So.
Wow.
I haven't been on the forums in ages. Which is terrible, because it was my number one motivator.
Three days ago I finished my final exams, and in three more days, I will be leaving residence forever. At the beginning of university, I weighed 138 lbs soaking wet, and thought I was a whale. Over the ensuing three years at university, ALL of which were spent in residence, eating cafeteria food and vending machine goodies, I managed to sky-rocket up to at one point 176 lbs.
I was on here DAILY for weeks. These forums became my replacement for overeating junk food, I lived and breathed this place, and in a month, I lost 12 lbs. You ladies were fantastic, you were support, you were great, and I never felt better, or more optimistic.
Then I got a second job. My Tuesday-Thursday+One extra day a week at the gym routine turned into Tuesday and Thursday morning working at my second job. From 8 am until my classes started for the day at 2:30 I worked, all the while fueled by sugar-free coffee, but suddenly.. 3 days a week at the gym turned into one... and then none... and eventually the junk food and sedentary attitude all started to creep back into my hyped-up, stressed-up, panicked and exams-and-final-assignments-ridden life.
Ladies... ladies. I am done my exams. I am done my third year of university. And in a matter of weeks, I will be moving into my VERY FIRST off-campus house and out of residence FOR GOOD (now that I've quit my job as a Residence Assistant, partially for my health and sanity-- no more being paged at 5 am, or eating at res cafeterias!!!)!
My future housemates are all ****-bent on being healthy and happy this summer, and I'm getting myself fueled up and pumped up to get myself back on the healthy train!
All of this being said and done, I'm petrified.. absolutely petrified to weigh myself again and find that I'm back up at 170 after having seen 159 on the scale a couple of times. I remember hearing people on the forums say they were afraid to see the number, and I remember thinking, even saying, "Don't be afraid! Get back on there, get that starting number, and know that you are going to change your habits, change your life and change that number! "
And now I'm staring at my scale and thinking how I can't bear to come back here and delete my weight loss trackers and shunt my numbers back up to the beginning and feel all that failure on my shoulders.
I deigned to measure my waist the other day and it's back to where it was before. Someone should've had a measuring tape to check my height at that point-- it dropped a good few inches as my shoulders slumped in frustration and sadness.
So, today started my new regime, my new "attempt" if you will. Hopefully my last attempt. I'm sick of "attempts," I want things to change, I want to learn to say "no thanks, I don't want to split a pizza with you at 4 am," I want to be able to sit across from someone eating junk and not long to steal a handful of fries.
Also, I want to add this in, as it is motivation--- NOT the reason behind my desire to lose weight (No, before anyone pipes up, my weight loss desires are not based on a guy, perish the thought!).
I was in Ireland for the summer for four months. I was never small, even there, but I was a handful of pounds lighter when I was living there, simply as a result of having had my own kitchen.. and I met a boy. An Irish one. (A pretty one.) And he... is coming to Canada to see me... next month. About 1 month from now exactly. Honestly, I'll never give myself a "I have to lose ___ lbs before Irish Boy arrives!!" type of goal... but my goal moreso is to feel happier, healthier and more confident in my own skin when he arrives, so I can focus more on my relationship with him, and less on my own insecurities.
Doable? I hope so!
So, I'm asking for support, and advice and everything that I know all you 3FC chicas are fantastic at... and a big ol' shout-out to the regulars from a few months ago, who watched my successes, but have missed all my failures. I missed you all!