This is kinda mumble jumble - I'm just typing things as it comes to my head.
My MSN tagline says "Everyday I fight a war against the mirror, I can't take the person starin' back at me" - it has a couple of meanings. One is physically - I hate the way I look. I don't think I'm pretty, I have no self-confidence and no self-esteem. I don't even know what that is. Compared to my siblings, I'm the fat one. I LOVED the way I looked this summer but that quickly disappeared when I started gaining it back. I feel so weak, like I won't be able to ever lose this stupid weight that I carry around all bloody day. The majority of my excess weight is in my stomach area and a bit in my thighs but I don't care about my thighs. I just purchased a body slimmer yesterday online so I'm hoping that will help conceal the fat bulges! *crosses her fingers*
The thoughts of starving myself or only eating an apple and fat free yogurt a day have overcome my mind. I know that's the stupid thing to do and it 'won't work' but I can't get it out of my head! I've also thought about starting to purge whatever I do eat. That's just gross but that could help. I just don't want to be FAT anymore!!!
The other meaning that my MSN tagline has is on the emotional side. I won't get into that right now because, well, I don't want to right now.
SPOILER: CONTENT
A few years ago when I was at my heaviest, I told my doctor that I wanted to do something bad to take big chunks of fat off my stomach (I'll leave it to your imagination). Those thoughts are back again and although it's highly unlikely that I will do it, it's still in my mind and I can't get it out.
I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. It's like I don't even know how to go about starting to eat properly after work, which is my worst time. A couple of years ago, my doctor suggested I follow the South Beach Diet and I did it for a few weeks...then just stopped. I loved it when I was on it because I lost 6 pounds in the first week! I want to start the SBD again but it's the stupid cravings that I give into. They've taken over my mind!! I've got to make a grocery list and go buy stuff to start Phase 1! Can I do it? I hope so but I don't really know.
I think a lot of us have had some of these same thoughts, whether we admit it or not -- it's how we deal with them that matters. Rationally thinking, none of your "solutions" would ever work and I'm sure you know that, but I just get where I can't stand myself anymore and would do anything to lose all my weight (again)!!! I think you just need to take little steps, I wish I could just wake up one morning and be thin, and somedays I'm okay trying to lose weight, but when I let my mind run away -- I get desperate and can't stand it anymore. Those are the times I need to step back, relax and format a plan to get through it. It's not what we eat that tends to railroad us, it's why we eat it. I have the worst time right about now (everyone here just went to bed), I'm alone, get "emotional" and tend to eat. I've just realized that will only make matters worse. If I want to control all of this, it has to start with giving up on the food. It has done me no good for 12 years and it won't stop solving any problems now by overeating. Please check out the posts all over the website, I've found great comfort from the people on here, the one's who've made it to their goal and more importantly, the one's who are struggling towards it like I am.
The thoughts of starving myself or only eating an apple and fat free yogurt a day have overcome my mind. I know that's the stupid thing to do and it 'won't work' but I can't get it out of my head! I've also thought about starting to purge whatever I do eat. That's just gross but that could help. I just don't want to be FAT anymore!!!
A few years ago when I was at my heaviest, I told my doctor that I wanted to do something bad to take big chunks of fat off my stomach (I'll leave it to your imagination). Those thoughts are back again and although it's highly unlikely that I will do it, it's still in my mind and I can't get it out.
Okay, I know how you feel. I struggle with starving and binging/purging......I now see a therapist and a nutritionist to help me overcome it.
As for the fantasy of chopping off the extra fat......I have certainly had those as well. It is a horrible feeling.
What is a bit sick, but interesting is that through my plastic surgeries I have almost been able to fulfill those fantasies in a way. Because when I wake up......a slab that was once a part of me is now gone. It is a bizarre experience.
I just want you to know that you aren't alone and that you can overcome these feelings. Maybe talk with some family members/friends or a therapist or even just us here at 3fc. And know that you can lose this weight healthily and that we are here to support and cheer you on.
Oh.......and you certainly don't suck. Don't be so hard on yourself. I am sure that you are the only one who could think that....... Be nice to yourself, lilmiss.
I agree with the other girls: we all have those feelings of helplessness sometimes. It helps to talk to people who have been through the battle or still fighting. I was in your situation many times, during different phases of my life. I struggled with using drugs to keep the weight off (which is NEVER a good idea) to diet pills, to extreme exercising, purging, restricted eating, etc. You know where it got me? Right back to the beginning plus some everytime.
You need to work on the inside as well as the outside as well. I have started reading Dr. Phil's book again, which is a great motivator. You also need to eat 5-6 times a day to keep your metabolism up. If you need to snack, try those 100 calorie packs, they make them for every junk food now. Try substituting your foods to cut back your craving and be healthier-like whole grains for white flour, lower fat versions,etc.
Good luck. You can do this. You have to believe you are worth it to begin to change.
I suck
I struggle with starving and binging/purging......I now see a therapist and a nutritionist to help me overcome it. 
