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Old 08-19-2011, 11:05 PM   #16  
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By the way, even more important than what ever gift you may choose is whether a thank you note is sent in return. I see more people lacking in gratitude these days. I hope whatever your gift is that you receive a nice thank you note for your generosity.
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Old 08-19-2011, 11:06 PM   #17  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mandalinn82 View Post
The answer is, "what you can comfortably afford".
This. If you feel comfortable giving $85, go ahead. If you don't, give what you feel comfortable with, and if the bride gets in a snit because it wasn't "enough," let her deal with it - it's not really your problem, and it's not like you're very close to them, anyway.


This was an eye-opening thread for me. It had never occurred to me that people should feel obligated to "pay" for the cost of a meal that they've been invited to share to celebrate a (theoretically) joyous event like a wedding - and then maybe feel obligated to give something else to the couple as well! It strikes me as cheap, shallow, and ungracious. I guess I still thought that the basic point of these types of affairs was to mark a special day with family and friends, and that the cost of the event was absorbed by the couple or their families as a way to show and share their happiness. Is this a Northeastern thing?
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Old 08-19-2011, 11:15 PM   #18  
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I was taught that you ALWAYS cover the costs of the meals at the reception, and then add on for a gift. If you cannot afford that, perhaps you should consider sending a gift and not attending. To be blunt, it will be noticed. Two of my sons are now married; we insisted on paying for all our guests so we would feel free to invite whomever we pleased. We were quite surprised to find the small and HUGE amounts our sons received.
This is an etiquette myth.

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3. Should the amount I give depend on the price per dinner plate or how posh the venue is?

Quite simply, no. "Never think about it in those terms," says Martha Woodham, author of "The Bride Did What?! Etiquette for the Wedding Impaired." Instead, think about it this way: You're not expected to pay for your meal at a friend's dinner party, so why should you be expected to pay for a night of dinner and dancing at a wedding? A gift is separate from the party itself and should not be considered "the admission price to the wedding," says Woodham.
http://www.smartmoney.com/spend/fami...e-guide-23264/

I can honestly say that when I got married, I was so grateful to see people that I never kept ANY kind of track of the size of their checks or gifts. I just wanted the people I cared about to be around me for a special day.
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Old 08-19-2011, 11:53 PM   #19  
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Originally Posted by mandalinn82 View Post

I can honestly say that when I got married, I was so grateful to see people that I never kept ANY kind of track of the size of their checks or gifts. I just wanted the people I cared about to be around me for a special day.
I really hope most couples have this attitude!

Somewhat unrelated: It was my understanding that gifts at a wedding were meant to help the couple start their life together. With many people cohabiting before marriage (if you get married), I would think that they'd have plenty of household stuff. Just has me wondering if the wedding gift and registry thing is a bit outdated for some.
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Old 08-20-2011, 12:47 AM   #20  
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Is this a Northeastern thing?
That gifts tend to cash, in largeish amounts? Yes.

That anyone's thinking about it as cheap, shallow, ungracious, or paying the cost of the event? No.

Remember that etiquette is local here, and what is correct in your area or subculture might not be correct everywhere else. And maybe consider not judging.

I was shocked the first time I went to a wedding where gifts were expected rather than cash (and I was even more shocked the first time I saw a registry where guests were clearly buying, like, two plates from Crate and Barrel). And I was beyond shocked the first time I went to a wedding where the happy couple expected their guests to buy their own liquor/beer/drinks (no open bar). Right? Wrong? Neither. Just subcultural.
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Old 08-20-2011, 08:58 AM   #21  
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The way I see it people can have their wedding however they want....

that's their business...

People can choose to give gifts of their choice...or no gift at all...

that's their business....

People worry too much AND share too much information on the giving and receiving of gifts.....

Angie and I have been at many weddings because our kids have a lot of friends that were close to us....we made a decision years ago to give everyone the same gift!

$100 Home Depot card.....

If I haven't been invited to other activities of the brides and grooms because of our gift....all I can say is....

THANK-YOU!
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Old 08-20-2011, 09:08 AM   #22  
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Whatever you can comfortably afford is the right answer.

People do not throw weddings to get their costs reimbursed, but rather to enjoy the company of those they invite. They are the hosts. They are hosting a party. You are the guest, and any gift or monetary amount you choose to give is splendid.
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Old 08-20-2011, 09:03 PM   #23  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MariaMaria View Post
That gifts tend to cash, in largeish amounts? Yes.

That anyone's thinking about it as cheap, shallow, ungracious, or paying the cost of the event? No.

Remember that etiquette is local here, and what is correct in your area or subculture might not be correct everywhere else. And maybe consider not judging.

I was shocked the first time I went to a wedding where gifts were expected rather than cash (and I was even more shocked the first time I saw a registry where guests were clearly buying, like, two plates from Crate and Barrel). And I was beyond shocked the first time I went to a wedding where the happy couple expected their guests to buy their own liquor/beer/drinks (no open bar). Right? Wrong? Neither. Just subcultural.
No, is it a Northeastern thing to expect people to cover the cost of a celebratory event they've been invited to, and get upset if the guest doesn't give them enough? That's what seems cheap, shallow, and ungracious to me. I'm aware that giving large amounts of money as a wedding gift is standard in the Northeast (at least among certain sets), and that's something that I've never felt inclined to pass judgment on. It's the sense of entitlement and the apparent valuing of money over people by those who buy into this practice/mindset (which I tried to find some more information on) that I find unpleasant, and I'm curious as to whether that's something that's coming out of the Northeast.

