I'm not a maintainer yet (I'm getting very close to the goal I originally set at my high weight but know I will want to go lower), but I plan to be very shortly. I feel great both physically and mentally - better than I probably ever have. The sense of accomplishing something that I wanted to for so long is a great thing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the clothes I'm able to wear; I'm taking better care of myself than ever, and I gradually feel this confidence growing -- a more stable and stronger sense of self that I never felt comfortable expressing when I was heavier.

Still, there are a few things holding me back, and it all pretty much falls under "head stuff." Because I have despised my body for so very long, I am finding it difficult to love it now, even in its much-reduced state. I'm terrified that my mind will never adjust to my new body and that I will always think of myself as fat, fat, fat. I find that often, instead of celebrating my accomplishments, I continue to pick apart the flaws -- the places where the extra weight is last to leave, like my lower stomach and thighs and the backs of my arms.

And then there's the loose skin. I've read the FAQ, I know the facts, and I know it's still better than the rolls and rolls of fat I had, but I'm struggling with the truth that I'm just never going to look good naked (barring a lottery win that would enable major plastic surgery!). I understand that our bodies have their own history, too, and it's not realistic to think that we can wipe it away... yes, I *know* these things, but I can't help but be disappointed when I see my image in the mirror.

Is there something wrong with me? I always assumed I would have loose skin, and I never expected to be able to wear a bikini. So why am I disappointed? Am I just a freak? Do these kinds of feelings get better over time? Sometimes I am filled with regret over all the years I wasted obese and unhappy, but I'm afraid I'll waste the next because I can't come to terms with the body I have now.

I look forward to any advice you maintainers may have for me. Again, this is really only venting the deepest, darkest emotions I'm feeling. I'm mostly thrilled to be 115+ pounds lighter, so my apologies if I seem like a big whiner!

Hey Jennifer --

I feel EXACTLY the same way. I am happy with where I am, happy with my size and what my body can do for me, yet I would give almost anything to simply have skin that's relatively tight to my body. Not only is there the fact I'll never look reasonable naked, I can't even wear skirts or shorts shorter than knee-length and sleeves have to go at LEAST halfway to my elbow. I have this roll of skin over my waistband that I always have to worry about covering -- I can wear nothing that's reasonably snug around the midsection unless I'm wearing a SuperShaper of some kind, and even then it's still apparent. There can be no shirt-tucking, ever, unless there's a jacket on top. There is no bra on earth -- and I think I've tried them all -- that make these saggy, empty balloons look attractive. I simply I can't afford plastic surgery and probably never will be able to. Even if I did, the surgery can never make it look as if I were never overweight, and of course there are the scars.

This is a disappointment I will have for the rest of my life. I accept it, I am living with it, I wouldn't go back to fat-n-taut for anything. Yet ... just as when I was fat there wasn't a single second my size wasn't in the back of my mind, now there is not a single second where I am not aware that I do more to camoflage my body now than I did when I was double my current weight.

So no, you are not a freak. If you are, so am I! :P

You sure aren't the only one! Even when I was at my absolute lowest last summer, I still saw fat. My friends and dh insisted it was phantom fat, because there really wasn't any there. As long as I didn't look at my face and acknowledge that the body belonged to ME, I was happy with it. But as ME, I saw the fat at the top of my thighs and kidney area. I've gained back a few pounds since last summer and feel positively porky. Every once in a while I still try on the one pair of "fat" jeans that I still have and let them fall around my ankles. At almost five years, it's still the only objective way I have for feeling success. The smaller clothes now look equally huge to me.

I really don't know when our heads catch up or our pasts fade.

Mel

CONGRATS!! 116 is an awesome success!

I'm dealin with the same issues after losing 160 pounds. I'm only 31, but my body looks 80-ish. I feel like a deflated balloon sometimes. I just started seeing someone about some of the underlying issues with my weight loss. I stumbled on a few hidden emotional rocks in my path. I can't see myself as thin or normal yet, and kinda feel defeated - even after all that weight loss - I started thinking "what's it all for? Why bother if I'm going to look like this when it's all done?

