I feel worthless today. Actually, each time I restart trying to eat healthy and exercise, I become my own worst enemy. I get obsessed and I get angry at myself that I can't drop the weight overnight. I get angry at myself for my cravings. I remember all the crappy things people have done and said to me due to my weight. I start to compare myself to people on the street, and of course I never measure up. I just know people are looking at me with disgust or trying to completely ignore me (which is plausible, anyone see a recent episode of the Tyra show? Or remember when Gwyneth Paltrow was in her fat suit for Shallow Hal and commented about how people treated her?) I start to want to starve myself because I don't deserve to eat. Furthermore, I don't NEED to eat, because looking at myself I've had more than my share of food. So diet pills and crash diets start to look AWFULLY good and I begin scrutinizing every bite I eat and every minute I'm not exericising, I can't help but think I should be and that I'm wasting every valuable minute by not doing something to burn or avoid calories. (This is the obsession I was talking about).

In case it isn't obvious, I'm restarting for the umpteenth time, and am on day two. TWO. And I already am in this mindframe. This is a great deal of why I stop new plans because well, ignorance is bliss I suppose. I don't feel like this when I have the attitude that I don't care about my weight. Or, at least, when I'm in denial about it -- I'm good at that one.

I don't know what to do, I tend to be an all or nothing type of person and I'm working to change that but its as hard to change as my weight.

Hi,
Just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and that I am cheering for you to reach your goals.People can be cruel but try not to dwell on it-I mean after all just because some one says something does not make it true.What if they said "Hey you're a Volkswagon", would that make you a Volkswagon...no. Remember some day you will be at a comfortable weight for you but those mean people will still be the idiots they are today.

Best wishes for a peaceful Holiday season.

Sheridan

I know exactly how you feel. I've had many of the exact same thoughts you have. Being overweight, our primary defense is to not think about it and not let it bother us. But in denying the fact that it does bother us, and it hurts to not feel good in our bodies and happy with the way we look, we are actually perpetuating the cravings that drive us to want to eat in the first place. It's very hard to acknowledge our feelings, but it's really the only way to stop the emotional eating. I am in the midst of this process now - finding it really hard at times to not use food as a numbing agent. I still emotionally eat, but with much more control...

Aside from accepting our feelings and working through them proactively, it's also important to treat yourself with compassion and understanding. I tend to be a very demanding, all or nothing, black and white type of person. This, I realize has been my biggest downfall in terms of controlling my weight. I have so many preconcieved ideas about how I should eat and act...so today when I had popcorn at the movies, it's been hard not to berate myself as I think "an overweight person should not be eating movie popcorn." But I know that getting down on myself will only push me to want to numb the self inflicted pain - and food is often the easiest way to do that.

I find that keeping a food journal every day - even on the bad days really helps. Today I'm trying to talk myself out of feeling bad about the popcorn, but writing it down and estimating my calorie consumption, seeing that I have not gone over my calorie range, provides me with great comfort - and is a good replacement for food. I know how simple this sounds, and how hard it is to do. It's taken me years and years of desparation, hard core diets, and failures to finally be able to stick with a food diary - and do it honestly, even if that mean accepting that I've gone over my calorie range.

I also highly reccommend seeing a nutrition therapist - one who specializes in eating disorders. Most people eat emotionally, but when it puts you at an unhealthy weight and leads to the kinds of thoughts you have, a qualified professional can really help you work through wat you need to in order to get it under control...and do what you need to do to be happy with yourself.

Please try not to let the desparation and sadness get the best of you. It's a battle but if you persist, you can and will win. Remember that you didn't gain all the weight in a day, and won't lose it all that fast either. And most importantly...don't let your pain get the best of you. Yes, it is important to feel good about your appearance, but you have to live your life and make sure you do the things that matter most to you. Volunteer work with charaties makes me realize sometimes how miniscule my problems with my weight really are - and I'll often feel shallow and meaniningless when I dwell on it too much. Yes, I acknowledge the daily heartache, but realize that it's only one small aspect of my life.

Think about what you want to read in your obituary - "she was a kind and generous person who made an impact on the world, helped others and made her community a better place." Or "she was thin and pretty."

I try to stop focusing on the number. My main goal is to get healthy. Dropping the weight is just a bonus to me. My focus is making better choices than I did the day before or the meal before, especially on the rough days.

I have found that focusing on nutrition and knowing that by eating better I am helping myself, I can let go of the number on the scale. It is not always easy and some days are harder than others but it will be worth it in the long run.

Maybe find one or two things that you can focus on full force and do it just because it will be better for you to conquer these things. Simple things like exercising everyday or drinking more water. When you have conquered these habits than move on to some others but everyday put your all into these things. I find that when I am only trying to change small things that I don't get as overwhelmed.


HTH

Madscientist, I just wanted to give you a big hug, and tell you that you're not alone.
I hope you're hanging in there... be proud of yourself for NOT giving up, and for losing those 17 pounds!