Quote:
Originally Posted by ckmainprize
You all are so wonderful!
I am looking into the Beck Diet Solution. I think I will try this out on my own, for a bit and see how it goes.
I believe that the whole neighbour thing did not help one bit. I think that kind of triggered this really negative spell I am going through. Because up until that point I would look at myself and be super happy with what I saw, and I was not really worried about my tummy or anything because I just kept thinking that everything was awesome, and it will all go away in time.
But when he said those negative things, it kind of just hit me in the face that if he thinks I am still huge, then other people must think that to, which means I am probably crazy and I am giving myself to much credit. And the it just spiraled out of control.
All my life I have always been big, so I am pretty sure it is just the mind set of I can never see myself being smaller. I can not even remember the last time or if I have ever seen a 1 in the begining of my weight...and frankly I think it scares the h*ll out of me. Because I have no clue what to expect. My body is changing I am so happy about it and it boggles my mind frankly, everything is just happen so quick. But I am so happy to be doing this journey, and I am extremely grateful, I am apart of this community, because I have never felt so much support as I do now.
Thank you!
Hello fellow tall and beautiful lady. I understand what you are going though with seeing yourself in such a negative light. I was 135-155 lbs my entire life until I had my son and gained an embarrassing amount of weigh while on a long bedrest. I don't know to this day if it was the pregnancy hormones, the issues I had during my pregnancy, or the fact that I was not running around the way I did before the bedrest but toward the end I was gaining 6-10lbs a week and I heard its water weight, its water weight, but after having my son I only lost 35 -lbs of water weight and I was almost 80lbs heavier than when I became pregnant. And I remember feeling so judged after I had my son and I waddled around with so much extra weight. I looked in the mirror and saw a failure. A blob. And I packed away all my cute little bikinis and nicely tailored designer clothes knowing I would never look that good again. I kept my body looking good until age 30 with diet and exercise and now I had to lose this huge amount of weight. I NEVER LOOKED IN THE MIRROR at my body when I was losing the first 40lbs. I only looked at my face to put on make up and even that crushed me inside. I didn't see a pretty woman anymore, I just saw " a fat lady". I was too disgusted by myself and people picked up on this and they will exploit it if you let them.
I lost the 40lbs and my weight stalled. I got naked and looked at myself again. Like you I saw the same "monster" the same failure. In my mind was just a smaller version of the same lumpy mess. I cried and felt bad for myself. People at my old job who I thought were my friends, people who apparently are superficial vain people, made horrible comments and gossiped behind my back. They thoroughly enjoyed my pain. Women seem to love a thin woman getting fat and wheezy. (I carried in a crock pot into a pot luck we were having along with bag of groceries with cups, napkins and the like and these two tiny chicks I worked with asked "Is that your lunch?" and everyone laughed at me. I told them all they were ****-heads and acted like I had brushed it off and didn't care but it tore me up inside.) I had a long talk with my husband and also with myself. My great hubby told me I am beautiful to him at any weight and he just wanted me to be happy more that he wanted me to be thin. So I kicked the scale to the corner and started weight lifting again which I LOVE, hiking, and doing pilates. I switched to a vegetarian organic diet and focused on eating healthy and not eating any processed junk. I started taking good vitamins regularly and read books that improved my self esteem. (I love the old Susan Powter books. Such a spunky woman with a great weight loss story.) I lost only 5 more lbs over the last few years but lost 2 sizes and went from a 16 to a 12. (I started at an 18.) Even though I still need to lose at least 20 more lbs per my doctor my self esteem improved to better than when I was thin because I have better cardio endurance than my husband who is 170lbs and 6 feet tall and runs. I can run a 7 minute mile, I can do curls with 20lb dumbells, I have a strong back and knees and haven't seen my orthopedic MD again in 2 years since I injured my knee, and have not seen my chiropractor since 3 months after I started pilates 3-4x week. My BP runs 110s/50s and my cholesterol and labs are great. I see my curvy, plentiful self and see a sexy accomplished woman who takes care of herself and feels good. Cellulite and all. I may have a big butt, boobs, and a thicker waist and thighs than I used to, but at least I'm toned and healthy
I love myself now more than I ever did when I was thin. I enjoy feeling healthy and my self esteem comes from somewhere deep inside now. Not from maintaining a bikini bod.
I've seen people quote the "Pro-Ana"/"Thinspiration" quote on this IP forum;
"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels". And I'm not knocking them. But you know what mantra I like better: "No amount of comfort food, cable TV couch-loafing, or even weight loss feels as good as Healthy feels!"
FOCUS ON FEELING HEALTHY! 20LBS overweight and healthy feels better than 5lbs underweight, slow, flabby, and tired. Even if you never lose another pound your are a beautiful, worthwhile, tender hearted person. Cherish yourself and next time he says something, tell your neighbor to "Stick his comments straight up his *** or you'll use your foot to do it for him!" and then walk away and ignore him from then on if he doesn't apologize and get his attitude in order. Tell anyone else who cuts you down the same. You don't deserve to be talked to that way at any weight, certainly not after losing so much weight and being so disciplined! I think if your get your self esteem repaired with a counselor and adhere to a healthy diet and exercise program you are going to see the scale moving in the right direction.
You always have support here!