I've never posted in this section before. I've actually avoided it. Denial? Yeah. I stopped going to OA because they irritated me. (Don't ask.) I've lost 33 lbs on Weight Watchers and I'd been feeling in control, like I totally have this weight loss thing licked this time.

But this last week has been killing me. I haven't been able to stop eating since Thursday. Yesterday (Sunday) was the 2nd anniversary of my father's death. My mom died 7 weeks earlier in the same year. It just snuck up on me and, that, with all the other stuff in my life has me just overwhelmed with emotion.

I'm living in a new place. I have no friends, no partner, not close to my family. I have no real support. I feel totally alone. So I'm having this very Geneen Roth "When Food is Love" experience. That last few days have proven, that the food DOESN'T make me feel better and that it DOESN'T taste THAT good and, frankly, I haven't even missed eating like that.

But I don't know how to stop. I tried to get it together today but I couldn't. It feels so inevitable that I will fail at this now. This feels like a lost cause. It feels like I will never get back to a place of sanity. It feels like I will never feel as empowered and healthy and self-loving as I did a few weeks ago. All I feel now is fat and stupid and weak. All I feel now is destined to sabotage myself, to die young, to live alone, to be fat, fat, fat.

I HATE THIS FEELING!!! I HATE FEELING LIKE I CAN'T DECIDE FOR MYSELF. I hate feeling that the veggies and fruit and whole bread and good food I ate only a few weeks ago aren't good anymore. NO! It's not even that I don't think they're good. It's that there is this old, nasty, unhealthy part of me that feels compelled to eat crap because that's what you do when you're emotional and lonely and unloved and binging. And now that I've started, I have to keep going and I have to eat crap no matter how good that healthy stuff is. ISN'T THAT CRAZY!?!?!?!?!?

My heart starting pounding in my chest as soon as I looked at this website - as soon as I stopped chomping on the crap I was eating, actually.

What do you do to stop a binging cycle? I've binged my whole life and I've NEVER felt THIS way. I've never been so aware of how unfullfilling it is, how bad the food tastes, how bad my body feels. But even knowing that, I can't seem to JUST TURN IT OFF. How do I stop? How do I get back to the good habits I'd worked so hard to form?

Hi there. I just want to say that you're not alone. I had a bit of a week-long bingeing cycle just last week. I just moved from Ohio to Phoenix, AZ less than a month ago...alone, so I know what it's like being in a new place without knowing anyone. My partner is in Ohio and it will be another 5 months before I see her. That's enough to make me go insane. I don't know if my solution to the binge cycle will help you, but it has certainly helped me. Too many times in the past, I've had a bad day as far as eating goes (binged or simply ate too much) and as a result, I decided in order to "fix" the damage, I'd restrict the next day or two...or three. Well, when the restricting didn't work, I'd binge out of frustration and/or anger. I've recently been doing some research on Intuitive Eating and it's something I've been doing the last week. It's a way to "get over" dieting. I mean, for me, I figure if I've been dieting my whole freakin' life and it hasn't worked yet, then I must need to switch it up a bit. Basically, with Intuitive Eating, no foods are "good" or "bad." It's just you being in tune with your body's needs. You eat WHAT you want, WHEN you want. The only requirements are you eat when you're hungry and stop when you're NOT hungry. It's simply RElearning how eating should be. I've read that once you change your way of thinking and take on this non-diet approach to weightloss, your body will actually crave the nutrients you need. Also, if you're big on sweets or chocolate or what have you, you won't be tempted to eat that way frequently, because NOTHING is off limits. It's guilt-free without the headaches and obsession that's usually time-consuming while "dieting." I'm sorry to ramble, but I've finally found a way to avoid the binges that lead to the depression that leads to more binges. It's good to have that freedom. Good luck to you and I hope you can get it under control. Even if my rambling does nothing for you, you have my support! You just need to find whatever works for you. Hopefully whatever that "something" is, you can be as appreciative of it as I am my Intuitive Eating. Best wishes!
~33Zen

Oh, honey, I WISH I had the answer. I was on a long stint of eat-anything-and-everything days as you are describing just a couple weeks ago, and I really haven't been able to stop it quite yet, but I have been able to slow it down. For the most part, I'm just limiting the availability of food as much as possible. Out of sight, out of mind, right? ha, I wish it were that easy--I'm CONSTANTLY thinking about food. But at least out of ARM'S REACH, out of mouth, right?

Anyway, I have NO junk in my house. None. Not even "diet-friendly" junk. No 100-calorie packs, no reduced sugar or reduced fat snacks, NOTHING. I actually got really frustrated the other night because I was LOOKING for something to gorge myself on, and it just wasn't there. I just kept wandering through the kitchen, looking in the fridge, the freezer, and the cabinets, but I just couldn't find ANYTHING. All I have are ingredients, not really food that's easy to grab. And thank god, because it saved me from another binge.

My freezer is filled with frozen veggies, frozen raw meat, and Lean Cuisines. My fridge contains a little lower-sodium sandwich meat, some thin-sliced cheese, skim milk, whole wheat tortillas, a bunch of condiments, a couple fruits and veggies...nothing easy to grab and eat. My cabinets have NO crackers, no cookies, no chips, no breakfast or snack bars, no nothin'! So when I want something to eat, I have to take the time to actually dig around, find what I want, get out the ingredients, make it (which often requires cooking via oven or microwave), put everything away, and clean up. This is usually too much work for me for a binge prepare the food, should you choose to do so, gives me a lot more time to think about WHAT and WHY I'm eating.

