Ok, back on the band wagon. Trying to complete the Whole30 thing, starting today. Only exceptions are slimfast with almond milk (20 carbs total) and my rockstar in the am. Need....energy....lol. So hopefully this will help me out of my slump.

Oh ladees, I come here out of habit, but I'm feeling so lost.... Yesterday was, quite unexpectedly, my D, DB's last day to walk the earth. I had just spoken to him the night before; he was looking forward to the holidays and full of plans for the future. Memories and regrets are racing around inside my head. It's all so difficult to grasp and find perspective. And my own daily grind has not stopped whittling away the hours of my life just yet. I have to go to work and be professional during the silliest of meetings on schedule for today and show no tears or weakness, else I will be cut down and judged.....Somehow through all this, I hope to truly know the meaning of life and learn what is the right and appropriate thing to do...

SMF Praying for you and your family today. So sorry for your loss here at the holidays. I feel your pain as I went through that 15 yrs ago with my 2nd DH. He had planned and bought all the food he wanted me to cook for Thanksgiving and Christmas that year. On the Monday night before Thanksgiving, he complained about being so tired (so not him). I told him that he didn't have to do anything so just sit down and take a nap. DD and I were on the phone planning the food for TDay. I hung up the phone and looked over and he was gone. He had gone to sleep in his chair and never woke up. He was the love of my life and we had been married almost 31 yrs, but known each other since our teens. I will be praying for you.

P.Q. So glad to hear your brother is improving. I know how y'all feel about visiting him with the vent. I sat for 24 hrs one time when DH#2 was on one and coming out from under the meds. I actually had to sit and hold his hands down to keep him from yanking it out. I was so relieved when they finally removed it.

Jacqui Your cat is beautiful. I love a black cat. Never thought of them as bad luck. LOL I'm not much of a superstitious person any way. Although I never had much luck my 2 black cats. My 1st one was when 1st DH was living. My baby sister came to visit us and while she was there I started missing my cat. She was about 9 or 10 at the time. I asked if anyone had seen my cat and she said, "I gave it away". Years later I went with a SIL to get her a cat from someone giving them away and I saw this beautiful black baby kitten and brought her home. I had been given a beautiful Cocker Spaniel puppy for Christmas. He thought she was his. He was the only dog she knew. One day she got out and the big German Shepherd from across the street killed her. She didn't know to be afraid of him. I decided then not to have any more cats.

We used to go all out decorating for Christmas. DH#2 decorated outside. Present hubby doesn't do outside but when we married we went all out on the inside, but that was when his kids were around. Since it is just the 2 of us now, we have a little tree we bring out and enjoy. I guess if there were kids around we would do more.

Mars Hope you are having a good day.

I've decided I need more structure and I need to know what I'm doing so I went on MFP. I sure didn't like logging my weight as I have gained since I used it last. I made my percentages on there to include the approximate 90 grams of carbs doctor suggested which was 25%. I guess I'm ending up with a HFLC plan after all because looking at the amounts of grams for protein was way more so I made it 25% leaving 50% for fat. Sat my calories at 1500. I just had to do this because my blood glucose was going up and so was my weight and even my BP was going up. So I need to see what I'm doing # wise.

This also helps me get my exercise in. I like seeing it written down and knowing I'm doing it. I get up and get my 20 minutes on the recumbent bike 1st thing before breakfast.

Carol Sue I noticed you said you don't get 30 grams of protein at breakfast. Neither do I. Plus I think the added protein not only raised my blood sugar, but I think it caused me to gain weight as well. So I'm not shooting for 30 grams a meal. I've also been having some problems with my joints and I went online and read about foods that raise inflammation and foods that help balance it. Seems that too much protein can cause inflammation. I also need to get back to eating greens and colorful veggies.

I too made cookies Saturday and Sunday. I did eat some of them and it helps keep me from pigging out on them yesterday since I had to track them. Should have been tracking them on Saturday and Sunday, but then maybe that was the deciding factor for me to go back to MFP.

SMF, I'm so sorry for your loss and praying for you and your family. May he rest in peace. It sounds as though he did not suffer.

