Hope it's ok to ask this kind of question here!!! I certainly do not want to offend anyone's sensibilities! Wasn't sure exactly where to ask this because it isn't really anything to do with weight loss, but in a way kind of, but not completely...

Little background:
DH and I have been together for nearly 9 years (2003), married 6 (2006); I was 20 when we met, 21 when we started dating, he was 33 (to make the math easy I'm now 29 and he's 41). I didn't think I was a baby then but I was! We had DD in May 2009, and DS was born the very end of 2011 (both planned) and are now (permanently) done having kids. I was on the pill all throughout our relationship which didn't effect my sex drive for the first couple years, but did at some point (not sure when because it was gradual over a few pill switches). Sex life kind of dwindled, has ebbed and flowed throughout the years (fairly normal I guess), and as I gained weight the sex drive plummeted even lower. After DS was born we decided that I wouldn't be on the pill anymore and he would get a vasectomy. It's been AWESOME not being on the pill in combination with losing weight because my sex drive has come back completely, maybe even more (they say the 30s rock for that right? And I'm almost 30!).

Anyway, so all that said, while things are definitely way better than they have been in years, in a way I feel like we've started over (I think that's a good thing actually). Sometimes I feel like I have completely lost the spark of things; originality, experimentation, confidence, etc. etc.

I'd love any advice and/or commiseration from all of you who are willing (men or women, actually a man's POV might be interesting). I'd be especially grateful to those of you who have been in long term relationships that have a strong sex life!

Wow, over 80 views and NOTHIN? Sheesh, help me out here people!

Lol I wish I had the answer! We have never been frequent, but always pretty rock star. I attribute that to being totally open about what you both want, what you might like to try, taking (healthy) risks, etc.

I thought there wasn't much new that we could get into after 9 years together, lol, but since losing weight and feeling sexy again, we've come up with a few things. maybe you could try different parts of the house, role playing, new lingerie if you like that, etc. there is truly an endless array of things to try in the bedroom realm!!

Talk about it. And talk some more. And talk afterward. Have fun!

I wish I could help ya out but I've only been with my guy since October, though we were together for 4 years once from 2003 to 2007. Sex life did slow down some but not completely which is normal, I think. We would have been together for 9 years if we did not break up. I notice our relationship is a lot better now that we are more mature and sex life is definitely better. It has been really nice to start over with him. I second Chickiechicks' suggestions.

I guess I don't understand the need for "new". I mean... after awhile, nothing is new even if you are creative. And if it's good and you both enjoy, then just enjoy...

I guess if you want more romance, plan more dates with the entire evening a part of the foreplay. Or if it's spontaneity you are looking for, just jump in the closet or something.

But just enjoy the moment. I find that hot passion comes and goes in a healthy relationship. Doesn't mean that anything is wrong during the lulls, but passion is a strong emotion and one we can't 'keep' on fire all the time, so enjoy it while it lasts, but don't fret if things sizzle for awhile either - it's normal.

Hey Kid...it's not that we aren't willing to participate in your thread but seriously...

other than the "norms"...

not much I can add unless you're willing to get arrested!

You will always have those moments of extra special

But as you get older there is going to be a lot of "repeat" performances...

and a lot less encores!

Keep trying though!

That's where the fun is

Thanks for the replies. Guess I was hoping for some insight on keeping up a decent sex life after having kids and being together for years.

I appreciate it. Thanks.

I'm sorry I can't help and honestly I am reading because I wanted someone else to help you, too. Because then it might help me. I have been with my hubby for 13 years. I lost all will to do that like 3 yrs ago. I don't know if its the pill or what. We don't have kids. I just don't ever want to do that ever again. And it's a strain on my marriage, because of course my husband thinks I don't want or love him anymore. I wish I had an answer for you, but just know you aren't the only one. At least you still want to give it a shot!

Well im no expert in having a long time sex life, i can certainly say that when things have dwindled..i have tried a few things such as...toys...games...of the mature nature..we have gone on dates that are extrordinarily different then are average dinner and a movie..Its like you said..there is an ebb and flow...and sometimes you are just there and in it and other times your not..which is why romance is not solely based on sex..

Now...given all that.. i do know that its been said there are a few pills on the market, if you are in need of a little help with the libido..That might be a thought? There are lots of natural things out there and if that fails..well you can always fall back on good ol aphrodisiacs like...oysters..chocolate and strawberries and the like...just a thought Oh and one other thought..maybe a sex book? Not one too look at together in terms of mature pictures, but one in terms of igniting that flame...different romantic ideas...

