WARNING. IT GOT LONG.
Last year, I asked the guy I thought was my best friend to quit bullying me in one particular telephone conversation. He has never spoken to me since. Talk about holding a grudge! Seriously, it gave me a lot of pause as well as a lot of pain. I couldn't be his doormat any more - but if standing up for myself in this mildest of ways produced this total rejection..... well, maybe I was better off a doormat.
Anyway, I took my eye off the weightloss ball and regained 36lbs.
Fast forward a year to yesterday. I'm supposed to be going on holiday next year with a close female friend. For the first time in 25 years, I agreed to share a room with her (with anybody - I suffer from Bathroom Embarrassment!) Not long after we booked, she discovered she needed surgery on her shoulder, and went on the waiting list. It's not life-threatening but she'd rather have it done. They told her they'd try and hurry things up but months have gone by, and no date yet. So yesterday we were talking about booking airport hotels and travel for the night before and stuff. She's never once mentioned that her issues might impact on mine - yes, of course I know wanting surgery isn't her fault but it's not mine either.
So, I got to that place again where I knew that Not saying anything was going to totally mess with my head. I asked her, given that her health was paramount, what would she do if it got so close to the departure date when she was given an op. date that she'd have to cancel the trip? She said oh it was ok, she'd claim back on her insurance. Still no mention of the impact on me: I can't afford the single supplement (don't even start me on that hobbyhorse!), and *I* wouldn't be able to claim on my insurance for cancelling at short notice the trip plus all the pre-trip travel and accommodation.
I repeated that her health was paramount; I repeated that I'd be seriously out of pocket in a way I can't afford if she cancelled; I reiterated that I knew it wasn't her fault - but still, it had to be said. I suggested that we re-schedule the trip for its next departure in June - but she's gone off all wounded and huffy "I wondered when this would come up". Frankly, the courteous thing on her part would have been to mention it first, not leave it to me to bring up.
So I'm back in the same place - disappointed that I had to bring up something that better courtesy would have meant the other person bringing up; slightly baffled that they're offended. I then do a bit of weightloss reminiscence and discover that - virtually to the pound! - I'm the same weight as when I got my cojones together last year but then got them home in a hankie as toys. I feel flat and meh and horrible this morning, in serious need of a box of chocolates. Don't worry, I'll go for a walk instead; but I guess I've got more headwork to do:
Why have my closest friendships up to now been with people who're autocratic and bossy and don't remember my needs?
What will I do to make friends on a more equitable level? I am seriously drawn to people in authority, and having their friendship seems to be something that gives me a big buzz. And yet I keep coming to the point where I don't want to be their doormats any more ~ the footwipers don't like it but I'm not sure what to do with the results. Sigh. Thanks for reading.