Hello -
I'm not positive that this is going to be in the correct forum, but I hope it will be alright.
So, I'm recovering from an eating disorder - sort of. My BMI wasn't low enough for me to be classified as anorexic, and I didn't eat enough before I threw up to be considered bulimic. This was a little over half a year ago.
My hair started falling out, and although I thought my body looked great, my hair was incredibly important to me (oh, the woes of females...)
I knew that my dietary patterns were the source of my hair loss, so I tried very hard to start eating enough protein and nutrients for my hair to grow thick again. Since I'm vegan, and a teenager belonging to a family where everyone makes their own meals, I began gaining weight, since I had to eat more food to meet minimum protein requirements than an omnivore would have to, due to most of the protein coming from high-calorie protein bars.
I was so, so tired of exercising and counting calories all the time that I gave up on those habits. Of course, my weight was still increasing, rapidly. But my hair looked beautiful.
One day, prompted by my increasing fatness and realization that I had not weighed myself in months, I decided to step on my bathroom scale. I was about 20 pounds heavier than when I was at my thinnest, and in my opinion, most attractive. I was emotionally distraught, and immediately fell into a negative mindset - I was a cow; lazy, ugly, worthless, et cetera. I fell back into bulimia. I don't have the willpower just to not eat anymore.
So, this is where I am now. To clarify, since I am horrible at getting to the point: I'm afraid of losing my hair again, so I eat more than I need, but then I feel disgusted at my self and body for eating so much, and purge.
Specifically, how can I learn to be unafraid of being undernourished, so that I don't feel the need to eat so much food that I rapidly gain weight?
I'm really sorry; I probably could have just left out the history part and asked my question, but I think it might help to know where I am coming from. Thank you if you are still reading this!
Much love,
Aurora