You're not getting much advice because it sounds as though your sex life is pretty normal. Lots of married people with kids have almost no sex at all so you're ahead of the game. The spice will come and go...just as long as it keeps coming back. Your "dirty 30's" are approaching as well.

For me the weightloss definitely helped, I feel WAY more confident and he reacts to that VERY well.

It doesn't sound like anything is bad in your relationship but definitely talk about your needs and desires. That has always helped us out more.

Also, I had heard on the radio a couple years ago about a minister challenging his congregation to a 7 days of sex challenge. I presented the idea to my husband and we tried it. Honestly, it wasn't as easy as you'd think because you are constantly juggling things but it seems good to try to reel yourself back in and have a period of time where you try to make sure you devote time to each other during the week.

Overall, communication is key.

It seems great that you have the drive and sounds like you simply need to rekindle the passion. Maybe all you need to do is remember what really turned you on in the first place ... you said it felt like you were starting over?

I used to have an amazing sex life, with all sorts of `interesting', though perfectly legal (mostly) diversions. Absolutely no regrets and many giggles and groans along the way. For the last (gosh, I just worked it out) fifteen years I have been celibate and I am totally happy with that, as is my partner. Nothing wrong, occasional frisky feelings, just don't wanna anymore.

There is nothing wrong with exploring change, going with what seems natural and right at the time. Take your time to explore, who knows what raunchy adventures will just present themselves and delight you =)

It's hard to guess because I'm not you and I'm not your spouse. And what hijinks my own spouse and I get up to may not be your flavor... and you aren't having sex with me are you?

So I'm gonna start you nice and easy. And suggest you may want to start with something that's more like a "conversation starter couple read" like Zen Sex.

You want to get to know each other again, so I'd start there... Even the most hardcore kinkster respects their partner, so respectful beginnings can't hurt, and gently probing partner with the end questions of each chapter might help.

As for what to ACTUALLY DO?

If you want to get into techniques and whatnot, I'm not sure what ballpark you seek because you don't say "I'm kinda looking for info about... or I'm kinda interested in..."

And again, it isn't me you need to ask. It's your partner you need to ask these things.

You want to talk about what? Sensual sex? Playful sex? Kinky sex? Unusual sex? Dramatic sex? Exotic location sex? Let's pretend sex? Whips and chains? Chocolate and whip cream? Blindfolds and lingerie? Nothing at all but sexy whispers in the ears? Whatever it is that floats your boat, know there is NOTHING new under the sun. So long as you and partner as safe and happy with it, then yippee!

DH and I have been together for nearly 20 years and while there have been phases of more gentle low key sex (ex: while pregnant with high risk pregnancy) versus more energizer bunny periods, it's all been good and passion for each other is still there.

What makes it good all this time? Is that we have a good communication thing. Neither of us is shy or uncomfortable just telling lover "hey, I was thinking... wanna try ________? wink, wink?"

And look around your house with pervert eyes. See what you dream up together.

A.

I vote for date nights, erotica in the form of movies and/or books and very open communication. We have been together for 20 yrs (married, otherwise longer) and it has almost always been good to great!

Good luck!

Angie has always had plenty of candles in our home. Not the store bought ones, we find them nauseating. The kids bought us a soybean one from Minnesota years ago, Margarita. Since then she has purchased a bazillion from PartyLite, we love these.

As we got older the Margarita one was lit in the bedroom on date nights. As years went on more and more candles appeared. My wife has also always had plenty of very good massage oils in different flavors which she loves to use and have used

There were plenty of date nights as we got older that didn't involve whoopee. Plenty of candles and massage oil, several hours of Norah Jones or calming yoga music that she loves.

The TV did come on when TLC's Trading Spaces came on but would go off as soon as the show was over, assuming we were still enjoying each other.

We have been known to take it outside a time or two

For several years we counted the concession stand $$ for the softball league. This was done when the concession stand closed for business and the door was locked until we were finished and then escorted to the safe. There is a rumor that only my wife and I know...I might have taken advantage of her by the soda fountain

Just a rumor....

For several years I would find "nasty" notes that were sneaked into my lunch container. I was told what was going to happen to me and what was expected of me This was quite fun, although sometimes telling a guy too early on what is going to happen is not always a good thing

Good luck in creating more memories