Stalled Weight loss: Ok…another frustration…sigh! I seem to do well for weeks or months at a time…and then something happens, like work, the kitties, hubby, a fricking hurricane, and so on. I fall out of routine, things turn to crap, I put on the weight that I just busted my hump to lose. Even if I eat perfectly, but don’t exercise, I sit there & stall. A treat= a gain. And as we speak, I’m getting fed up with sitting here at the same #, month after month. Word hard, lose it, gain it, get pissed, lose it again, chaos ensues, gain it back, repeat until ready to beat your head against a wall until it stops. I’m sure there are legitimate “reasons” along the way, but to me, a lot of them feel like excuses. And when I think I DO have a legit reason, that’s the time that everyone else sees it as just making excuses. Sigh.
Self Sabotage: I have to think that something’s not right in my head. Granted, if I were perfectly fine, I wouldn’t be this damn fat. Something made me do this to myself. It’s me. Blame it on my childhood, my family, my school, being a geek, my brother being the athlete & never measuring up, me being the bookworm & scholar. Blame it on growing up poor & not being able to afford fast food, or even good cuts of beef. We ate a lot of pasta & bread & processed foods because they were cheap. We could eat like kings on 50.00 a week with mac & cheese & hot dogs, spaghetti…and there was bread on the table all the time. Still hungry? Have a piece of bread. Now, thanks to surviving the best we could with what we had, Mom’s got diabeties. She stops smoking, beats lumps in her breasts over the last 20 years which aren’t cancerous because we’re fanatical about that & lost everyone else to female cancers, and no sooner does she make a healthy change, whammo- diabeties. Plus arthritis in the knees, which runs in my family. My mother is a walking fricking poster child for why I can’t continue the destructive behaviors that got me here. Just because I can get a Gigantor-Sized meal for 3.99 does not mean I need to do that, just because I can afford it, financially. More bang for your buck is hard to get out of your system when you spend the first 25 years of your life scraping by. I have to get it through my head that 5.99lb for lean ground beef for 12 servings of chili is a better deal than the .99 double cheeseburger. It took my mother 2 years to come to terms with the diabeties, and not being able to eat the way she was. Will it take that kind of diagnosis for me to come to terms with the fact that I can’t keep doing this to myself. 7.95 neverending pasta bowl at Olive Garden is Never, Ever, Ever going to be a good idea, health-wise. Why do I automatically think- oooh, I could have 2 big plates of fettucine alfredo & breadsticks out the wazoo.
Lethargy: My body at rest tends to stay at rest. My body, in motion, is a sight to behold. Fat with a mind of its own, jiggling to it’s own beat, not necessarily the same tempo at which the rest of the body is moving. When I have my act in gear, and I am exercising daily, I feel good. I feel alive. When I take a break for a day or two, it ends up being a week. And then getting things started again is like starting back at the beginning. Left to my own devices, I’d probably sit like a lump. And have my butt expand to fit wherever I am sitting like a lump.
I know this isn’t the most positive I’ve been, but you know when you just have one of those days, and it seems to turn into “one of those weeks” and the next thing you know, a month has gone by, and you’re staring at the same obstacles as you were before, only now you’re further behind than before? That’s the way I’m feeling…like at this point, since nothing seems to be changing, is it really worth it. And I know it IS worth it, and I know I need to change my thinking, but is that really going to happen? I’m good at being the one in control of things, but then I get into these periods where I am tired of being the one in charge at work, and being the one in charge at home, and being the one that always has her crap together, and occasionally, I just don’t want to have to think, or be the one in charge. And when I give up that control over me, and my own actions, this is what happens. As long as I’m frustrated at having to run everyone else’s life, I fear that I’m going to have this inner rebellion & my “lack of control” is going to manifest itself with me suggesting Olive Garden and other garbage.
Where do I send the check for 125.00 for this hours’ therapy?
Love you gals….nowhere else in the world can I get this poison out of my system with those who know this feeling, have been there, and identify with some of the things I’m saying. And, well, you’re kinda stuck with me.