I don't like crowds anymore. I used to, when I wasn't so fat. Now, I feel like I stand out and wish I could fold in on myself in public. This is so unlike me. The OLD me anyway, the pre-fat me.
So, yesterday I went to a scholarship awards ceremony, held in a lovely old theater building. I didn't know which scholarship I had been chosen for or what the amount was, until the moment I went on stage and received it.
I get to the theater and there were about 1,000 people there. I tell myself to just keep breathing. I am ushered to the seating area where recipients are to sit, and they take me to an aisle seat (I secretly breathe a sigh of relief).
I see who will be sitting next to me, a handsome young man in a suit, who smiles warmly at me and asks me what college I will be attending. I tell him I am already in college and he looks shocked, asking "You aren't in high school?" (This may be alright after all, I think to myself, the anxiety thawing a bit). No, I actually have a daughter who is soon starting high school. (The look on his face is priceless! This feels good!).
All goes well until I try to sit down. Will the seat squeeze my thighs and hips? It turns out that I am too big for the seat. I ungracefully force myself into it, and it actually hurts my thighs and hips. Okay, the FAT on my thighs and hips, to be direct.
The young man in the suit looks even more shocked than when I told him I was not a high school student, and the look on his face as he realizes that I am too FAT to fit without spilling over into his area really hurts. It's as if he is confused, then the realization hits that I am fat. Not just PHAT, but FAT. So fat, in fact, that he has to move his leg over. He eventually moves over one seat, closer to the cute girl sitting on the other side of him.
Well, fast forward to the ceremony beginning. Each individual is called up to the stage to receive their award. So, not only do I now feel the anxiety building about how I will look up there, (Will I be larger than everyone? Larger that the podium? Will the linty streaks on my new trousers, freshly washed, show up?) but I also have to stand UP every time the winners from my aisle are called to the stage. I am the ONLY person in the theater of 1,000 who has to do this. No, really. I am. I watched and can tell you that I was.
I was so humiliated. Then I started to get angry and think about all the other people who would be excluded from feeling comfortable at this event..people in wheelchairs, the very elderly, pregnant women, other fat people and so on. It doesn't help much. I feel like @&#^%.
I get called up to the front, and I know I should be holding my head high, proud to receive an award in the form of a scholarship. All I can think about is how quickly I can get up there so people aren't looking at me for a long time.
I get through it. I am awarded $2000, to be issued in $1000 increments for the next 2 semesters. I am proud, grateful, but my light is dimmed by the fact that I can't fit in my seat and my thighs and buttocks hurt. How humiliating.
When I get home, later at night, I see that I have BRUISES on my thigh/buttock/hip area. Swollen veins, broken capillaries and bruises, a reminder of how large I am, of how I don't fit in this world, of how I am looked down on for being a woman of size.
I am so sad and angry. It makes it hard not to want to try some extreme diet plan to lose weight really quickly when the world I live in literally hurts me because I am fat.
I hope you will use that day as motivation for losing weight--something that when the going gets tough, you can look back on and use that anger to say "Never again!"
Congratulations on the scholarship!!!!
I am sorry this happened, you are not alone, I will actually go to places and stand rather than sit, example is a neighbors house where my daughter plays outside, they only have one of those swinging love seats to sit on, everytime I go over there I stand up instead of sitting down. I know there will be a day that I will be able to sit without being afraid of breaking something, or not fitting into the seat. , you are not alone .
cheryl
Congratulations on the scholarship, and I'm sorry such a proud, wonderful experience was marred.
I understand the feelings about not fitting in the world. I feel the same in crowds, but I've always been an introvert. I definitely understand the seating issue. One of my favorite things to do is to go see Broadway musicals, and I haven't been in years because of concerns over the seating. Last time I went, the seats were very uncomfortable and my partner and I had to lean into one another so much to try (mostly unsuccessfully) to stay out of the space of the people next to us. It was humiliating and affected my enjoyment of the show. I have avoided concerts for the same reason.
Like Jayell, I hope you are able to use the experience as motivation for weight loss. You never have to have that experience again!
I know how you feel about "not fitting in". I remember taking a plane trip for work and having people next to me shift so that I wouldn't be touching them. It can be very depressing, but you need to turn it into something positive! Use it as your motivation to continue on. You can do it! Don't give up!
I am trying to keep positive but I really just want to get this weight off NOW!
I wish I could lose 50 pounds in 6 weeks healthfully, because I have a plane trip coming up (from west coast to east coast) and I don't want to worry about what would happen if I get seated to another big person!
Oh God, that's just a crap situation and I'm really sorry that you had to go through it. But there are a few important things to keep in mind:
1) The older the building, the smaller the seats. Don't think that your experience there will happen in other places!
