[Hotbikini]

I'm a teacher and not too long ago a student asked me if I'm having a baby. I turned multiple shades of red but somehow managed to keep my composure. I put a smile on my face and said "No sweetheart. I'm not pregnant, but maybe someday I will be." You can't blame the sweet child for her natural curiosity. She didn't mean to ruin my day.

This might sound funny, but I'm really tired of looking pregnant when I'm not and never have been. I'm just overweight. I see other women my same weight that carry their weight differently than I do. I gain weight mostly in my face and stomach. My belly protrudes straight out from my torso. It's not even soft fat. It's hard and round like a basketball. I don’t' get it.

There's nothing really wrong with me medically. I just carry my weight this way. It's very depressing. I don't go out much because I'm self-conscious of my weight and how I carry it. I would like to date again, but I'm not ready for that. I feel ugly. I used to be really fit and thin; a size 6 most of my life. Then, I discovered comfort from food and developed a binging habit that took over everything.

I'm not expecting to be a size 6 again, but I want to recognize myself in the mirror. I used to be a model. You would never guess that if you saw me now. My mother even tells me that I don't look at all like the girl I USED TO BE. The truth is, she's right. I fear running into people who used to know me when I was thin. Their first thought is probably "What happened to her!??? She really let herself go."

Food has become my only reward and release. It's something I look forward to at the end of the day when I can binge in the comfort of my solitude. It's just me and the food. I control myself pretty well during the day, but at night I go crazy eating whatever I can. It's like I'm on the hunt for the one thing that will satisfy me and I eat different things until I find the one food that does the trick. By then I'm ridiculously full but content and SATISFIED. The stress from the day vanishes and I'm left in a brief yet pleasant food coma.

I'm tired of this. I want to live my life and change my antisocial behavior. I want to be confident again with my appearance and not self-conscious. Food has such a grip on me. I just joined this site and I've made some positive changes. I just hope I can stay focused and not fall.

Thank you for lending me your ear.

[seranab]

You know what... with our support and comfort and a little bit of will power you will reach that 135 pound target and you're going to love yourself. It's not going to be easy (lol I know trust me) but it will be worth it!!

[Kate109]

Hotbikini, I can really relate to your post!

I calculated that we are at the same weight- with the same start and goal weight. Well, I really donīt have skinny legs or arms, but most of the fat seems to decide that it would be a pretty good idea to meet on my stomach and have a sit- in. And yes, my belly looks like a basketball too. Like I would be 7 month pregnant. In my case, itīs
a) because I have PCO- syndrom and insulin resistance (both are know to produce such bellys)
b) bad, bad luck

If I try to find clothes that hide my "discomfort zone", I have a look at the department for the pregnant women...And I got that "You should try Pilates for you belly" advice 5765 times until now. And I stopped counting how often my mother told me: you look sooo pregnant.
I really hope that this problem will disapear along the road to my goal weight!

But you have a huge advantage in my opinion: you know how how it feels to be skinny and fit. I have always been more or less overweight, so I have no idea what I would be like to be skinny....That scares me! And that fear is a big obstacle for me. I try to visualize myself thin and fit (like all the self- help books tell you), but itīs hard.

I am evening/ night binger as well. I tried to solve the problem in the last weeks with not- eating three oīclock in the afternoon, but that couldnīt be the solution... Next week Iīll try pre- planned meals.

Well, I guess my rambling wasnīt helpful for you But stay here, writing about all that helps a lot. In my case, it also keeps me accountable and helps me staying focussed and on track.

I hope you have a nice Sunday!

Kate

[shelby897]

I know how you feel. I was a size 10/12 at 145 lbs and now obviously have let myself go. I always wonder what's worse -- being someone overweight who was thin once or someone who has always been overweight. I ran into an old neighbor once and she was kind enough to say "you've really gained a lot of weight". I've learned with the binging at night that I will never find something that really satisfies the cravings, because it really isn't the food I'm looking for -- it's a "feeling" of fullfilment/happiness, etc. that food will never fill. Find a hobby, anything to take up your time at night and keep you away from food -- read a good book, go for a walk, call a friend, anything. It is very difficult but trust me, eventually the cravings will subside. We can't change our bodies overnight but just knowing we are working on it will make the comments less painful and as you lose weight, trust me your self confidence and self esteem will increase. Good luck -- we are all here for you.

[shrinkingchica]

Originally Posted by Hotbikini

I'm tired of this. I want to live my life and change my antisocial behavior. I want to be confident again with my appearance and not self-conscious. Food has such a grip on me.

Hear, hear! Me too. This, however, is something that can be worked on at any weight and size! I wish I knew that so many lbs ago..........