Acck! I haven't been able to log on to 3fc since *thinking* MONDAY! I've been busy w/ shopping (nowhere near done yet), preparing for a new job that will start next month, family, decorating (after a couple trips to Michaels, I have many small decorating projects to finish up), cleaning, etc. Normally I keep a food log, but during these last couple of days I've abandoned that. I am journalling again today, so that's a good thing. I had more junky calories (and overall calories) from Sunday - Tuesday than I should have. I'm ready to get back on the wagon. I want to make my goal of 169 by Dec. 31 soooo badly. I haven't been exercising these last few days, either. I feel awful. However, I know what to do to change that feeling. I have my bedroom, bathroom & walk-in closet to clean today in anticipation of my 18 yo sister's arrival for Winter Break. I hate that my bedroom is so big when it comes time to clean....what a chore.
So even though that will take a large chunk of time, I'll make sure to fit at least 60 min. of walking/jogging in there. I always feel sooo good after I exercise, even if I felt like that was the last thing I wanted to do. Never fails.
I'm excited to see my sister. I have 4 sisters altogether, and she's the only one I get along with. That's not a bad thing; it's just the way things are right now. I live w/ my family, and I am seriously considering moving out in the next couple of months. I start a new job next month and I don't think it's healthy for me to be around my family. The thing is, though, that my parents are going through a really bad separation right now and I know my Dad wants a divorce. My Mom is devastated, which I do and don't understand, considering their history. Even though I have told my Mom that she needs to see a counselor to get through this period of time and work through her emotions, she will never see one unless I force her to, which I am not prepared to do right now. I have a 9 yo brother whose feelings neither one of them are taking into consideration. They act like they don't have any children. Truthfully, they are very selfish people, especially my father. I am the one whose shoulder is cried on, I am the one who has to deal with 2 tempestuous sisters, I am the one who feels like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders...and even though it's been like this for a few months and I have been as strong as I could be, I caved on Sunday...and that's why I binged. I felt like nothing would get any better so why even try? I wanted it to all go away, even though I know food doesn't make anything go away...except for my waistline.
So even though it will be in my best interest to leave, I can't bring myself to do it because my Mom and little brothers need me right now. The weirdest thing about this whole situation is that since my Dad and I probably look the most alike in the family, and our birthdays are very close (Nov. 1 and Nov. 4) so we're both Scorpios (whom my mom and oldest sister both despise), and we're both the 5th of 10 children, and since I'm here and my Dad is on the opposite coast, it's almost as if my Mom transfers (or displaces) her hatred and anger at my Dad to me b/c she cannot bring herself to yell at him or tell him how he is hurting her b/c she thinks he will leave if she pushes him a little bit. Of course, he's already gone both mentally and physically, but he strings her along by agreeing to call her twice a day and he wasn't here for Thanksgiving, but he is going to be here for Christmas. She is going all out for Christmas to please him. He'll be here either the 22nd or 23rd. But I'm not my dad, and I didn't hurt her...he did. Even though we may look similar on the outside, we're very different people on the inside. Everytime I tell her I want to move out, though, she has flashbacks to my Dad telling her the exact same thing. So do you see how I can't leave her right now? Even though it hurts me every day, I find myself having to clean up after my father. I have to give the love of a parent and a sister to my little brothers. He was not even a good father or husband, but they have been married for 32 years after she met him when she was 18, so he is all she has known. Familiarity breeds comfort, right?
Yeah, I know, I'm pretty depressing....especially considering it is the Christmas season. I know that everything will be good again and I'll be able to go out on my own w/in the next year. I just needed to get all that out. I feel a little better now. Time to get back to work!