2) A cute guy talked to you, and thought you looked young! It sounds like he didn't start getting awkward until you were getting uncomfortable, so in a different situation he would've kept talking to you
3) Despite the physical difficulty, you were recognized and presented to the crowd as a smart, capable woman worthy of support on your intellectual journey. No matter what the scale says, it does not reflect who you are as a person or what you are capable of!
RE: No more rock concerts, no more theaters....for now.
I will never forget attempting to fit into the newly built Phillips Arena in Atlanta at a Bruce Springsteen concert a few years ago. The guy I was seeing snagged great seats, and was so excited to invite me to come to this concert. I declined several times, because I had heard the new seats were 'American airline' small. I didn't fit. I'll never forget him telling me he did not think anyone wouuld mind if I sat in a folding chair on the end of the isle, right next to him - by the good grace of God. It was actually for security, but they said nothing to me and allowed me to sit there. This was the last concert I have attended with this person. I believe it ended our relationship. It was long distance anyway which made it difficult, but had survived a few years and lots of fun concerts. Until that one. He said nothing, neither did I. I'm a WW member for life now, because it is evident that to be able to live life to the fullest, we must fit.
dont stress soulbliss just imagine how you'll feel when you can comfortably sit in a chair like that! i used to spill over the school chairs but since i started losing (i joined here at 150 but i was 190 b4) i love seeing how much smaller I'm getting compared to the chairs. and hey even some of my size 8 friends look big in some theatre seats! dont give up or do anything brash the goal is to lose weight and be healthy right? not to deveop a disorder. love and hugs to you darlin' hope you feel better soon
Congratulations on the scholarship, and for being a good writer as well! Your post was very well written, and I could really feel how difficult it was for you. I suppose I would've been able to feel that, anyway, as I've been there myself! It really is more difficult than people realize, feeling like you simply don't fit anywhere. And I will always be angry at the world for making me feel that way when I weighed 275. I'll always hate that overweight people have to feel even worse about themselves because of airplane seats and all the other inconveniences they have to endure. However, I'll never stop being thankful that I changed my body to fit the world. I'm not thin by any means, but I FIT now, and just a few months ago I didn't. I'm telling you this because I want you to FULLY realize that you can do it too, and that your life WILL be easier because of it. Of course all our problems don't go away when we lose weight, but life is just...more convenient...easier. The little things are easier, and that makes a huge difference. I know it seems like it will take too long, that it's too far away, but you'll get there. I felt that too. I didn't think I could wait for those changes, but they happened and now here I am. I still have lots of excess weight on my body, but most of the time I feel "normal" and I don't have to feel uncomfortable in most situations. Yes, I still hate that I didn't feel "normal" before, and I'm sad that it has to be that way. But I'm so glad I can feel sad about it from a distance, you know? And you'll get there.
I have friends, a married couple, he is big, she is not.When they fly together, she flies coach and he flies first class because he cannot fit in the seats in coach.
I take extreme offense at the suggestion that humiliation should ever be used for weight loss motivation. At any size, a person should be able to hold their head high and KNOW they are a worthwhile, human being capable of wonderful things and deserving of respect.
There are thousands of wonderful reasons for weight loss that don't involve shame or self-hatred at any level.
kaplods, I completely agree that we should hold our heads high at any size. We are all worthy and capable and should never buy into society's expectations for size or beauty! I think I can see how you're reading my comment and others, and I think our difference is in the context. I don't use the shame as motivation, but I DO think that something like "I will be able to go see shows again comfortably" is motivation. I think some of us were just saying that we personally have found some empowerment in the knowledge that the ability to enjoy those situations more is within our control.
kaplods, of course there are a million wonderful reasons for weight loss. Namely, good health. On this forum, we've discussed those reasons at length and I'm sure we will continue to. As I said in my post above, it's unfortunate that we have to feel uncomfortable in the world when we are overweight, but it is also a fact that we do. Now that I DO fit in seats easily, I can tell you that the little things in life are easier. That too is a simple fact. I see nothing wrong with wanting to make your life easier. I can't imagine that anyone would lose weight for that reason alone, and I don't think anyone had that in mind. I'm confused as to why you would think so. I'm also a little surprised that you brought up self-hatred because I didn't get that sense from anyone's post here. Wanting to make your life easier doesn't mean that you hate yourself the way you are now. At 275, I loved myself and believed I deserved respect, as I did. In fact, I respected and loved myself enough to get healthy.
It goes without saying that we all wish we lived in a world where being overweight is NOT so difficult. Obviously health is the most important reason for weight loss, but there's no reason to dismiss other improvements you see in your life at a healthy weight. I never realized how much of a difference those things would make until I lost this much weight.
I don't fit in this world anymore (long rant)
on the scholarship!
