Hello,
My DH had his addiction beat for 7 months. We went through all the stages of his addiction, including the sexual anorexia part before I finally put my foot down before we got married. He relapsed several times while we were married, but was clean for 7 months. The day I began my diet he relapsed again and my heart absolutely broke. So, I said "Ok, only when were together", even though I feel very morally against pornography - I'm human I like some of it and I would do whatever he wants to make him happy. Then it turned into everyday thing again, and I realized his addiction was something he will always live with. Living with a pornography addict..Geesh, its really hard to explain to someone whose DH only dabbles occasionally on what it feels like. Heart broken, hurt, whats wrong with me, why would he choose inantimate objects in for a real, living person who never says no? I turned into psycho investigator spending an hour + looking for evidence he was downloading movies and lately I always find something.
I did some research and I discovered I am a stereotypical Co-addict. Through and through. People pleaser, do absolutely anything for him, so wrapped up in the relationship I don't know a thing about myself, manipulative in the ways I try to 'fix' him..

I'm wondering if there are any others like me on this site, how you got through it, and if it helped or hinder your weight loss efforts. I honestly never think of myself. Just my girls and him, and then my other family. This weight loss journey is the first time I've made myself a priority, and its just too hard sometimes. I feel like I'm neglecting my kids, or the house, or him.
I'm so bitter about our relationship, and the fact I gave my life to him to be lied too, and put in a corner only to be used as cook/cleaner/blow up doll/mom to his kids
Honestly, I looked at myself today and thought "I'm too fat, no wonder he'd rather see other women" and almost went off my diet all the way. Other times I tell myself, I better get thin or else no one will ever love me when he decides to leave me.
These thoughts are just so horrible, and so wrong..And I can't wait to start seeing a counselor but that is still a few months away.
I guess I'm just asking for some support, love and companionship from you all if you've gone through this too..

Apologies for this being so personal...

EM

Oh, forgot to add, that I did threaten to leave him this last time and we even had the divorce talk. He didn't seem willing to give up the porn even then! Saying it was my insecurities. This is how it all started before he got seriously addicted last time.
I just think the past is the best indication of the future.

EM

that was the first 280 lbs i lost (my ex) ... it really doesnt get better..But i wish u much luck ... {hugs}

You deserve better. He needs professional help. If he's not willing to get help, you have to decide if you are willing to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy and with a person who does not respect you.

I had an ex who couldn't stop himself from saying things about how other women looked in front of me "She's got hot legs" and so on. While he was not "addicted" to porn or the like, he had a disrespectful attitude that hurt me and I let him know about it, yet he continued to act in the way he did. I didn't start to love myself until I stpped "loving" him;I say "loving" because I was not in love with him, I was obsessed with the need to be loved and the need to be needed and so was a doormat and an enabler for his other terrible habits.

Please get help for yourself and see that the relationshops modeled to your girls are appropriate, healthy and loving. Your girls are still young and you don't want his attitudes to influence them anymore than they already have (anyone who is that disrespectful to you will certainly influence them in unhealthy ways and raising girls who feel respected and see thier mother respected by their father are so much better off in this world!).



(edited for typos!)

EM, I'm so very sorry. I'm not in a situation like that, but I saw your post, and wanted to give you a big hug.
It sounds like you're building great strength. Focus on yourself and that strength... put you and your children first... you're going to be alright.
Keeping you in my prayers, dear girl.

Aww Em My first husband was very into the pornography thing as well. I finally ended up cutting off the internet when I found things that were nothing less than disgusting in the cache. In my case his dabbling just got worse and worse until he was full fledged into it all. When the net got cut off I got a $400 phone bill from him calling 900 numbers. It's not like I wasn't around, I was ASLEEP IN THE NEXT ROOM. I'm guilty of being a co-addict too, but I finally realized that I couldn't be second best for the rest of my life and got the **** out. It does do a job on the 'ol mind when the person that you love the most would rather look at other women than you. I try to remind myself daily that there's no way I can control others, only myself, and you're doing an AWESOME job. Don't go back into eat-dome-ville because of his problems.

