Today is my father’s birthday, which you’d think would be a fun, joyous occasion for most. However, my father has been hit or miss the last 5 years, mostly miss. (Warning, bit of a long back-story ahead)
He and my mom divorced when I was very little and I’d see him the standard every other weekend, 2 weeks in the summer type deal. Once I got older the visitations got less frequent as I got busy with high school life, part-time job etc. He was never the best father; during my adolescence he was recovering from alcohol and drug addictions so it was hard to really “be there” for me in the normal way a father can. Fast forward to about 5 years ago, things started to really go downhill. He has been on disability (unable to work) due to chronic pain, fixed income, had been living in a trailer. He used to have one of those “pay as you go” phones, but didn’t always have the money to pay for it so communication with him was spotty at best. The last couple years he has gotten worse, back into drugs (I have heard, but never witnessed) and just this past Thanksgiving he called me to tell me he didn’t have a place to live. He wasn’t at all asking for my help, just telling me I suppose, sympathy maybe? I don’t have a phone number for him anymore; I haven’t for at least a year. Last time I heard from him was at Christmas. This past father’s day was the first time I didn’t speak with him, not out of choice, but because I had no way to get a hold of him. In the past he would have called me, but not this year.
This brings me to today, his birthday. I am doubtful he will call me, and I feel sad I won’t get to talk to him on his birthday. Perhaps you’re reading this questioning why I’d even WANT to, but he’s not a bad person, just someone who had a rough life, childhood, and ultimately got lost along the way. I guess I’m just a bit bummed out today, because this is the first time I won’t get to talk to him on his birthday, just like this was the first year I hadn’t gotten the chance to talk to him on father’s day. It’s not that he doesn’t care about me (the last time I saw his living room it was covered in photos of me from elementary – HS) he’s just not capable of being a present figure in my life. He’s just a broken down man in so many ways. I suspect he’s deep into drugs at this point (both prescribed and illegal) and just miserable. It makes me feel so sad. Anyway, this is a hard subject to talk about so I just wanted to let out my feelings someplace… Yes I’ve talked to my therapist but that was earlier this week and today is just THE day and it’s especially hard. *sigh*
At least tomorrow will be better.