Quote:
Originally Posted by MariaMaria
That gifts tend to cash, in largeish amounts? Yes.
That anyone's thinking about it as cheap, shallow, ungracious, or paying the cost of the event? No.
Remember that etiquette is local here, and what is correct in your area or subculture might not be correct everywhere else. And maybe consider not judging.
I was shocked the first time I went to a wedding where gifts were expected rather than cash (and I was even more shocked the first time I saw a registry where guests were clearly buying, like, two plates from Crate and Barrel). And I was beyond shocked the first time I went to a wedding where the happy couple expected their guests to buy their own liquor/beer/drinks (no open bar). Right? Wrong? Neither. Just subcultural.
No, is it a Northeastern thing to expect people to cover the cost of a celebratory event they've been invited to, and get upset if the guest doesn't give them enough?
That's what seems cheap, shallow, and ungracious to me. I'm aware that giving large amounts of money as a wedding gift is standard in the Northeast (at least among certain sets), and that's something that I've never felt inclined to pass judgment on. It's the sense of entitlement and the apparent valuing of money over people by those who buy into this practice/mindset (which I tried to find some more information on) that I find unpleasant, and I'm curious as to whether
that's something that's coming out of the Northeast.
Also, I'm aware that etiquette varies by culture and subculture - I've even attended weddings and other special events where the traditions were those of another culture. I've just never attended a ceremony or party commemorating a significant life event where I was expected to pay for the privilege of attending. I apologize if I stepped on your toes, but I don't need a lesson in cultural relativism or tolerance.
I don't think it's inappropriate to form an opinion on the practices of one's own or other cultures, as long as one has some understanding of the underlying social, cultural, and economic mechanisms underlying the practices. Cultural practices may not be right or wrong in any absolute sense, but they often are indicative of broader societal beliefs and values, and reflect or have some effect - large or small, good or bad - on that society. To that extent, I think examining them critically can be a worthwhile pursuit.
I think that many cultural practices can be (relatively) good or bad, depending on their explicit and implicit purposes and the intended and unintended outcomes from performing them. Of course, determining what's good or bad is a personal matter. Still, I don't think that that's any reason to shy away from making value judgements, as long as a person tries to be informed about the practice, tries to be logical in assessing practices, refrains from employing things like double standards, and is open to revising his/her opinion in light of new evidence (which I am).
I accept that there are people out there who think that how much they made off their wedding is more important than having friends and family with them on a special day, or that friends and family should be judged by the monetary value of their gifts. But I reserve the right to disagree with their belief in light of my own philosophy and worldview and to let that difference inform my understanding of those people (specifically, their motivations and values), unless/until something comes along that makes me revise that judgement.