I posted the statement below in a different place on this board. I don't know exactly what to do about all this. I just know I NEED to stop hurting myself.
Quote:
It's not like I feel bad because I ate something "wrong." I have this eating disorder - I eat and eat and eat to the point of feeling SICK and I cannot stop eating. THAT's what I've been doing for three days now. It's hard to explain - i feel out of control, completely isolated, desperate for something intangible that i cannot have without knowing what "it" is. So I eat, and eat, and eat, and eat for hours, past any feeling of hunger, past any feeling of pain, past my body having had so much food it has to expel it by having me sitting on the toilet more times than I can count in one day. I feel empty and hurt inside, and I eat - totally and completely out of control.
Most of the time my attitude towards food is healthy. I eat healthy and allow myself treats in MODERATION. But the binging is NOT about eating the wrong thing. I mean, on Sunday I binged for hours on HEALTHY food - vegetarian soup with lots of veggies, non-fried veggie spring rolls, etc. For me it's NOT about the TYPE of food, but the behavior of being out of control - unable to stop myself from HURTING myself, even while at the same time I can SEE myself inflicting the pain.
I sit here trying to explain it and it just feels bizarre even describing it. <sigh> It's almost my bedtime. I will go take a hot shower and get into my jammies. Perhaps tomorrow I will feel better.
I have been in therapy for a few years now...but my therapist moved away and we now only do phone sessions, which are somewhat lacking. I haven't talked to her in over a month, not sure if I should continue working with her or find someone else. Originally Posted by thisgirlslosing
To explain further, and for the sake of being brutally honest and open about what I'm dealing with, and also cuz my therapist says that hiding things only brings shame and that shame doesn't heal anything:It's not like I feel bad because I ate something "wrong." I have this eating disorder - I eat and eat and eat to the point of feeling SICK and I cannot stop eating. THAT's what I've been doing for three days now. It's hard to explain - i feel out of control, completely isolated, desperate for something intangible that i cannot have without knowing what "it" is. So I eat, and eat, and eat, and eat for hours, past any feeling of hunger, past any feeling of pain, past my body having had so much food it has to expel it by having me sitting on the toilet more times than I can count in one day. I feel empty and hurt inside, and I eat - totally and completely out of control.
Most of the time my attitude towards food is healthy. I eat healthy and allow myself treats in MODERATION. But the binging is NOT about eating the wrong thing. I mean, on Sunday I binged for hours on HEALTHY food - vegetarian soup with lots of veggies, non-fried veggie spring rolls, etc. For me it's NOT about the TYPE of food, but the behavior of being out of control - unable to stop myself from HURTING myself, even while at the same time I can SEE myself inflicting the pain.
I sit here trying to explain it and it just feels bizarre even describing it. <sigh> It's almost my bedtime. I will go take a hot shower and get into my jammies. Perhaps tomorrow I will feel better.
I feel desperately sad and incapable of doing anything about all this. I need to stop binging and I also need to lose weight. I just don't know what to do...Help me?
