I am seriously in the throws of PMS or battling some serious depression. Part of me just wants to walk away for a couple of days and then come back here with renewed perspective. But a bigger part of me needs you.....needs to talk to you, as I know only you will understand.
I am so tired of being fat. I am so tired of being unhealthy and uncomfortable. I am also tired of people telling me how easy it is and that all I have to do is get up off my fat a$$ and do it. If it's that easy, I don't think I would still be overweight. I don't know what magic pill people swallow that they finally hear this little "click" in their head and there's no looking back. I'm so tired of looking and hearing about all these success stories. I want to
be one of these success stories. But how much do I want it? Apparently not enough. Apparently, I just don't care how big I get. Apparently, I can do well for a week or so and then I just don't care anymore. I'm so tired of not being able to stick with something.
I came home today to take a nap, hoping that it would refresh me so I could stay up a little later to be with dh. I fell asleep long enough to dream. I dreamed I was walking, painfully slow through a cemetery.....The air around me was all misty and full of fog. I was wearing this long flowing white dress, that to me..almost looked like a tent. I almost didn't look like myself because I had gained so much weight. I'm clammering through the graves, seemingly searching for something and then I hear it. Crying.....the soulful sound of someone aching, crying for their loved one. As I get closer, I realize it's my sweet dh and both my boys. I called out to them, but they couldn't hear me. I kept hearing them say, "Why? Why, Mom, why?" Why, Tina...why?" As I got closer, they were staring at a headstone. MINE. Under my name, there were no dates, just a phrase. It said, "She loved eating more than life........literally."
I woke up and tears were running down my face as they are now. I'm sorry guys. I am no help to you in this condition and I'm going to take a couple of days away. I'm not leaving for good. I could never leave you and I'm still meeting up with Michelle, Kat and anyone else who wants. I'm just not capable of offering any inspiration right now and I'm sure your tired of hearing my babbling....so I'm going to take a little break.
Please know I love you all....you are the best.