Hello -
I'm not positive that this is going to be in the correct forum, but I hope it will be alright.

So, I'm recovering from an eating disorder - sort of. My BMI wasn't low enough for me to be classified as anorexic, and I didn't eat enough before I threw up to be considered bulimic. This was a little over half a year ago.
My hair started falling out, and although I thought my body looked great, my hair was incredibly important to me (oh, the woes of females...)
I knew that my dietary patterns were the source of my hair loss, so I tried very hard to start eating enough protein and nutrients for my hair to grow thick again. Since I'm vegan, and a teenager belonging to a family where everyone makes their own meals, I began gaining weight, since I had to eat more food to meet minimum protein requirements than an omnivore would have to, due to most of the protein coming from high-calorie protein bars.
I was so, so tired of exercising and counting calories all the time that I gave up on those habits. Of course, my weight was still increasing, rapidly. But my hair looked beautiful.
One day, prompted by my increasing fatness and realization that I had not weighed myself in months, I decided to step on my bathroom scale. I was about 20 pounds heavier than when I was at my thinnest, and in my opinion, most attractive. I was emotionally distraught, and immediately fell into a negative mindset - I was a cow; lazy, ugly, worthless, et cetera. I fell back into bulimia. I don't have the willpower just to not eat anymore.
So, this is where I am now. To clarify, since I am horrible at getting to the point: I'm afraid of losing my hair again, so I eat more than I need, but then I feel disgusted at my self and body for eating so much, and purge.

Specifically, how can I learn to be unafraid of being undernourished, so that I don't feel the need to eat so much food that I rapidly gain weight?

I'm really sorry; I probably could have just left out the history part and asked my question, but I think it might help to know where I am coming from. Thank you if you are still reading this!

Much love,
Aurora

Aurora I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this... I can kind of understand where you are coming from, because my sister had anorexia and bulimia and i have also had similar symptoms to bulimia, though not as extreme as you are describing. I'm no expert at all, but it sounds like you just need someone professional to talk to about where to go from here. I'm sure that talking to us here at 3FC will also help you! We're a caring bunch

I know that your want/need to purge is due to guilty feelings after having eaten so much, and you feel you need to eat more to compensate for your lack of protein (i can really relate to this, i am a vegetarian and don't know how i'd get my protein without eating eggs, so i'm sure it's even harder for you) So have you considered vitamins? There are specialised vitamins and minerals out there for us vegetarians/vegans, i have taken one a day for about a year now because like you, i noticed my hair thinning slightly.
It also helps to take care of yourself in other ways. Like brushing your teeth after every meal, making sure you get a lot of exercise, pamper yourself, use moisturiser daily. Bulimia effects people who strive to be perfect, so maybe your symptoms will decrease when you feel that other areas in your life are
'perfected'.
Like i said, i'm no expert, but if you need someone to talk to who understands, i'm sure there are plenty of people here for you!

Alright Aurora, you do have an eating disorder IMO.
You don't have to over eat to get in all of your protein. I am a vegetarian (I did eat chicken and fish for a while after my surgeries to get in lean protein so I wouldn't gain weight, but I just can't do that anymore) not a vegan and so it is obviously easier for me to get protein in, but still a lil' challenge. Here are some ideas (I don't know how vegan-friendly so you'll have to do a bit more homework): Special K Protein cereal with 1cup soy milk= 17g protein and less than 200calories. 8oz of silken tofu with 1c. soy milk and 2 cups of fruit blended into a smoothie= 17g protein and probably around 350calories. Protein bars like snickers marathon (my fav) can have 28g of protein and only 290 calories. 1 cup of red lentils (before cooking) has 58g of protein and if you stew that with yummy spices it is soooo good. As for more ideas; beans, seeds and nuts.
I also add in lunches or dinners of lowfat/fatfree cheese in corn tortillas several days a week to boost up my protein intake-- but then again, I'm not a vegan.

Also, visit our vegetarian/vegan forum here: http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=121 there are loads of threads on how to boost protein intake, ect.

Just realize that you can get all of your nourishment in without gaining weight! Also, if the scale is causing you that much pain, maybe try and stay away from it until you feel stronger.

Hey Aurora! I agree with so much of what has been said, and just wanted to add one suggestion that will hopefully simplify rather than complicate matters. I was a vegan for a long time, and admire anyone who is dedicated to that compassionate and healthy lifestyle. I'm afraid that one of your biggest barriers, though, is lack of education about health and nutrition. (And, BTW, that is one of the biggest barriers for people of all ages in the U.S.!) Not to complicate matters further, but most protein bars that I have seen are NOT vegan. The simple answer is that there are many low-calorie, nutrient-dense, plant-based foods that will provide you with more than enough protein to keep your lustrous hair. I would recommend you read books by the following authors: Dr. John McDougall, Dr. Dean Ornish, Dr. Neal Barnard, and Dr. T. Colin Campbell. One of the most useful and informative sites I have seen for vegans is vegsource.com. It has much information on healthy vegan diets.

Good luck. This journey is so challenging for all of us!

Sweetie, I am vegan and can tell you that your diet should be able to meet all your needs when balanced. I really think you need to speak to a doctor and a nutritionist/dietitian who is well versed in working with clients who have ED's.

For now, read labels. The nutritional content of packaged vegan foods vary. Silken tofu that I often use (Silken Lite Extra Firm Mori-Nu) with the soy milk I like to use (Silk Plus Omega 3) would give you 27 grams of protein in the shake shrinkingchica described, for instance (more than half the RDA for the average person).

Try to educate yourself, stick to a healthy plan and be consistent.

I agree... You can get protein from tofu, seitan, beans, and dark leafy veggies, nuts. (and other sources too). I LOVE seitan! It can be cooked in any way, and is a very high protein food with little fat (or even maybe none)..

I am also vegetarian and am able to eat protein every day for brunch and dinner.