Please bear with me. This is long.
I just don't know where else to put this but I feel like I need to express how sad I am. Since I've started losing weight this time around, I've forced myself to really address the emotional reasons I eat and really explore my feelings that I used to shove down with food. So much has come up now that I feel like I am reverting emotionally, even though I am getting the weight off. I feel so taken advantage of by most of my friends and family. They lean on me for emotional support yet it's not really returned all that much. I am told a lot how "strong" I am yet I don't think that gives people license to do such things, like take advantage of me emotionally.
Really I am looking around and trying to tighten up boundaries with people and this is very hard to do. I am left feeling sad, isolated (even though I stay on top of making social plans) and overall disappointed both in those around me and in myself for not protecting myself more. I am also having to defend myself a lot because people have been accustomed to me being the "yes" gal, to everything.
I work in mental health, and hold a graduate degree in clinical psychology, so I feel as though that gives people license to take my compassionate empathetic ear for granted, yet I am finding that I am not getting my needs met. This has been the same with men as well. I do not have a DBF or a DH and I think this is why. It's not about my weight, or looks, or millions of other reasons I've listed in my own head. It's that I don't value myself and my needs. Ever. I give loads of support and am the leaning post and isn't returned.
My mom used to be supportive and a leaning post in certain ways me but she died several years ago, and was sick throughout most of my 20s. My father has always been depressed since I can remember and is not emotionally available. He also tries to lean on me for support but I have learned to set a clear boundary with him.
So here I sit allowing people to take so much from me that I have nothing left. And how low must my self-esteem be that I have even allowed this to go on for as long as it has? The worst part is that these people have no clue what I've lived through and survived (as I don't speak about these things to many people) yet they speak to me as if their lives are rotten. Yet most of them have so many blessings to be grateful for. Yes, I have a therapist, who I love. I just can't afford to go once a week.
Anyway I realize I have to clean house. And I realize that I need to get rid of toxic people and make new friends. And I also realize I need to practice setting boundaries. It's just that this time around with the weight loss, I am actually facing these issues rather than hiding behind my diet and exercise routine only to have all the weight come back on when I start feeling again.
And I really needed to write this out because I am just feeling so sad and so rotten. Thank you for reading.