shcirerf Yeah, I'm there. This past winter has kicked the s*^t out of me and I'm so exhausted that planning meals or even just producing a simple dinner seems overwhelming these days. Spring IS coming. I can now hear birds singing at about 5:45 every morning and most of the two feet of dirty snow on my front and back lawns has melted.

We all have to hang on just that little bit longer.

Dagmar (dreaming of )

Checking in briefly.

Just when I find a little balance in my life, and spend a rainy day watching obscure little documentaries in the Village, or see a Caryl Churchill play at the Minetta Lane Theater ... just when I sign up for and attend two sessions of running coaching with some nice women trying to get back into the swing of things after a hard winter ... and I start thinking about breathing, listening to my body, being kinder to myself ...

WHAM! I get a day of five to six meetings, a laptop migration, having to screen resumes and hire, and two collaborative projects with other depts where the other dept expects me to turn around my piece overnight.

Feels like any attempt on my part to ease up a little results directly in punishment.

I'm just living with the 150s and think it's a triumph that I'm not bingeing. The weight training is also having an effect. Some of my shirts are now tight in the shoulders, a place where I've never experienced tightness in a shirt before. In the past, if my shirts didn't fit, it was because of the perennial bustline gape, or stretching at the bottommost button across the hips, which at least my pants hid if I tucked the shirt inside. Now it's the shoulders or the upper arms. I think I'm also experiencing this because shirts have tighter sleeves & higher armholes & are cut closer to the body -- we're long past the "oversized" or "boxy" look for shirts that I've previously lived through. This silhouette is made for women with undersized or slender upper bodies, not women who are doing upper body days at the gym consistently.

Anyway, feeling like I'm swimming hard against forces beyond me that want to push me in another direction, and barely keeping my head up.

Weight is a concern, but the least of my concerns, or just a metaphor for my concerns.

Today is also an Aaargh Day here.

I saw a Caryl Churchill play years ago, in a v rural location, when I was doing fieldwork. Trying to remember the name of it. I put it in the report, I think, so I should look it up. What did you see, saef?

OK, off across a rainy car park to a meeting in a cold and shabby front room. I'm taking a blanket and a cough sweet.

Andrea - I need to find one thing to focus on right now, I think that would help. Pick one, then add one, etc.

shcirerf - I hate it when a new hire comes in and turns out to be a letdown. Hope it gets better.

Saef - I pretty much always feel like any attempt to relax and balance results in a slap to the face from another part of my life. I hope that today gets better for you.

I'm up and awake and moving today. DH is off work, has been all week, and is in vacation mode. I've been working, so am not in that same place. I'm determined to exercise tonight and not let a long work day and the vacation mood in the home throw me astray. I'm so ready for spring - must clean up my garden area this weekend so I am ready to plant when I'm able. My yard is a fountain of dandelion, crabgrass and other winter weeds - hopefully the weed treatment DH applied yesterday will help so I can start to pull some of those out. Maybe sunshine will help my mood.

Shannon,
Do you have any idea WHY you've been struggling? Something in your personal life? I'm just wondering if you can pinpoint anything. Hugs to you regardless.

And to you too Andrea. I was so hoping you'd have a better weigh in. I'm really surprised. I hope the next one is much better!!

You know, I was having those same struggles from August through December. January was better and I managed to lose 10 pounds. February and March weren't as bad, but I did gain back 2 of those pounds. While I'm not feeling as though I'm struggling now (at least not as bad as I was) there are days when I just cave. Today seems to be one of those days. However I have a nice dinner planned (small pork chops and fresh artichokes) and lunches are always OP so hopefully the start of my day won't ruin the whole day.

I've been taking Bogey on a short walk each afternoon and today I'm planning a longer one to the dog park since my assistant is in the office today and I feel I can get away for a longer time. While I don't really count this as exercise, it is moving and it should help.

saef, the play was called Fen (1983). I was doing a study of rural childcare and one of the fieldwork areas was the Fens in the east of England. It's an agricultural area and workers have always been poor and exploited. Some of the people I interviewed took me to it. Haunting poverty.

Since I last posted here, saying it was an Aaargh Day or something similar, I've had an increasingly torrid time. One very bad miscarriage in the family, one death I hadn't heard about but knew was coming with funeral tomorrow morning, and one major switch of language (from English to Welsh) by a long-time neighbour which is OK but which requires a fair amount of recalibration by me. Two longish phone calls with my mother. One meal to make and eat. One Italian lesson. And, no doubt, a few other things.

I do best when there is a lot of space between things. There has not been a lot of space, it's all felt rather crowded. And, I suppose, that's why I've eaten a small packet of crackers with butter and a bowl of muesli.