Also, I'm aware that etiquette varies by culture and subculture - I've even attended weddings and other special events where the traditions were those of another culture. I've just never attended a ceremony or party commemorating a significant life event where I was expected to pay for the privilege of attending. I apologize if I stepped on your toes, but I don't need a lesson in cultural relativism or tolerance.

I don't think it's inappropriate to form an opinion on the practices of one's own or other cultures, as long as one has some understanding of the underlying social, cultural, and economic mechanisms underlying the practices. Cultural practices may not be right or wrong in any absolute sense, but they often are indicative of broader societal beliefs and values, and reflect or have some effect - large or small, good or bad - on that society. To that extent, I think examining them critically can be a worthwhile pursuit.

I think that many cultural practices can be (relatively) good or bad, depending on their explicit and implicit purposes and the intended and unintended outcomes from performing them. Of course, determining what's good or bad is a personal matter. Still, I don't think that that's any reason to shy away from making value judgements, as long as a person tries to be informed about the practice, tries to be logical in assessing practices, refrains from employing things like double standards, and is open to revising his/her opinion in light of new evidence (which I am).

I accept that there are people out there who think that how much they made off their wedding is more important than having friends and family with them on a special day, or that friends and family should be judged by the monetary value of their gifts. But I reserve the right to disagree with their belief in light of my own philosophy and worldview and to let that difference inform my understanding of those people (specifically, their motivations and values), unless/until something comes along that makes me revise that judgement.

Last edited by theox; 08-20-2011 at 09:05 PM.
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Old 08-20-2011, 09:54 PM   #24  
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I have to say that $85 is a bit much and I was quite surprised at the few people that gave over $50 at our wedding. Personally, I was also very grateful for anyone that came to our wedding. I also feel that however someone decides to have a wedding is up to them and they invite whoever they want, that doesn't mean you owe them a certain amount.

I should also say that some of my favorite gifts at my wedding were not money gifts but things people thought that we'd like.
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Old 08-21-2011, 09:02 AM   #25  
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The wedding caculator is a joke.It told me I should have given $285.00 for an informal THIRD wedding.

Give what you can,not what you feel you should.I hate that weddings have become this whole,How much is everyone dishing out to attend...and not what they are suposed to be.Now I'm even more glad my husband and I eloped 17 years ago.
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Old 08-21-2011, 10:12 AM   #26  
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That website is crazy, for the heck of it I put in the data from the last wedding ( in the last 8 months) that I attended. I went alone as my husband was out of town. It said $225, LOL I gave $100 for wedding and $60 for shower gift. That calculator is crazy, that is like a car payment or heat bill in the winter. People have other weddings, graduations, kids in college or daycare. I have heard of some pretty tacky wedding things in recent years. We had a wedding we could afford and just wanted our friends and family to enjoy the day with us. I think since you are single and don't have a strong relationship with either the bride or groom that $50 -85 is fine. I wouldn't worry about it, what ever happened to "its the thought that counts". Hope you have fun seeing old college mates.
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Old 08-21-2011, 05:13 PM   #27  
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The idea of covering the cost of dinner weirds me out. Now is that the average cost per person, or how much I actually eat? So a drinker at an open bar should bring a better present?

What about if I spent $1000 on plane tickets and a hotel. Does the bride have to pay ME?
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Old 08-21-2011, 06:00 PM   #28  
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Thanks for all the input guys. I considered everything you all said and then asked my mother.

I mentioned the $85 calculator, she said I could get away with $75 and that $100 would be generous.

I decided to go with $100. An extra $25 is not worth the drama imo.

It was a VERY nice reception. 5 course meal, 300ish ppl, beautiful spacious room with a large dance floor.

There were alot of younger people and I'm sure at least a few of them skimped on the gift. Also the couple had a guy cancel 2 days before when he rsvped with a date. Then this guest had the nerve to Facebook "check in" at another local bar on the night of the wedding. soo I'm the least of their problems as far as rudeness is concerned.

By the way. I had an absolute blast. I get social anxiety and usually feel nervous at least some of the time in cocktail party type situations. Yesterday I felt relaxed and happy literally the whole night. More of my college friends showed up than I expected. Some friends let me crash in their hotel room so I didn't have to drive and I ended up in the hotel bar pool in my dress.

thanks again

Last edited by Scarlett; 08-21-2011 at 06:09 PM.
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Old 08-21-2011, 06:35 PM   #29  
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Good lord! I had a small wedding with a potluck reception because I didn't have money,but I am glad it was like that. I wanted to enjoy the company of my closest family and friends. I did not expect gifts and what everyone got me was sweet and just fine. All things that I needed! One of my favorite things was a laundry basket care package for a new bride. Stuff like dish detergent a dish drainer, laundry detergent, paper towels, clothes pins, and other odds and ends that I might not have thought of until we got our home. It was a great starter kit. I think gifts should be whatever the heck you want to get or however much you want to give.It's better that way!
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Old 08-23-2011, 02:27 PM   #30  
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The last few weddings I have been to I have been very close with the bride and groom, so despite being FAR from well off, I usually take the hit for around 200 dollars. The reason being is that this is a once in a lifetime event so my slight discomfort is a fairly transient one.
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