*DISCLAIMER* First of all, I'm looking for support and suggestions. I'm not trying to be rude or start an argument. This is something that i've recently become aware of and genuinely want to change.
I guess as a fat person for most of my life, I sort of developed this as some sort of 'defense mechanism.' I have such hate inside me for people whom I've never even met. It's *mostly* towards other females, but there are a few males that i've hated for no reason as well.
Let's use the gym as an example. I recently moved back to my hometown from Idaho due to my husband getting deployed. So I joined up at my favorite gym and started attending workout classes. In my mind, I perceived people giving me dirty looks. When they were whispering to eachother I immediately think they are laughing or talking about me. There's this one lady that has NEVER done anything rude to me at all, but I hate her. All she does is walk into the class, take her spot and workout and leave when shes done. Her face just looks so mean to me, and even though we've never even said hi to one another i dislike her. Then there's this other lady. I like to call her 'miss elite athlete' because she is on the stairmaster before weight training class and she stays on there until the very last second (when the instructor closes the door to the workout room) then she comes flying in wearing short shorts and a tank top strutting her overly tan but very fit body to the front of the class and takes a spot. Then after the hour long class she rushes back to the stairmaster and is on there during the in between time for the next (cardio) class to start. She then repeats the process of waiting until the instructor closes the door etc etc. Then after THAT class she's back on the stairmaster and is still on it when i leave from taking my shower. I guess I hate her because of how good she looks in short shorts??? Idk! It was coming to a point where even after my 2 favorite workouts, I would be so irritated and angry at these people even when they've NEVER done anything to me! I would be pissed just because they were there. Makes no sense.
For one thing, after explaining all of this I feel like a crazy person so sorry if this is just incoherent rambling.
And any female that ever even stands within 2 feet of my husband...forget about it! I hate them more than anything. Since he is military and has to work with all sorts of people even ::gasp:: females, this is especially ridiculous of me. Now obviously I'm not the most self confident person in the world, so there are some self image issues and what not with this situation. Even if he is taking a training class where 90% of the class is male and there are maybe one or 2 females, and the whole class goes out to eat to celebrate something like oh, graduation, I will hate the females. this is ridiculous and I hate myself after talking about this.
I don't want to hate anymore. I'm tired of all the bitterness and irritation I have for no reason. I'm tired of hating someone just because they didn't say hi to me. Maybe I should take the initiative and say Hi first! Sheesh....
What brought all this realization on was hubby and I were talking last night. And he is good friends with a guy who married a stripper. (of course I instantly hate her ugh) He said something about her only he used her name (like normal people do) and I was like "who's that?" he said "so and so's wife" and I say "Oh, the stripper." And that just set off a discussion. He brought up a lot of good points about the golden rule and if I don't have a positive attitude about other people and treat others kindly then how can i expect the same. All very valid points but all I could see last night (in my blind hatred) was him defending her. Even though he stated that she's the wife of a good friend and he wouldn't let anyone else bad mouth or disrespect me.
So that's my long rambling and I hope someone out there can help me and give me some tips on how to practice daily non-hating. Thank you all for reading.