I did very well with my 'no butter and peanut butter' streak. I got a bit embarrassed with how well I was doing and how boring it was to post it every day. Well, blow that. I think I'm going to have to start it again.

Off to look for something to wear tomorrow. Funerals are formal and sombre here. I don't know whether I've got anything suitable and clean.

That is a whole lot of "things" with no space in between - I entirely understand what you are saying. When I lose the small gaps in my day that allow me to reset and prepare for the next event, my anxiety noticeably rises. I hope that things improve for you.

I use this approach a lot, usually in coping with failures at work. If I have done one thing successfully, even something very minor like bathing the cat, I try to harness that momentum in my work day to face the problems that I must force myself to address. Sometimes it helps, sometimes not.

ETA: I didn't mean to suggest that bathing a cat is a minor task - at least not our cat. There is much drama and usually some bloodletting (mine).

Just curious JayZee why do you bathe your cat? Ours are 17 and 16 years old and have never been bathed. They get brushed 3-4 times a week and I occasionally wipe food/kitty litter/ eye gunk off their faces and they are fine.

Dagmar

My daughter bathes her cats. One of them, for whatever reason, she says gets really smelly and she has to bathe her. The other one simply likes the water.

I've never attempted to bathe my cats. I'm terrified of trying!

Birchie, of Caryl Churchill's work, I recommend "Top Girls," "Far Away" and now the one I saw this past Saturday, "Love & Information," a series of 57 or so tiny playlets, formatted for the attention deficit, multiple windows open, channel-changing, multitasking era. Since I work in technology, works like this and the recent film "Her" by Spike Jonze are intriguing to me on an additional level.

Okay, I'm off now. Sworn to go to bed at an earlier time, because I think it makes me saner and stronger.

I've always given my cats periodic baths-- once every few months. I tend to get tons of hair off of them and we all have bad allergies so I think it helps. They protest but not too strongly.

My principal just walked into the library.

This is the only cat I've ever bathed, of the many that I've owned. She is an obese older tortie - she was morbidly obese when we got her 2 years ago, but is now another weight loss success story! (she had no choice in the matter, we put her on prescription diet food) Anyway, she has a seborrheic skin condition that is worsened by allergies. Her skin folds (left over from the rapid weight loss) in particular get stinky and itchy, and then she sucks on them all night and drives us crazy. Yes, she is a beautiful creature all around!

I've never bathed my cat, but with my allergies and DH's asthma it might not be a bad idea.

Birchie - to you, that is a lot all at once to deal with.

Michele - I can't put a finger on one clear cause. We had DSS's joint birthday party in March, and as some of you might remember from prior years that is always a stressor. DH has had a recurring back problem for a long time that has been flaring up quite randomly in recent months. I haven't done any yoga in ages, or run as much as I'd like. My knees have been hurting and I've felt old and kind of broken. Worried about DSS and his rising anxiety and bedwetting at his age. Just got elected PTA co-president for next year and am afraid I won't be able to live up to it. Slowly implementing some pretty big changes in our homelife where DH is concerned. Health care renewal at work. Etc. Etc. Lots of things all swinging in at one time, and when I lost control of my base it just continued to spiral under the rest. I had lost down to 136 in November, now I'm back up at 149. Instead of motivating me to change, that is just adding to the 'one more thing' cycle. The stress of everything I guess. The idea that I have to be perfect, and if I can't be perfect with whatever, why do it at all. Like my diet. If I'm not on point, why try to control it at all? I think spring and summer will help. I was seriously considering a light lamp there in January, and may look at one for next year.

They are working on a nice track by the creek across the street from my office. I'm hoping that when it gets finished I can walk a little at lunch every day, or maybe run if I get back up to it.That should help, too.

JayZeeJay, I'm so pleased that you understand. I know that some people are able to keep on going, doing different things, at speed. Not me, not at all. I need that space, those small gaps.

I've been to the funeral but didn't go to the reception afterwards. I've had a fairly easy day since. The SO and I planned tonight's tea last night (not as good as planning a full week's menus but better than nothing) and it's in the oven. Last of yesterday's bolognaise sauce with borlotti beans (soaked last night), tin of tomatoes, two cloves of garlic and a handful of parsley, cooking very slowly for hours. Plus leafy greens of some kind (can't remember what we've got) or broccoli. I'll have a little, the others will have a lot - probably with rice or pasta.

I must rumble the brown bin (garden waste) down to the road for collection tomorrow morning. We compost most garden waste but there's a lot around at the moment and the garden's getting rather full with bits of hedge and tree.