Trish, I think adding all the vegetables to my diet cured me of craving sweets. That's the only thing that's changed. I was actually craving carrots the other day. LOL

Jacqui, we always had dogs, but never cats as I am allergic. When my step-daughter got married she was disappointed that they were not allowed to have a dog where she lived, but they were allowed cats, so we got her a black kitten. They named him Smokey, as her husband is the fire chief. He passed away a couple years ago, and now she adopted 2 kittens that were dumped in their trailer park. They are mostly black with a spot of white. Cute, but I can't get too close to them or I get all congested. Darn allergies.

Tehshort1, welcome back! I'm going to research Whole30 so I understand what you're talking about. Different things work for different people. I hope you have found your nitch.

EDIT: I just checked this website http://whole30.org/ and the pictures of the food there look delicious! I'll have to look into this further.

I haven't had a bro update since Saturday, because things went downhill overnight/Sunday morning. He had cardiac arrest and the paddles used due to a lung collapse smothering heart.....abscess was not repaired well enough for valve to take and it was leaking. Six-hour surgery (1-7pm sunday) with very poor prognosis. He made it through surgery and doc didn't think he'd come out of it/wake up from induced coma.

Well guess what? Heart was strong enough for pump to be removed today, he was able to wake up, and was following simple commands. The nurse said it was "like a miracle after what he went through this weekend."

He's not out of the woods, but he continues to amaze me by defying the doctors two times now. Previous to getting sick, he had the body of a much younger man and is sooooo stubborn. I appreciate it now

Cheers all!

I am so sorry to hear this SMF. I have been on the verge too many times lately and cannot imagine what it is like. But you are in my thoughts....you must take care of yourself. I am also sorry that you must go to work. I wish you could have taken at least a day to grieve. Sometimes I forget how blessed I am to work with such wonderful people that would never in a million years expect someone to come in after that type of loss.

Try not to think about regrets, just remember the good times you had together. Sending peaceful thoughts to you and the family.

SeeMyFeet, oh my gosh, I am just so sorry. I lost my DB in September and I know how devastated you feel right now. Just thinking about it makes me cry. I wish I could take away your pain. I'm so glad you got to talk to him the night before. It's a small blessing but a blessing nonetheless. I know he knew how much you loved him. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

PrairieQueen, I'm sorry, I didn't even see your post earlier! How awful for all your brother went through this weekend, but thank goodness he came through it! I will continue to pray for him!

PQ, I think it is because your brother is young and was healthy before this all started that he is coming back so well from setbacks. I am still praying for him that his body can fight this.

Mars, I checked my pantry and the little tin I thought was capers is actually anchovies. I found these 2 recipes that don't call for either capers or anchovies so I am going to go according to them, and might add 1 little anchovie chopped up. I'm out of garlic so will have to wait until I get some. I have also seen recipes that mix different types of olives so I might add some green olives in with the kalamato. I normally don't like salty things, so I hope this isn't too salty for my taste. There's only one way to find out.

http://www.mylifeasamrs.com/2011/07/...-tapenade.html

http://www.food.com/recipe/black-olive-tapenade-223703

Yesterday's menu....

Break - McD's sausage burrito w/hot sauce, ice tea w/stevia
Snack - one white chocolate-covered pretzel
Lunch - Amy's bean/cheese burrito
Snack - Skinny popcorn
Dinner - grilled wings, lite beers

Overall, it was a pretty salty day, and did I get my own back on the scale this morning. I totally forgot to drink my evening water while we were doing some Christmas decorating.

SeeMyFeet and PrairieQueen, you and yours are in my thoughts and prayers! I hope you can find some peace and joy this Holiday Season, despite all that has happened. I know each of your brothers would want that for you. PrairieQueen, I hope your brother continues to amaze his doctors and nurses!

Tehshort, happy to see you back and on plan!

Carol Sue, I'm so glad you didn't burn your hand! Again, your DH sounds like mine, haha! My DH definitely would have invoked the 5-second rule with freshly baked cookies, lol! And oh, your cookies sound delicious! I wish I had your lack of cravings for sweets! We have all kinds of Christmas candy set out around the house and it's a constant mental-emotional battle for me, especially since I'm no longer losing! That little devil keeps popping up saying, "Go ahead, it's the holidays!" and "You gained a lb or half lb anyway while being good, so might as well!" Ugh! It torturous, but so far I have been able to make myself stay focused on the FACT that despite the holidays and daily fluctuating water weight (that is too often not in my favor recently), IF I give in, I WILL give in again and again until I'm no longer trying to keep my weight down. I've been through this too many times! I know I am an "all-or-nothing" person AND I am cognizant that I have now reached the same time frame (7th month) when I made this mistake last time! Therefore, I have to keep reminding myself that I am so lucky to have a Carb Day when I can eat sweets ON PLAN. I have to keep knocking that devil off my shoulder!

