I am such a mess right now. Completely freaking out. I don't know what I am looking for but thought maybe just posting here and letting it out might help.
I just broke down crying my eyes out in the middle of my workout and had to just stop. Give up. & now I cant stop crying and the only thing I want to do is order a pizza and just stuff my face and cry my eyes out. and it is taking everything I have not to do that.
I've been staying in touch with my sisters and mom to keep each other motivated and I admit it I am jealous and it is making me feel horrible about myself every week. I can rationalize that it is silly and not to compare and that I should be happy for them but I feel like dr jeckal where I have this other side just losing control and being angry and hating myself. I am working my *** off & trying so so hard and inching by. and yet they can tell me how oh no they messed up and drank pepsi all week, ate nachos & ate out 3 times and they are losing 2-3+ lbs every single week. I work out 6 days a week and count every calorie and they work out for like 30 mins on the weekend or take a walk around the mall 1-2 a week.
My one sister has not lost LESS then 2lbs every week. And then complains that she hasn't lost 5 when I am losing .4lbs. I know she is heavier then me but it just feels so unfair. and my mom was told she was normal weight to being 10lbs underweight and is talking about how fat she still is...
At first I was ok but then every single week it just started to eat at me. I want to be this wonderful loving sister/daughter who is supportive and happy for them and I am letting my own self hatred & emotional ickyness spread.
and to top it off I am fighting with my husband badly. & I just feel so alone & hopeless. Yesterday I just cried so much and didn't workout, didn't count anything. I am just trying so hard right now not to binge. not to give up and just stuff my face.
It is just so hard to get focused and to be in that right frame of mind when I feel so sad. I did so good last week lost 1.4lbs and that brought be to a total of 15lbs lost. I should be ecstatic. and yet I feel the opposite.
I just feel like I don't know what to do right now. I need someone to shake me out of this so I can clear my mind.