Thank you everyone.
I did not go on the walk--terrible horrid New England weather..
BUT!
I did decide to cook today, which is a big step and always marks me coming out of a depressive state. I think I do make a catastrophe of nearly everything and nothing is nearly as bad as I anticipate it to be. I made pan seared tilapia with a light crust of whole wheat flour and garlic powder with salt and pepper. I used the Smart Balance butter spread to cook the fish in. I also made a mango salsa that was pretty good and just ate the filet over a large bed of salad. It was good and filling. I threw in plantains as I eat them with everything and drank some Honest Tea.
I did mess up later tonight by mindlessly eating--but I am trying to draw an analogy between my health and my academics. I am a pretty accomplished student and I am trying to apply my skill set from that aspect of my life to my actual body.
I realize I tend to forget myself so to speak. I do this, because as hard as it is to admit, I hate myself and I don't think I am worth improvement, help, love, etc... it stems from family issues. I always think I forget the past and forgive and move on but I just live out my pain instead of processing through it.
So in any event--I fell off the wagon tonight. I ate 2 icelollies and also some cookies that are for toddlers. I also did not eat in the morning, I sort of lounged about the house. For some reason I feel more invigorated at night so I cleaned the entire place which inspires my mood. Basically I had a bittersweet day. I am going to write down what I want to eat tomorrow, plug it in to a calorie counter and from there it is on.
No matter how tired I am I am going to wake up and walk in the rain with an umbrella. Even if I have to wait until noon I live about 1 mile from campus so I will simply walk where I need to go.
I think deep down I know I have the capacity to change my life for the positive and I am afraid because there is always that suspicion in the back of my head that suspects that I am not physically worth anything. I am again really happy to have found this site and most of all I am really happy that I've taken an honest look at myself. I want to be the person I know I can be even if it will take some time and mistakes.
John, you are right about setting goals. I am going to do that and just think of them as homework. If the weather ruins my plans tomorrow I will hit the gym. I have free admission because I am a student.
Thanks for the encouragement everyone.