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Old 06-19-2008, 11:46 AM   #1  
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Default Eating Disorder fears

Hey everyone, I'm about to get a little personal but i hope some of you can relate. Long story, so if you want to skip over the next two paragraphs to my point, that's fine.

I have a long history of eating disorders and disordered eating. I've had a binge eating problem since about 3rd grade. I remember my mom started to bring me to weight watchers then, when i was 8-9...and my friend and i would sneak out and buy huge bags of candy and scarf them down as fast as we could at recess. I remember fifth grade, working out five hours a day and eating nothing but fruit, veggies, and grilled skinless chicken breasts. I was in decent shape until 9th grade, when a bad injury forced me to stop playing sports, and i coulnd't even walk for two months. Instead i sat at home and binge ate, feeling sorry for myself, and gained forty pounds in a few months. Went through the rest of high school that way.
My senior year of high school, around the time when i was prom-dress shopping, my mom came into my room and told me about the diet i needed to go on and the weight i needed to lose. I told her i was happy with myself and she said "well you shouldn't be". I didn't know you could say that to a teenage girl. I gained weight just to spite her. Then i couldn't stop. By January of my freshman year of college, i was up to 225. I realized it and panicked, started losing weight quickly. I started out doing it the healthy way, but the next thing i knew i was lying to my friends, totally antisocial so that i could skip meals, fasting for 4-5 days straight, purging when i had to. I lost 50lbs in under 3 months. Kept losing, but slower over summer. I tried to recover, i went into therapy, saw a nutritionist, and did well most of the rest of college. Gained weight senior year because of thesis stress and binge drinking.

This brings us to the present, and my point. I was up to 196 again this christmas. I was sick of being heavy and put my mind to losing. Once again, i started out the healthy way. I became a vegan, i learned as much as i could about nutrition and am still learning. I planned and planned, exercised a healthy amount, and tried to keep a healthy mindset about my weight loss. Unfortunately, i don't know if that's possible for someone with a history of eating disorders. Does anyone else have an eating disordered past and worry about this? I feel myself slipping all the time. I have urges to fast for as long as i can. I purged once, but immediately went to my therapist and admitted it to my friends so that they knew to watch out. But i'm obsessed. And i live alone and it's so easy to skip meals, to restrict to 5 or 600 calories a day, to do whatever i want. I'm scared i'm going to self destruct. And the worst part is, part of me doesn't care. Part of me wants this weight gone so badly that i don't care how it comes off i just need it gone NOW.
My diet buddy and i are going on this trip to celebrate the weight we've lost. I was supposed to have lost 50 lbs, that's what i'm celebrating. The thing is, i've only lost 41. I promised myself that it's okay if i don't lose all 50 in time, as long as i was below 150. But of course there was binging and drinking and i'm still at 155.6 today, 8 days before my flight. I told myself i could not get on that flight if i was over 150 because i didn't deserve it. Now i know the only way to get there before my trip is fasting and over-exercising and unhealthy means, and that voice inside tells me to do it, that it's just this once, just to reach that goal, then i can go back to "healthy" but i know that's not how life works. I don't want to cancel the trip. I dont' want to feel guilty the whole trip, like i don't deserve it. But i also don't want to self destruct. I don't know where to turn and i'm scared of myself.
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Old 06-19-2008, 12:00 PM   #2  
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First off congratualtions on the 41lbs you have lost. That is a HUGE accomplishment. I am not here to judge because i know how you are feeling and i know it is that simple just to not eat for 5 days. BUT that is the scary thing is that it is that simple. You have done the first thing to stopping this. Realizing that it is not healthy and its not the way you want to do this. We both know that if you do it the unhealthy way "just this once" it more than likely will turn into a bad cycle again and its gunna keep happening. I say stay on plan and eat healthy and exercise all week and go on that vacation and reward yourself. Not only for losing weight BUT also for doing it the healthy way and not hurting yourself to get there. You deserve it!

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Old 06-19-2008, 12:01 PM   #3  
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I don't have any first-hand experience with an eating disorder, but having read your story, I think you are putting way too much pressure on yourself. You do deserve this trip, whatever the scale says. You have come a long way, and I don't think the point of the trip was to put this unreasonable pressure on yourself to succeed. The thing is, you have succeeded so far. You know what triggers unhealthy eating in you, and you know how to eat healthy, thats a big deal, to get to that point. Don't let yourself fall back into your old ways of thinking. I am sure its not easy, and I commend you for recognizing where you are at and what road you may be headed down, thats a big deal. Take the trip, revel in how far you have come, and forget about hitting a certain weight by a certain time, your body will get there when its ready. Try to focus on the long-term, you want to burn off more fat yes, but you know that doing it in an unhealthy way does not lead to long-term success. You want to lose fat, not muscle, and to do that you need proper nutrition. And you know that. So just keep reminding yourself. And think about how far you have come! Be proud!
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Old 06-19-2008, 12:04 PM   #4  
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You DO deserve this trip! - Even if you lost 10 pounds.

