Hey everyone, I'm about to get a little personal but i hope some of you can relate. Long story, so if you want to skip over the next two paragraphs to my point, that's fine.
I have a long history of eating disorders and disordered eating. I've had a binge eating problem since about 3rd grade. I remember my mom started to bring me to weight watchers then, when i was 8-9...and my friend and i would sneak out and buy huge bags of candy and scarf them down as fast as we could at recess. I remember fifth grade, working out five hours a day and eating nothing but fruit, veggies, and grilled skinless chicken breasts. I was in decent shape until 9th grade, when a bad injury forced me to stop playing sports, and i coulnd't even walk for two months. Instead i sat at home and binge ate, feeling sorry for myself, and gained forty pounds in a few months. Went through the rest of high school that way.
My senior year of high school, around the time when i was prom-dress shopping, my mom came into my room and told me about the diet i needed to go on and the weight i needed to lose. I told her i was happy with myself and she said "well you shouldn't be". I didn't know you could say that to a teenage girl. I gained weight just to spite her. Then i couldn't stop. By January of my freshman year of college, i was up to 225. I realized it and panicked, started losing weight quickly. I started out doing it the healthy way, but the next thing i knew i was lying to my friends, totally antisocial so that i could skip meals, fasting for 4-5 days straight, purging when i had to. I lost 50lbs in under 3 months. Kept losing, but slower over summer. I tried to recover, i went into therapy, saw a nutritionist, and did well most of the rest of college. Gained weight senior year because of thesis stress and binge drinking.
This brings us to the present, and my point. I was up to 196 again this christmas. I was sick of being heavy and put my mind to losing. Once again, i started out the healthy way. I became a vegan, i learned as much as i could about nutrition and am still learning. I planned and planned, exercised a healthy amount, and tried to keep a healthy mindset about my weight loss. Unfortunately, i don't know if that's possible for someone with a history of eating disorders. Does anyone else have an eating disordered past and worry about this? I feel myself slipping all the time. I have urges to fast for as long as i can. I purged once, but immediately went to my therapist and admitted it to my friends so that they knew to watch out. But i'm obsessed. And i live alone and it's so easy to skip meals, to restrict to 5 or 600 calories a day, to do whatever i want. I'm scared i'm going to self destruct. And the worst part is, part of me doesn't care. Part of me wants this weight gone so badly that i don't care how it comes off i just need it gone NOW.
My diet buddy and i are going on this trip to celebrate the weight we've lost. I was supposed to have lost 50 lbs, that's what i'm celebrating. The thing is, i've only lost 41. I promised myself that it's okay if i don't lose all 50 in time, as long as i was below 150. But of course there was binging and drinking and i'm still at 155.6 today, 8 days before my flight. I told myself i could not get on that flight if i was over 150 because i didn't deserve it. Now i know the only way to get there before my trip is fasting and over-exercising and unhealthy means, and that voice inside tells me to do it, that it's just this once, just to reach that goal, then i can go back to "healthy" but i know that's not how life works. I don't want to cancel the trip. I dont' want to feel guilty the whole trip, like i don't deserve it. But i also don't want to self destruct. I don't know where to turn and i'm scared of myself.