to worry about my "hangover" on top of my pants, to not have to worry about shirts being long enough to cover that hangover, to not always feel like the biggest person in a room (and to not always have to search hard to try to find someone who just might weigh more than me to assure myself that I'm not a huge freak--this is a horrible thing to do, but I can't deny that I've done it), to be able to climb a few flights of stairs without losing my breath, to be able to go swimming without feeling like all eyes are on me for those 30 seconds when I'm on land in my bathing suit between taking off a cover-up and getting in the pool, to be able to go to a theme park and ride ALL the rides without fear of not fitting in the seats/restraints...there are SO MANY great reasons to lose weight!
But that doesn't make it easy.
And that's where 3FC comes in--a fabulous group here to support, cheer, offer advice, or kick you in the tush, whatever it is you need to help keep you going
If you're overwhelmed, tackle the things you can do. Like your house. About 5 years ago, I made myself three promises that have really made a difference with housework. I told myself:
1. Never go to bed with dishes in the sink. It's a pleasure to get up to a clean kitchen in the morning. When there are dishes in the sink, it's easy to just keep putting more dishes in the sink.
2. When I do laundry, fold the clothes that night and put them away. I went years just digging clean, wrinkled clothes out of a pile of clean laundry. That added to stress in the morning, because I was always looking for matching socks and having to iron.
3. Before I leave for work in the morning, walk through the house one time and return items to where they belong.
Using just these 3 simple things, my house is tidy nearly 100% of the time and it takes 15 minutes a day.
You can work on your weight the exact same way. Just pick three simple things that you can do. You say you eat a lot of junk. Decide that for one of your snacks, you will eat a piece of fruit. Decide that when you cook at home, you will measure your portions. Decide when you go out to eat, you will box up half of your portion. After you feel comfortable with the first three changes, pick 3 more changes.
I've felt overwhelmed before too, but it feels so good when you start getting in charge of your life.
Thank you all so much for the kind words of encouragement and support!
I am feeling much better now as far my illness.. went to work today after being off the past two days.
I'm taking all of your advice and just doing this one step at a time. Part of the problem of being a perfectionist is that everything has to be done to be "perfect" and so doing just one thing makes an imbalance and I get caught up in EVERYTHING that NONE of it gets done or it becomes a bigger mess. (does that make sense?)
So this is quite a challenge to me to just take it in "baby steps" when my first instinct is to throw everything out of my fridge, make a 500 calorie per day plan, and exercise 3 hours a day - and laugh as you may but I've done it countless times! And then on about day 3 (or if I'm really motivated day 6) I'm burnt out and feeling horrible and decide I've worked so hard that it's ok to go ahead and eat a little something on the "bad list".. so I do, and it's turns to a binge and then I give up for a little while and the cycle starts itself all over again.
My first goal is to break out of that cycle and I'm going to do that by taking things one step at a time like you guys have suggested. So for today, I just want to say that although I didn't exercise, I kept my calories to 1500 and I don't even feel like "midnight snacking". yay!
Oh, darlin', I think we've ALL had that "all or nothing" mentality and gotten crazily gung-ho over a diet before. And yet, here we all are on a weight loss support board, so obviously that plan doesn't work out too well It's also not a good plan for maintaining any sort of weight loss, since it's impossible to keep that sort of thing up for the rest of your life. So don't feel crazy--it DOES make sense, and most of us have been there (with some of us still visiting there every once in a while in a fit of frustration ).
I agree completely with what everyone else here has written. I particularly agree with Jayell and Glory--small steps. I, too, tend to be an "all or nothing" type of person, and believe me, I continue to struggle with that mentality. As I've matured, though, I've realized that the people with the most success at weight loss are those who consistently make the right choices most (not all) of the time.
You CAN do this. If you really sit down and think about how much of your lives are in our control, it will make you almost euphoric. Your weight is within your control. Best wishes!
Hi Patty... I am NOT going to call you "crabby" because one of the first things I think you should do is learn to focus on a positive attitude... NOT easy I know when you are in the place you are at emotionally... a place ALL of us here have been and still fight against at times!
First, let me say how proud of you I am for your honest post and facing your issues! I agree with the others... and wow I struggle with this one too... but begin to clean up your house gradually, even just a few minutes at a time. You might even consider a reward system... for example I pay myself 50 cents for every 15 minutes of exercise or housework I do and it goes into my cruise fund. (I pay myself for other things too, especially things I do NOT want to do such as $1 a day for staying on program. If you can't afford to do something like this that is fine... I used to just give myself a small reward for each month I stayed on plan. It can even be something from the dollar store; just something to say "I did it."
I would like to invite you to join us in the 300 plus support group... it's okay if you are not 300 pounds; I was never that high either but as you said "on my way." It is a super group of encouragers and we all work together to help each other stay on plan and log our exercise!
People don't see ME, they see the fat covering me. I don't see it though, nope, I still look in the mirror and see me.. I'm still there. Except when, of course, my photo is taken.. then I'm that fat girl again - where did I go? Then I get to see the person everyone else sees.. that short little fat girl that doesn't know any better.
I was really touched by your post. I know it seems really hard, although I can't ever say that I would understand because I was never in such a position. I want to tell you that you MUST be strong. I really wish I had a chance to talk to you in person and put my hand on your shoulder now. It is hard. It is long, painful and ridiculous unforgettable. When you making a TINY, TINY change in your life, it may go unnoticed. But when you make many little changes, they add up. You just START out with a slightly changed you, and finish a whole new you. It is your choice, and whether or not you will drive yourself there depends on your attitude. I hope you will be strong and go where you've never taken yourself before. Push yourself when you think you can't, and be proud of the person you are inside. You deserve every tiny drop of respect you would give to yourself had you been a size 2. Remember your goals and take chances!! We're here for you. (In case you need us)
Patty, like so many others, I could have written your post too. Sometimes we have to feel like we hit bottom before we start working our way back up. Once you begin a program that is something you can live with (not 500 calories a day) you will have success. Once that success begins it starts to snowball, you'll feel better mentally and physically, you'll feel better about yourself, you'll have more energy. You'll feel up to and want to have a cleaner home. When you feel better, you'll be happier, people will enjoy being around you and that will help with your relationship with other.
You've taken a giant step by coming here and posting your story. Stick around, we are here for you. You can do this!! Good Luck.
One more... yes, I too could have written your post, except I've topped out over 300.
Yes, yes, yes, small changes are SOOOO essential.
In the past month, I've made just ONE small change: I exercised every day, for at least 10 minutes. Just 10 minutes. Many days I did more than 10 minutes, but I set my goal at just 10 minutes a day. I lost 6 pounds.
Sure, I know I wouldn't be able to keep losing 6 pounds a month without making more small changes. But if I had tried to do everything last month, I firmly believe I would have "fallen off the wagon" before the month was up.
Instead, I'm ready to make 1 more small change this month.
Personally, I think that for many of us, losing that all-or-nothing thinking might be one of the hardest things we have to do in order to conquer this.
![I've got to start somewhere because it's all seeming so hopeless..[long]](https://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/iconimages/weight-loss-support/ive-got-start-somewhere-because-its-all-seeming-so-hopeless-%5Blong%5D_ltr.gif)
I've got to start somewhere because it's all seeming so hopeless..[long]
If you haven't read some of the stories in the Goals forum, drop in there. 
It's also not a good plan for maintaining any sort of weight loss, since it's impossible to keep that sort of thing up for the rest of your life. So don't feel crazy--it DOES make sense, and most of us have been there (with some of us still visiting there every once in a while in a fit of frustration 
).
