I've been getting weird lately and I have no one to confide in about it. I thought I simply had a collection of bad habits, but it's getting to where I want to stop it and don't know how. And I don't want to ask for help because, 1- I don't want anyone to think bad of me and, 2 - I don't think I fit the category correctly. Can anyone here offer advice or insight because I really have only found a little bit of info on this.
I didn't have a weight problem until I was 26, and then I got over 200 pounds and stayed that way for over 12 years. My highest weight, which I was only at for maybe 3 months, was 265. I lost 145 in a year and a half, just diet and exercise and have been at 120 for 2 years now, no yo-yo dieting, no problems, haven't ever gained anything back. I decided to try 6 months ago to lose 15 more pounds because I feel fat all the time now, I don't know why, but it is so hard. I haven't lost anything. I haven't gained anything either, I'm still the same. But I feel like I'm starving all the time and I don't understand why after all this time it's becoming a problem.
I eat and can't stop. Then I feel sick and I throw up to be done with it. No one in my family knows, they are all proud of me for losing weight and I couldn't bear it if they even suspected this. But my eyes are bloody looking, my jaw and cheeks are getting puffy, my nose is always stuffy, my teeth and gums hurt and my knuckles are chewed up looking. This can't be bulimia, I tried looking it up on the Internet, but the general consensus is that only women under 25 get this.
What is happening to me? Why can't I stop and why is this happening now? I don't think I ever binged this much when I was obese. I am terribly ashamed and thinking someone will figure something out soon and how will I face them if they ask me? Why can't I make myself stop?
I don't want my family to know anything about this. I tried, in a roundabout way, to ask my doctor for help by mentioning how hard it was to be good about eating and he gave me the answer that most of us who do this wind up gaining it all back and more. Like I was bound to fail, like I was a stereotype, and I was ashamed that I admitted to feeling weak at all.
I would still rather throw up every single day for the rest of my life than gain back anything. Anything, even sore teeth and a swollen face is better than being fat. But I was fine before I was doing this and doing this doesn't cause weight loss anyway, so why is it hard to stop? Every day I wake up and say I'm not going to do it, I'm going to be good and by lunchtime, I'm almost insane with wanting food. I have my own fridge, I don't eat with the family, I lock the pantry, I have all kinds of rules for eating, I chew food and spit it out. I have nightmares that I wake up and am fat again and all this was a dream.
Can anyone tell me what to do? Or what causes this? I really don't want to get professional help. No one will love or trust me anymore if they knew I'm not as good as they think.