I'm really trying hard to focus on all the positive things that have come from all that hard work, like smaller sizes, no more worrying about fitting into airplane seats, no more wondering whether or not the chair will buckle under my weight, and best of all better health!!

I know I will live a longer healthier life this way... maybe even long enough to see them find a cure for stretch marks - lol.

A funny thought: Everyone has a flaw that they hide from everyone else so no one will think they aren't "normal".

Jane
Start weight: 310
current weight: 150
total lost: 160

I was just about to say the same thing. People are "flawed", and everyone has faults. There is no such thing as a perfect body, except in airbrushed magazines. Having said that, it took me YEARS for my brain to catch up with the body size. I think I'm there now, but it's been about 5 years since my 120 pound weight loss. I still have an occasional case of the uglies but it's much less now. It helped when I focused on not how my body looked without clothes, but on how fit and powerful it is. You are not a whiner, and what you're feeling is normal (at least in my opinion). Congrats on your new body. Pay attention to what Meg is saying about maintaining your new weight That's actually the tricky part!

There is much wisdom in this thread, but I must echo Meg's sentiment that the rest of your life won't be burdened by obesity. And make no mistake; it's a significant burden. The New York Times recently ran a four-part series on the terrible toll of diabetes. I had no idea how many Americans now have it and the difficult lives they lead, especially as they get older. By losing the weight, eating well and exercising, you have taken a signficant step in living longer, living healthier, and living happier. You have also eased the strain on your heart, on your bones, on your lungs ... on all of you. Some of you may not have begun to look ahead to when you're in your 50s, 60s and beyond, but I can assure you that what you are doing now will pay off BIG TIME in years ahead.

And my dears, it hurts my heart to hear your collective unhappiness. You are each so special, lovely and loveable. I think you can't see what I see -- huge spirits, full of life and enthusiasm who have proved that they can achieve what they set out to accomplish. What's more you are smaller, stronger, and healthier -- my kind of people

So, battle those mental demons into submission. They will NOT get the best of you. And one more thought ...

I, personnally, make it a point to never go anywhere naked, so it doesn't matter what I look like without clothes. I can't help but wonder if that perspective might not make life a little easier in your new lives?

With love and hugs,

As always, thank you all for your invaluable advice, support, and shared experiences. It helps so much to know there are other people out there who have so few people "out there" have even an inkling of what maintenance or even losing a huge amount of weight is like, so it's easy to feel alone).

Airegrrrl, you made me laugh with your comment about not going out naked. And for that, at the very least, I feel extraordinarily forutnate.

You guys really are the best!

It's weird, I've been reflecting on how I look sans clothing today. Anyway, although I don't like my loose skin, I have kind of gotten used to it over the last five years. However the last few days it has started to bug me...

I can usually hide my skin no problem with the right clothes. I'll even venture into a tankini at times in the summer and just tell myself that everyone has their flaws and chances are the only person who'll notice mine is me. That being said, I am at a different time of my life right now.

I am expecting a baby in 140 days (which I am happy about). Of course I am dealing with my weight gain (I think my feelings and thoughts on that belong on a different post), but I am also dealing with coworkers who INSIST on touching my belly (before I can stop them). Usually I don't care too much, but last Friday I had at least two people touch my belly and two of them made this comment "wow your skin is so soft there, I thought your belly would be hard, like other pregnant women". The fact is, my skin on my stomach is super soft since I have loose skin there... those comments deflated me a bit, even though in general my pregnancy has been very good. So even though I am usually relatively ok with my loose skin, I do get times when it does bother me.


So Jennifer what am I trying to say is that your feelings are normal, there is nothing wrong with you. You've done a great job thus far too BTW!

Cheers!

Ali

Meg, your post just made me cry. I have been really, really having a hard time lately with the fact that I will not end up like I thought I would in my head. I still have a ways to go, but I am older now, I have wrinkles and loose skin and saggy boobs. I will never, ever be the hot chick I thought I would be. I love that there are so many of you that understand what is in my head on this and so many other things.

