I'm so frustrated right now, I have no idea what to do. I went to work today, my second day back since I had surgery (breast reduction). While at work for breakfast and lunch I had about 870 calories (and that's with overestimating what I had, it's probably more between 700 and 800). After having my surgery I find that I tire very very easily, so by the time I got home at 6 all I could do was lay down and sleep. I've now woken up at 10 and it just feels like the eating disorder monster has taken over my head.
I know my weigh-in is tomorrow, and I'd love love love to be in the 180's instead of 190's, and being the idiot that I am I jumped on the scale now and I'm at 190.8. I know that if I don't eat anything else tonight I'll definetely be down into the 180's by tomorrow when I weigh in, or at least down to 190, but my tummy is growling. I don't want to start that pattern, if I don't eat tonight I'm not going to eat next Tuesday night before weigh in, and then it's gonna move into not eating the Monday and Tuesday before weigh in, etc etc. But I have this stupid little voice in my head that's telling me that if I do eat I'm going to gain weight, or at least not lose, and be this big fat failure.
I'm also worried that if I eat tonight it's going to end up in a binge and then my weigh in is completely shot. And then I have thoughts of just drinking juice to get my calories up, but that's not normal eating either! You'd think after 4 years of trying to recover from this freakin demon (with many many failed attempts) I would have at some point learned how to just eat normally.
I guess all I can do is try to convince myself that supper is ok, and it's not going to make me gain a zillion pounds, and if it does it's not the end of the world, but that's so hard to believe when you're so used to living on the belief that the number on the scale should dictate everything that happens in your life.
I guess I'm just looking for some support here, hearing myself say it's ok to eat is just never enough because then I get that stupid voice in my head that tells me I'm being stupid and weak and eating is never ok for me.
I know what you mean by being frustrated. This weight thing really messes with my mind. Some times I think that I am just loosing it. That I am proned to be fat for the rest of my life. But the thought of being at this weight or even more weight for the rest of my life is horrible. I already feel like digging a hole and never coming out. I have a function to attend in June. GOD, I do not want to go and be the fattest person there. And then there is the battle to find something nice to wear. That is going to really depress me to no end. I hate the thought ot it. My husband is going to make me go. I almost feel like finding a way to make myself sick, then I can't go.
BlackCherry, I understand you, I am quite in the same situation. Gained weight in the last weeks/ months and next Monday is an appointment with my Doc when I have to tell her my weight....I am still fighting the thought of not eating to lose a bit more weight, but I hope my voice of reason (speaking of it: ARE YOU STILL THERE?? Havenīt heard a lot reasonably things in the last months) wins and I stay away from the scale.
And I can relate to being tired easily after having breast reduction. I had one six years ago. Fortunately I was a student then so I could decide what I wanted to do or what I COULD do for myself. I took me quite a long time to recover. After all, itīs a huge surgery!
Itīs NOT OK to starve just to get the scale down a little bit. Iīve done that several thousand time, the result was always a full blown binge and a weight gain!
I am not very good in the moderation thingy, but eating a small (reasonable) meal would be the best thing. Or forgetting about the weighing day woud be the best.....
Ok, I have to admitt that I donīt have a real answer to your problem. Just wanted to say that I know what you are going through!
Blackcherry, I hope you made it through the evening OK. Starving yourself for a weigh in is not a good idea, but then you already know that. I would suggest (since this is bound to occur again sometime) that you make yourself a light meal of something that you are confident you can handle without bingeing - maybe some soup or something. Don't just have "a few crackers" - too easy to eat mindlessly. You know what foods are low-risk for you. One meal isn't going to make you gain significant weight. Plus, even if it means you don't reach the 180's until next week, it would be worth it to score a point for normal, healthy eating and listening to your body.
Thanks for all the replies I of course didn't expect someone to have the magical fix to my problem, but it always helps to know that there are people who understand what's happening. My boyfriend could see that something was wrong last night, but there was no way I could talk to him about it, he just doesn't get it.
I ended up eating a small meal, brown rice, some veggie "meat", and veggies. And now today I'm at 190.2 and having those feelings of "well if I had just not eaten then..." but at the same time I'm trying to tell myself it's ok, I'm less than half a pound away from the 180's, so as long as I continue eating healthy I'm going to be there next week, possibly even farther in the 180's than I could have been this week.
So there we go...one more point for healthy eating and listening to my body, 0 points for the old bad habits! Though it was a hard point, I'm happy to have it, I don't want to go back to starving, binging, and purging.
Kate109 I'm just curious, how long did it take you to recover from your breast reduction? I'm almost wondering if part of the reason that I get so tired so easy is because I'm a vegetarian and if I forget to take my vitamins I'm automatically going to be tired that day, but yesterday I did take my vitamins and was exhausted! So maybe it's just at least partly normal to be this tired.
Black Cherry, great job on eating a good healthy supper last night! You shouldn't be so hard on yourself girl, don't let those stupid numbers control you... I know that is a lot easier said and done, I get like that sometimes too. Just try to remember it's not all about the numbers, it's about being healthy and happy. I was really glad to read the last post that said you ate supper though, you did great
Uh, I guess I am my recovery from surgery isnīt a good example because I am vegetarian as well. Combine that with my PCO syndrom, Insulin resistance and the fact that it takes forever for every wound to heal...I guess I was "out of order" for about three moths. And I had to spent 14 days in Hospital.
Frustrated
I of course didn't expect someone to have the magical fix to my problem, but it always helps to know that there are people who understand what's happening. My boyfriend could see that something was wrong last night, but there was no way I could talk to him about it, he just doesn't get it. 
