I am so off with myself and my little sister.
We were having a chat last night. Her BF is coming to stay this weekend (Sis and I live together as of about 3 weeks ago), and I said to her in a jokey way that she had better take him out to do something as I wanted to spend the weekend lying in the back garden in my bikini to work on my (non-existent) tan. She said, if she tells him that he'll probably want to stay behind.
OK, so far, we are all jokey and smiling and having fun. Then she says, all seriously, "don't worry he really doesn't fancy you". Now I've only met this guy twice and it's not like I want him to fancy me, but somehow that really hurt. She put such an emphasis on the word really that makes me think that they have been talking about how unattractive I am behind my back. Also, I just can't see a reason for her to say that at all, it was totally unnecessary.
She is a very attractive, skinny and successful girl, and I am the fat one who hasn't made much of her life so far, so I know that I already feel self-conscious around her and I'm probably being hyper-sensitive, but I swear she looks down on me because I'm overweight. I keep hoping that my life will change and I'll be able to keep up with her, I am losing weight and this is the first time I have ever felt like I am really going to do this, and after a fantastic trip round South America later this year, I plan to come back to the UK and start studying to pass an exam to get into medical school as an mature student. But things like this just make my confidence crash and then I start worrying about everything and how my dreams will never happen because I will find a way to sabotage myself yet again. I just wish I wouldn't let things get to me, and that I could make myself work hard for my dreams. It is like my mind thinks that if I don't try then I can't fail, but in the end I still feel like a failure anyway because I haven't worked hard and succeeded, and I then I'm so unhappy I just push myself further away from my dreams.
I'm sorry for the rant and pity party, I just had to get that out.