That's all well and good at home, but outside of the house is where I still have some difficulty. I am pretty good if I keep myself IN the office for lunch because I bring my own foods for lunch and snacks during the day, but once I'm in my car, all bets are off. It's like this big neon sign in my head pointing right to the nearest Wendy's or McDonald's. I'll even sometimes go so far as to go OUT of my way to get the fast food since I don't typically pass any on my way to/from work (well, I pass an Arby's, but it's old and doesn't have a drive-thru ).

So yeah...all we can do is do what we can, and take it one day/hour/meal at a time. It's not realistic for me to just flip a switch and say I'll never have fast food again, but it IS realistic for me to stop and say, "Okay, I had fast food X number of times last week, so this week, I'll try for no more than X-2." Personally, I'm actually working out a plan in my head to start next week to keep me more accountable. I NEVER have cash on hand, so I pay for EVERYTHING with my debit card. I'm going to start posting what I spend my moey on on our refrigerator for my fiance to see. He doesn't care if I never lose another pound, but I'm sure that since we're saving up for a townhouse, he'd be interested to know I spend X amount of dollars on fast food/junk food in a week But I NEED an outside force (in this case, my fiance) to help me with this or else I'll never get it under control alone.

Anyway, big hugs You're not alone, and you WILL get through it!
plus the time to

Soulnik, I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you, too. I hear you, hon.
I'm so sorry about your Dad and Mom. I lost my Dad a couple of years ago, too, and everytime I think about him being gone, it's like the wind's been knocked right out of me. How devastating for you losing both parents.

I find that when I'm in complete binge-mode (which is often, lately), the only thing that works for me is forcing myself to stop and think about what I'm doing. Because when I'm binging, I'm on auto-pilot. I don't want to think about what I'm doing... I just want to keep cramming things into my mouth while thinking about my next "food fix".
If I actually stop and say something aloud to myself, it seems to catch me. Something like: "Ellis, stop right now. Think about what you're doing. You have a choice between killing yourself with food or eating to live."
It sounds crazy, but I am crazy eating myself to death like this.
It's hard being mindful. I don't want to think, and I know that for me, it all boils down to my being lazy. How hard is it to think? Apparently it's too much for me most of the time.
Just the fact that you came in here is a huge step. You've acknowledged that you need help.

Another thing I find is that I want someone to do this for me. I want someone to give me a magic pill or at the very least, give me some willpower. And that can only come from within. Sometimes even just acknowledging that it's hard is okay. It's okay to say, "I hate eating these veggies, but I'm doing it anyhow." Or, "I hate exercising, but I'm putting on my running shoes right this minute and I'm going for a walk." Even if we're moaning and groaning while we're doing it, that's okay. Nobody said we had to like eating healthy and moving our bodies. That may come some day, but today is not the day.

I hope you stay and hang around here with us, Soulnik. We're all in this together, and we're here for you, sweetie.

Tara, you're so right about relearning how to eat. It doesn't have to be rocket-science... it just takes some (major) hard work at practicing new habits.

Jill, I'm like you with the food. I'm fairly safe if all I have is ingredients to make things with... because I'm too lazy to cook or even whip up a bowl of icing.

Thank you, Ellis. That's so me. I'm trying to get back on the wagon myself.

Thanks you all. So, today I was thinking about Tara's "intuitive eating" and intuited myself from Friday's to Denny's with some snack stops in between. Don't think I'm quite ready for that.

Jill, your "out of sight, out of mind" thing has often worked for me. I lived in NYC for 7 years and the deal I made was there was NEVER any binge food in the house - no snacks, sweets, nothing. If I wanted it, I had to go get it and going to get it meant walking 8 or 9 blocks in whatever kind of weather to the grocery store.

I've been back in the suburbs for a month and I have a car now. Bad news, man! I posted in the community journal that I had two unhealthy problems when I lived in the suburbs before - eating and shopping. Well I haven’t been to the mall yet but I shop for food EVERYDAY. Nowadays, I look for low points food with higher nutrional value but I’m still ALWAYS thinking about food - weight loss food. I really do have a problem with food. I thought that since I’d been doing so well on WW that I had it under control. But the truth is, I’m still obsessed with food. I shop for food EVERY DAY. So my house is PACKED with all sorts of 100 calorie snacks and frozen entrees and all sorts of whatnot. It would be very, very not cost effective to throw stuff out. I simply cannot afford to waste that kind of money. What could I do so I can work the whole "if you want it, you gotta go get it" thing? Do 100 calorie packs freeze well?

i have to say that 100 cal packs are not really that healthy and i think most people with binging problems end up binging on those! soon a 100 cal pack becomes an 800 cal pack, and the worst part is it's not even that much food! i know i have been guilty of it. i don't buy them anymore. i have to say that every time i have gone to the grocery store lately i see those hostess 100 cal packs staring at me. i stare at it too. i have never tried them, and i'm afraid to. i know i would eat a whole box. So, so far I have not bought them. but i have definitely contemplated it each time i see it!!1