I was sitting here today, thinking about how no one talks to me, returns my texts, cares what I have to say (no, really, 90% of the time people just talk over me in conversation), no one really gives a damn about anything. I try to be more interesting. I try to talk faster so I can get my piece in without being talked over; I try to make my voice sound more feminine. ****, I even just STOP talking and let everyone else talk. No one cares what I have to say about anything, ever. You can see it in their face. And then I realised part of the reason they don't care is I never HAVE anything worth listening to to say. I'm depressed, I'm a recluse, so that lame story I told you about a bird outside that made me smile WAS my highlight of the day. I tend to have nothing of worth to say, just random happenings from my day that made it a little less terrible.
When I was in school, I was "friends" with a girl who was really mean to people, in a sarcastic way. Everyone LOVED her. I don't know why. I was sarcastic, too; but I was constantly told how "that's really mean" or "I can't believe you said that," well why not? If SHE said it, you wouldn't bat an eye. Why am I any different? What's wrong with me? What makes ME so horrible? You were all thinking whatever I said, I just had the guts to say it. Now, if Wonder Girl had said it, it would be fine. But now I'm just going to stop talking, since no one likes what I have to say. Oh, and now I'm a ***** because I don't talk to anyone.
Why do I bother?
When I get like this all I can think about is punishing myself, one way or another. I won't go into details but this is when I generally tell myself I'm just not going to eat anymore. I always cave, but I'm tired of this cycle. I don't want to lose my boyfriend when he finds out how batshit insane I am. He's the first person I've ever loved, and he makes me feel loved. So I feel incredibly selfish for even thinking these things. I need to put forth a real effort to lose weight instead of constantly berating myself, comparing myself to others, and concentrating on how shitty people treat me. I just don't know how.