I've been a lurker in the forums for several months, debating on whether or not post anything again... I posted a long time ago, but like a bad habit, I dropped off the forums as well...
Up and til now I've always had someone to talk to... course now she thinks I'm a big dork. It's hard to explain what yer thinking in your head and having others understand. Needless to say, I've lost my rock, my friend, who I could talk to. I still don't know why, but I am sure it is for the best. Maybe she got tired of hearing my depressing stories. It's stress I tell ya.
How do you explain to someone that someone that you care if others die, but you don't care if you die. It's hard. I know it's not the way to feel, but it's what I feel. The only motivation I have right now is the drive to finish school. I'm good at school. I know I can do it. I know I can't fail. That is until recently. I had a major exam for a natural disasters class on tuesday and I disappeared from the earth for about a week. I took that test... I honestly think I failed. I know I did not do any good on it. So now where's my motivation? If that's all I have the motivation for, then I am in trouble... anyways... as far as dieting, I have the motivation of an ant. My Friend is the one that got me motivated back in Christmas to start exercising, then I got sick *go figure* . Now I've lost that motivation. Although I'm over my respiratory infection, I promised her I would get back to exercising.
I recently saw a doctor who said a few degrading things. That didn't help my already low self esteem. However, she did mention one thing that I do know. I am over wieght. Severely. I hadn't been able to weigh myself for hmmm, I would say at least a year and half maybe. The last time I weighed myself I was about 365lbs give or take. I had a membership to 24 hours fitness with my sister. I had the membership for close to 6 months, but I just wasn't seeing the weight loss. If anything, I was gaining weight. But, when I weighed myself at the doctors appointment about 2 weeks ago, I was at my all time high... 373lbs.
I know I'm over weight. I want to loose weight. I'm afraid of failing. I have this constant voice in my head that belongs to my mother... "You embarass your man. You never going to be any good to him being so big. You can't do anything right." That's my mom, I love her to death
People can be cruel... depressiong is crueler. How do you get over the depression? I don't want to be on drugs. I can't stand taking an aspirin even. Can someone hypnotize me? I wish I had my motivating rock back.
What do you folks do to deal with your depression... I find myself going in and out of this roller coaster. More so now than ever. School is getting tougher and the stress is piling on. I have to complete school... it's my only motivation I seem to have, if I don't, then I've truly failed in everything.
Sue...