41 pounds is a heck of a lot of weight, my dear. Like the weight of a small child!!!

Don't fast and work out a ton. That's only going to make you gain the weight but plus some in the future. Weight loss not only takes becoming healthy physically and emotionally , but mentally too and fasting will not support the healthy mindset you so desire.


Weight loss takes time - you can't be perfect all the time. And if loosing weight were easy and everyone could do it without a hitch there wouldn't be support groups like this wonderful site.

And who knows - going on a trip with your diet buddy may even help you loose more weight by keeping each other accountable and keeping active. You could lose weight on this trip. But your main focus should be to HAVE FUN!!

Last edited by Taylor86; 06-19-2008 at 12:05 PM.
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Old 06-19-2008, 12:32 PM   #5  
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OH MY, OH MY...I am in the exact same boat!!!! I felt like I was reading my own story! You feel so much the way I do right now!! I have had severe eating disorders since I was 14 and am now 40. I too have a vacation that I am trying to lose for. I am so afraid of not losing the weight I need to before it's time to go. I just don't want to ruin everyone else's vacation because I am feeling horrible about myself.
My story is a long one...but I would love to talk with you more. I will try and write more later, as I have to run.
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Old 06-19-2008, 12:35 PM   #6  
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Congratulations! 41 pounds is a success! Any amount of weight loss is success. You are getting closer and closer to your goal. It seems like you are stressing out about it, it's time for a relaxing fun trip!

Try losing weight on a steady pace, not a sprint to the finish line, you'll burn yourself out. A key to a healthy weight loss is to just do it, gradually and keep it off. Something that you can continue doing for the rest of your life and be happy about.

If your eating disorder keeps coming back and you are having a hard time with it, maybe you should see a specialist to help you not fall back into it.

Be happy with your success. Be happy about yourself.
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Old 06-19-2008, 12:45 PM   #7  
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OK, so I'm not really a 20-something but I do have a "past" and understand how easy it can be to fall back into the disordered behavior. When I was in about the 6th grade a doctor told my mother that since I "had a tendency toward chubbiness I should plan on never in my life eating more than 1000 calories a day unless I was pregnant". Then, in my 20s I went through the anorexia/bulimia thing (no one had ever heard of eating disorders way back then so I actually thought I was in total control and had found the greatest diet secret in history). In January of this year, when I first set out to once and for all get my weight under control, I went through a stretch where I actually missed purging something terrible because it had worked so well in the past and I still struggle with fighting off the feeling that I'm a huge piggy at 1400 calories.

Something that might help you stay focused - and that I wish I had known when I was 25 (although I very well might not have believed it would ever happen to me) - The terrible nutrition might help you lose weight now but one day it's going to come back to bite you. Things like your teeth falling apart no matter how much you brush and floss (and your dentist will start accusing you of using drugs) and, if you damage your metabolism badly enough, one day you could find that the less you eat you actually gain instead of losing - no matter how much you exercise (don't ask me how this is even physiologically possible but that's what ended up happening to me).

It can be a tough thing to overcome but you CAN do this. And you've already made huge strides by being able to admit to your therapist and friends that it is an issue for you. And, even though you might still have temptations to skip eating or to binge and purge, I can honestly say those feelings will get easier to shake off the longer you stick with a healthy eating plan.
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Old 06-19-2008, 01:04 PM   #8  
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I'm 20 years old, and i can relate your story to myself. I used to eat a meal / 2 days for years (and the "benefit" from doing that is serious stomach problem). Just recently, I changed my mind. I know that if i want to lose weight and stay on that weight lifetime, i need to change the way i'm eating. Secondly, i cannot live long with that kind of 2 meals/day. So yes, i started to change. It just, happened. I haven't lost a single pound since i started to change my eating style (just 2 months ago), but i feel much healthier myself, and just happier.
The only thing i can suggest you know is don't pay much attention on scale number anymore. It's just a scale. Pay attention on how your clothes fit you with 41 lbs lost. I used to focus too much on scale number too, and i've just recently realise that losing inches is much better feeling. Besides, don't think that you don't deserve that trip. You've worked so hard and achieve to lose 41 lbs. That's a reward for losing 41 lbs. Besides, think of this as a mini goal in a way to reach 50 lbs lost goal.
I just don't know if my advice can help. But i hope you will feel much better, be happy on the trip. When i'm worry about the number on my scale, i just stop, put on my clothes that used to be tight, and now they fit perfectly, and i can say that i've worked hard enough to allow myself a small reward. *in your case is your trip*.

Good luck, and lots of hugs for you
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Old 06-20-2008, 01:22 AM   #9  
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Wink Vacation-Then Inpatient Therapy?

Hey Congrats on the weight loss!!!

