**WARNING: the following is a pretty long exploration of my recent string of failures, plus some major food porn (if you're sensitive to mentions of sweet food, don't read on). Proceed at your own risk.**
There are some things that I feel really embarassed about admitting. I'm going to tell you anyway. I really don't know what's going on with me anymore... There's obviously something wrong, as I'm not acting myself, and in fact I'm acting in a rather destructive manner which is counter to everything I want to achieve. I don't know if admitting this will make it better or worse... but damn it, something has to change, or I'm well on my way to a bigger pair of pants.
I'm talking about eating, which has always been a touchy subject for me... growing up as the fat kid in the class makes one sensitive, you know?
Anyway, let me tell you what I've done.
-I've been to Mcdonalds 3 times in the past two weeks. If that wasn't bad enough, each time I ordered for two people and ate it all alone.
-When I go to the grocery store, I buy a dozen doughnuts, eat one or two as soon as I get into the car, and eat the rest within 30 minutes of arriving home. (I have done this twice in the last week.)
-I've bought tubs of ice cream on a couple of occasions which I eat in one sitting. (Twice in the last week.)
-I went back to the grocery store one day specifically because they had a two-for-one sale on packages of 18 bakery cookies. I was sick the day after I ate one of them (the whole 18-count package), and promised myself I'd throw the other one out. Then I proceeded to eat it all anyway.
I've never made a habit of doing this crap to myself before. I did have my little binges (about 3% of the amount of food I've consumed in the past two weeks), but nothing as drastic as this! I feel fatter, more lethargic, unable to concentrate. God knows what would happen if I actually weighed myself.
This isn't who I want to be! I don't understand why I can be so well-versed in healthy eating... know what my body wants, know how to give it those things, but still treat it like ****. What is it that I'm trying to fix by eating? I'm never hungry when I do this. It always happens in the evenings when I get back from school.
And you know what? I really don't like a lot of the crap I put in my mouth! Those cookies I ate? I didn't enjoy them at all. The ice cream? Truth be told, I'm not a big ice cream fan. I've NEVER craved doughnuts in my life, and after eating probably six or seven dozen of them since moving to Charlottesville, I think I should be done with them forever. On the other hand, I love vegetables. I love finding different ways to cook them. I love the way they taste, I love the way they make me feel. There are so many people who hate vegetables but manage to eat them anyway because they're healthy... but I don't have that problem. I crave vegetables. But then when I have the choice, I let the veggies rot in my fridge and eat junk food anyway.
I just don't understand. I know what I want. I want to be healthy and fit. I want to take care of myself. But every single day, I find some way to let myself sabotage myself in my progress. I have not had a binge-free day in over a week.
Maybe I'm filling my stomach with crap to compensate for the giant emptinesses in my life right now. Moving away from everything you know and love is tough (though I'm not going to be so presumptive to say this has only happened to me). Not having Leo here is hard. School is immensely difficult to keep on top of. Finances aren't easy, and I'm not making them better by eating everything in sight on a regular basis.
How can someone have so little control over her own body and impulses and will and actions? I feel like someone else is directing my body! I know what I want! I look at ice cream and say "I don't want this" or "I only want a taste." And then I eat it all anyway. It's like there are two little gremlins in my brain -- one which directs my thoughts and the other which directs my actions.
So yeah, I'm worried. And more than a little scared. I honestly hate what I'm doing to myself.