Mars, is it the 23rd yet? C'mon sun! I need you!

Trish, thanks! Barnabas is becoming more comfortable with his new home each day! He's starting to do that playful kitty thing of racing through the house and trying to climb/jump as high as he can, lol! I have my fingers crossed that the Christmas trees don't occur to him as something to climb! I've already had to rearrange some breakables on bookshelves, side tables, and fireplace mantles, lol!

I don't know why my number was up yesterday, but I expected it to be up even higher today because we ate dinner out last night at a buffet. I ate too much, and I figure it probably had more salt that I normally consume. I was pleasantly surprised that my number was down from yesterday!

Week 29: High 171, Low 170
11/29--171
11/30--170.5
12/1--170
12/2--170
12/3--170
12/4--DNW
12/5--170.5 Carb Day

Week 30: High 173, Low 169
12/6--173
12/7--172.5
12/8--171
12/9--170.5
12/10--169
12/11--170
12/12--170.5 Carb Day

Week 31:
12/13--172
12/14--170.5
12/15--171 (Really, scale? )
12/16--170.5
12/17--
12/18--
12/19--

Today's Meals:
Breakfast:
2 fried eggs
2 slices of bacon
Fage Greek yogurt with Mio
Mio water

Lunch
Protein Bar
Diet Dr. Pepper

Tea Time

Dinner:
Tyson chicken tenders
Pumpkin seeds
Mio water

Today's Exercise:

I got on the scale today and I am still 199, by some miracle. In fact, I might be 198 because I weighed after breakfast and coffee, and after my shower. I always think that I weigh more after my shower because the water soaks into my dry skin. Is that possible? I'm counting on it. LOL

Jacqui, I will tell you the same thing I tell everyone and you can do what you want with the information. I started eating tons of vegetables....sauteed cabbage with onions, kale or collard greens sauteed with onion and mushrooms, cooked broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, brussels sprouts, and roasted vegetables, including some I had never tried before, like frozen artichoke hearts, cubed parsnips, turnips, anything I saw in the produce aisle that I had never had before. I was still eating my regular diet including sweets and snacks. After a couple months, I started to notice that not only did I not crave sweets, but when I did eat them, they tasted so excessively sweet that I couldn't stand them. I still eat a lot of veggies but not as much as I was, but I still don't have much interest in sweets. Dr Joel Fuhrman says that when your body is getting the nutrients it needs, it no longer craves sweets. I also quit getting a lot of the body aches and pains I had before, or they aren't as bad.

Joel Fuhrman said the key to weight loss is beans, greens and onions. And for cancer protection we should eat a diet of GOMBS. (greens, onions, mushrooms, beans and berries, and seeds.

I have had a cookie or two while I baked. DH definitely followed the 5 second rule, but I didn't put any of the cookies that went on the floor into my cookies for Christmas. We have a dog, and even though he is not a shedding type of dog, I don't want anyone saying they got a dog hair in their cookie. DH just brushes them off. LOL

My biggest temptation is chocolate. Plain chocolate with nothing else, like Hershey's Kisses. I can buy a 16oz bag of them and have them gone in 1 day, so I don't buy them. My grandson loves them too and I used to buy them to have on hand when he comes, but I found that I would get into them and have most of them gone before he got here. One time I even had DH hide them for me, but then I threatened him and made him get them back out for me. LOL So now I just don't buy them anymore. Just talking about them I want to go buy some. I also want to buy some of that old fashioned hard candy assortment that I remember from my childhood. DH said his mother always had that at Christmas and no one ate it, but it means Christmas to me. I might get a small bag of it closer to Christmas.

Just keep those tree lights on for now Jacqui!

Trish How's it going?

SMF I'm still thinking about you and yours in this difficult time....virtual hugs and take care of yourself.

More good bro news....today the doctor himself said that my bro's continued improvement is a miracle. He can't explain how he has come through it all. Chest tubes out today because there was more improvement. They were also talking about "test/trial" to see if his ventilator can come out .