I hope that it works out for you, I honestly do. If you google 'key logger' there are lots of free logging tools that will tell you exactly where he's going and how far he's actually into the whole thing.

I know some women who are absolutely comftorable with their lovers looking at and watching porn, some feel it is a totally normal thing. But I think each of us 'knows' when it has gone too far.

The fact that he wouldn't give porn up for you or even talk about spending less time with porn and more time with you really irks me. I honestly think that you will come to the point that it either a. doesn't bother you or b. you realize that you deserve more in life.

Counseling sounds like an awesome idea

Lace

I am so sorry that you are going through that. I hope you do see a counselor. It's hard to realize that the addiction has nothing to do with you. It's him & about him. Love yourself enough to get help & protect your children from all aspects of the situation.

carafre

Thank you ladies. You have given me much to think about. On top of what I was thinking about!


Thank you all, sincerely!


EM

EM--I love you!!

My ex was a porn addict. Every night he'd stay up playing video games and as soon as I fell asleep he would watch them. At first it didn't bother me, I just chalked it up to being a man. But then when I would clean I'd find the tapes hidden and I realized that every night he was watching them. There were even nights that I would want to have sex and he'd turn me down but then be up all night watching porn. Then I got a phone bill that I couldn't pay because it was ridiculously expensive from 900 numbers. Then once we got cable, a bill that should have been $70 would be anywhere from $300 to $500 or more a month. Eventually I had to let him go especially because in the end I would be the one to pay off the bills so that my services weren't turned off. When I would confront him about it, he would get angry. He didn't feel like he had a problem.

So I'm definitely thinking about you. I know what you are going through. I hope that he is willing to get help for your sake at least because it will get worse before it gets better.

Em, I know exactly how you feel!! I used to say, Im so tired of being your maid, chef, mother, and f**king hooker! Right to his face....he still didnt get it. (Still hasnt a clue as to why I left him)

What I dont like about this whole thread, is everyone one of us has had the problem, and the problem was with an ex. Em, I truly hope you can work this out with him. I know its hard, and I know the feelings you're having about yourself. I used to be 300lbs, and at the very worst of my marriage is when I started my diet. Not because I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to attrack anyone else....but because I deserved better. So do you....do it for you, not for him.

I dont have any advice on how to handle the addiction....other than getting him into therapy.....other than that, live your life for you, and your kids and know I'll be thinking about you.

Lots and lots of hugs, and I really hope you can work it out with him

So sorry for the situation you are in. I hope you do get to see a counselor. I think it is a great idea.

How have things been going?

Found your post.......I don't know what I would do if something like that happened. I don't think it is about the sex as far as I know about such things....and it is definately not about you.

I think it has to do with his self-esteem.

I hope you have been able to sort some things out.

Do you have children?

Liz

EM, I'm so sorry that you are going through this

I know exactly how you feel..what goes through your mind..all of it.
It is so incredibly painful..and damaging to your very soul.

You can never force him to get help if he doesn't want it..even if he goes "for you" it won't work unless he truly believes it's a problem. He will do everything and anything he can to keep both the porn and you. There's a great quote that goes... "How do you know when and addict is lying?...His lips are moving."

The very best thing for you to do, is to go and get that counseling for yourself. When we were in the worst of it, I found a wonderful counselor for myself and kept right on going until I was so sure of myself..that I was/am completely prepared to live life on my own and do a damned fabulous job of it too. Miraculously..there's been no porn going on in my house since I've had these revelations (as far as I know of course). I think it scared/scares him to know that I will TRULY be just fine without him, and that I'm fully willing and capable of doing so if he crosses that invisible line again!

I want to send you my love , my prayers , and all the strength in the world...because I really know how much this tears a woman apart.

Never forget how valuable you are
Please feel free to contact me anytime if you'd like to.
xoxo
Linda

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Linda