A few things:

1) You deserve the trip!! Go have fun
2) Maybe try South Beach Diet? Works fast
3) You may want to consider an inpatient therapy, to really kick the eating disorder or you may have a harder time struggling with it for the rest of your life. Therapy and a nutritionist are great but to REALLY kick ED in the butt I highly recommend and believe in Inpatient Therapy. There are great residential centers out there! Insurances will usually cover them too, you may have to fight for it, but the center can help you win, too.

Good Luck!
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Old 06-29-2009, 04:57 PM   #10  
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hey there, i read your story and was like "this is totally me."
You know, at a young age, in our society, we are taught that thin means beautiful. When i was in middle school, i was 5'1 and 125 pounds. I was labeled as "disgustingly fat" by my classmates and i took it to heart. Just like you, i worked my butt off and exercised like crazy. i dropped down to 86 pounds and i started becoming popular and i was in the "in crowd" and had boyfriends.
i started gaining weight when my friends and i would go out to eat at taco bell and mcdonalds. and thats when i started binging and purging. and that went on for a while and then i started fasting.
now im 141 pounds and as a result, ive developed stomach ulcers and i take a lot of medicine, and i just stopped taking antidepressants (thank god!).
What i've learned is that being thin does not make you beautiful.
No matter what other people say or may think, it shouldnt affect you as much as what you think about yourself. You should be happy about the 40 pound weight loss. I am still struggling from low self esteem issues, but i am working on it.
Life is short. Be happy. go on that trip and have fun!
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Old 06-29-2009, 07:30 PM   #11  
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First thing is first - you do not have an eating disordered history, you are in the throes of it right now. An eating disorder is possible to overcome - it's very possible to exercise, eat, and enjoy life healthfully. However, I want to be honest, you will always have a small part of you fighting against you, calling you fat, urging you to indulge in ED behaviors.

Just take it one things at a time. Forty-one pounds is alot of weight, and if you think anyone but yourself is disappointed in you, you're wrong, You're doing well so far, so don't knock yourself.

I would, however, recommend finding a therapist who specializes with EDs.
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Old 06-29-2009, 09:24 PM   #12  
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hey nj,

first of all, you totally deserve your trip! 5 lbs over your goal? pfft. you'll get there when you get back.

second, we have similar starting weights (i actually started at 194 Jan 5, but don't count it all since i lost 7 lbs in the first week). i'm at 159 now and you are at 156. i have never starved myself. i have never over exercised. so you have punished yourself, but it hasn't really done you any good, y'know? and continuing to starve yourself could do long-term damage to your metabolism.

go on your trip and have fun. and do something nice for yourself that boosts your self esteem - a manicure, a facial, a massage, etc.

and keep talking to your therapist, family & friends
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Old 06-29-2009, 11:18 PM   #13  
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I'm sorry you have to go through this, i never had a eating disorder this serious i feel i might have had a mild one in the past, i used to not buy myself nice clothes because i was overweight and felt like i didn't deserve anything nice because i could not lose weight, I told this to one of my coworkers and she said that was the worst case of self loathing she has ever heard of, it woke me up, since then i have lost 83lbs. I hope you are surrounding yourself with supportive people i hope your mother isn't one of them, Enjoy your trip, and don't hate yourself have a good time You have done an amazing thing by losing 41lbs. You have dedication and enjoy your reward
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Old 06-30-2009, 11:52 AM   #14  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CandyKisses0204 View Post
I say stay on plan and eat healthy and exercise all week and go on that vacation and reward yourself. Not only for losing weight BUT also for doing it the healthy way and not hurting yourself to get there. You deserve it!
I second this! Work hard to stay on plan this week (not anything extreme) and then reward yourself! 41 lbs is a lot. You've done wonderfully.
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Old 06-30-2009, 12:31 PM   #15  
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I looked at your profile (I'm not a stalker!!) but I saw that you are researching a year before you get into med school. Very nice!

Starting in my late teens, I went on "diets" that started out healthy, and slowly changed into starving and skipping meals. At that time and in my early 20's, I was not nutritionally taking care of my self. And I didn't fully understand what I was doing to my body. I was convince that since I did not purge, that I did not have an eating disorder. I also was vegetarian then vegan, but I think for the wrong reasons. To further restrict my eating, not for animal welfare, or healthy lifestyle.
When I went through nursing school, I'm an RN now, I had the chance to learn much more about the body and the effects of malnutrition. What was your ungrad degree in? Was it bio? When you start med school, it will give you a chance to undestand your eating disorder from a medical prospective, which may be very helpful.

That being said, knowledge does not cure an eating. I still struggle with wanting to starve myself and limit my intake severely. I've used my knowledge of nutrition to help myself meet my daily needs on days when I want to skip eating. There's some kind of gradification that I get from limiting my intake; it feels like I won for the day (the less I eat, the bigger the win) . But this is not healthy. Its a battle to force myself to meet a calorie requirement. (In my early 20's, I would restirct myself to 500-800 calories a day.)

You have the insight to know this is an ED, so I suggest this. If a patient came to you with this problem, what would you recommend?
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