Meg: Thanks ITA about the touching pregnant bellies... I had no idea how a pregnant belly was "suppose" to feel since it has never occured to me to touch one. The weirdest thing is, people like my close girlfriends and my mom have never even attempted to touch it, it's more aquaintances at work who do that.

Thanks for the support!

Ali

Ali- Congratulations
I don't know why strangers feel that a pregnant woman is fair game for all sorts of bizarre behavior from touching, poking, commenting, telling horror stories. The most bizarre experience I had was an old Italian woman in a produce market had her daughter force me onto lying on the floor, while she took of her shoe, removed the lace, hung her wedding ring from the lace and dangled it over my stomach to determine the baby's gender. We had a large circle of bemused onlookers and I nearly pressed assault charges. And she was WRONG!

The upside of having loose skin to start with is that it won't be shredded by quick weight gain during your pregnancy. See? There is a silver lining

Mel

Mel: Thanks!

I am carefully telling my skin that it has stretch marks to grow into so it doesn't need to create any more OMG about the lady in the grocery store...some people.

Cheers!

Ali

Great, great thread! It is so gratifying to be able to come here and read about the things that go on in my own head all the time.

I felt very much like Jennifer when I got to my goal weight. It was an extremely emotional time. I experienced deep regret for having ruined my chances to have a beautiful body. I went through a period of time in which I literally mourned the loss of something that could have been, and I was angry with myself for what I had done. It was like I woke up from a dream of being obese and realized that I had caused damage that could never be repaired, for no reason at all, through sheer stupidity. Then, shortly after getting to goal, I had plastic surgery, which stirred up even more strong emotions once I saw myself stitched up like a rag doll.

But five years later, those feelings are just a memory. An interesting, valuable memory that I don't want to lose, but a memory. I believe you will stop mourning and start celebrating, like many of the other success stories here have done. It happened to me! I forgot about the sadness and near-panic that I used to feel when looking at my body. It just went away over time. Now, I can get into a funk and pick myself apart just like any other woman, but I don't obsess on it quite as much anymore. Even my thinnest friends have flaws that they believe are enormous. I never understood that as a fat person -- to me, if someone was thin, she was perfect and never had to worry about anything for the rest of her life. Now I see that everyone has a few secrets under her belt (pardon the cliche!).

And as I love to point out, the older we get, the better WE (that is, those of us who exercise and maintain a good weight) look compared to our peer group! At age 29, when I started losing weight, my peers were in the flush of youth. Now, at 36, I look darn good beside other people my age who have started to pick up a few pounds and don't lift weights, run or eat right.

Anyway, I hope this helps a little bit. Give it time and enjoy the excitement and strong emotions that you are having now.

Wow...Teapot...My heart goes out to you. And at the same time I'm reading your words and that of all the other posters on this thread and feel like crying tears of joy because you are all echoing the thoughts that are circling around in my head. I have been dealing with these feelings a lot lately too. I've been dealing with them since I got to goal 1.5 years ago but lately I have come to the realization that my skin is done shrinking back any more then it will and it is time to face reality. I really do *feel* fatter then I did when I was obese. I try not to focus on the aesthetic aspects of weight loss, but rather the physiological aspects. As my weight loss slowed down and I no longer had the numbers on the scale to keep me motivated I had to turn my focus to something else. For me it was pushing the limits of my physical/athletic abilities (primarily through running). I try to keep my focus on training for races or setting new fitness goals.

Meg -

Do you have any info on studies that have been done on this. I've been wondering about this for a while now. I have given up on talking to Dr.'s since they seem to know less about weight loss, obesity and my body then I do! I watched something interesting on TV recently that said that people that were obese as children grow new fat cells, where as adults that become obese just increase the size of there fat cells (to a certain point). From all the research I have done I have come to the conclusion that my body thinks that it is anorexic, though all the blood tests that I have run show all of my levels to be in normal range. I wish that more research were available...we really are pioneers as well as medical anomalies.

Thanks so much for your response Meg! That lecture sounds so interesting. I am hopeful that in the future there will be more reserch available. I especially wonder about the differences between people that were obese as childern and ones that became overweight in adulthood. I believe that I read somewhere that you can see differences in the bones of formerly obese and those that have never been overweight.