This first week of calorie counting is really kicking my ***. Then again, I went from probably 3K calories per day all the way down to around 1400. Worst part: I set my upper caloric limit at 1,700-- I just haven’t been hitting it for some stupid reason. And yesterday I topped out at 1290, which seemed like a good idea at the time, except now I’d willingly eat the contents of a garbage can if I didn’t think anyone was watching.
I’m so tired of being fat though. Last night I came across an old picture I took at the beginning of one of my many diets. When I first saw it I thought, “wow, I was HUGE in that photo… what the heck did I weigh?!”. So I found the log to go with it (I guess I save these things to torture myself with later on) and discovered I was 215 pounds when the picture was taken. That’s 14 pounds less than I weighed at the beginning of this week!
I’m just sick of spinning my wheels when it comes to this subject. I wish I could take back the countless hours I’ve spent worrying & berating myself & feeling like people are judging me based on physical appearance. I try not to let it stop me from going out there and living a meaningful life… and it hasn’t really, but that doesn’t mean I don’t obsess over it on a daily basis.
But my other options are… what? Starving all the time? Feeling like a miserable out-of-sorts shrew? Or a basket case? Or like I’ll never look in the mirror and like what I see ever again? It’s just so effing hard… I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it.
Sometimes I feel like David taking on Goliath: it just seems impossible.