My weight has been on my mind all the time. All. The. Time. and today, at work, a patient had a code blue. We had a lot of people taking turns doing the CPR, but it was brought to everyones attention that I hadn't jumped in yet... I was busy doing other aspects of the code (pushing drugs, etc...) But being called out for not doing compressions by someone else was embarrassing. It is sort-of standard to have everyone take turns doing it, so there are fewer people who are tired at a time. The actual words said were "Well, you aren't doing much!!!" - made me feel completely ineffective, although I know I was doing a lot of other things, I was simply not taking center-stage. But OK, fine, since it was mentioned, OK. I'll take a turn. So, when one girl tired out, I jumped on...
I dunno how many of you have done CPR, but after you've done it a lot, its pretty monotonous. Up, Down, Up, Down, Up, Down... until you get tired and someone else takes over and this code was running for an extremely long time. It gives you a moment to think while you are going up, down, up, down, up, down...
Well, when I climb up on the bed, over the patient and as I am bouncing up and down on the patient's chest, the thoughts going through my head are: - I hope I don't kneel on this patient's arm and break it... I hope my belly isn't falling out under my shirt.... Am I pushing on anyone else's work space right now because I'm so giant?? I'm kneeling on the bed and I just put my big butt in the respiratory therapists face, oh no!!!
... Of course, it all lasts 30 seconds or so, and someone else takes over because it is very rigorous and if you start to get too tired, your compressions become ineffective... So its not like you are up there very long, but still....
The thoughts of my weight, the effect my weight has on those around me and their impression of it is all consuming. It effects how I dress, when and where I eat, the time of the day I go to the gym and today, it effected how willing I was to take my turn saving someone's life.
That being said - a disclaimer - OF COURSE, if there was no one else there, I would NEVER EVER EVER let my weight stop me from giving someone CPR - please don't confuse that. But because we had lots and lots of help and lots of people taking turns with that aspect of it, I was quite glad to do other aspects of the code - but the REASON I was happy to do other aspects of the job was ONLY because of the eyes that are on you when you are the person the bed doing the compressions. It mortified me and it was so terrifying because of me weight.
When it was all said and done, while everyone else is finishing up paperwork, etc... I had to leave to go to a bathroom and have a little cry because I was so embarrassed that I had to have my gigantic butt up in the air in front of 20 people, and when my tiny co-workers got up there, they looked fine, and other people were able to reach around them, and work through them - whereas, I felt like I was hogging up a zip code worth of space.
In my head, I would hope that people weren't actually looking at me. Sort of the whole idea of - if you only knew how little people actually pay attention to you, you would never be worried. But... I so desperately want to be thin... It is scary how much weight effects me. Of course, it effects me physically... but the psychological aspect of it is amazing. I felt disabled on the job...
I don't really have a point to this post, just a vent, I suppose. I'm so tired of being so self conscious and feeling like I am in the way all the time... Have you ever been asked to do something, that - although you are more than capable, are reluctant to do it out of shame or... self loathing.. or...?