Dear everyone,

I don't know what to do, I am feeling so hopeless I have tried to lose weight sooo many times and each time I have failed during the past 5 years. I have about 80 lbs to lose and I don't think that I will ever be able to.
I have always had the tendency to be overweight and now I am obese. At my ideal weight I am very pretty and now I am down right ugly and, it seems like, have become invisibe to others. Whenever someone who has known me only as overweight sees one of my skinny pictures, I get the comment: "But you ARE very pretty!"
This is not the worst part though, I know that people are shallow and can only see what is on the outside. The worst part is that I HAVE LOST MY BELIEF IN MYSELF. I used to be such a go-getter and successful in terms of getting what I wanted and what I put my mind into. But these continuous weightloss failures have led to a complete loss of self-efficacy and self-esteem and THIS HAS SPREAD TO OTHER AREAS OF MY LIFE. I have been failing in other areas, too, now. I just completely lost the belief that if I put my mind into something I can actually get it. I am so discouraged!!!!
I know that the only thing that matters is what I think and what I believe, but I can't seem to be able to change my thought patterns. I am already defeated BEFORE I attempt to achieve anything, because deep down inside I BELIEVE THAT IT WILL NOT BE POSSIBLE and so, of course, I can't change anything.
I know that the mind makes or breakes you and mine is breaking me right now and has done so for 5 years. It's a bad cycle, how can I get out of it? I'm in ****!!!!!

Has anybody experienced something similar to this and has managed to get out of it? How can I pull myself out of this hole when I believe that it is impossible?

ANYBODY can offer some hints? Please, help!!!

(((hugs))) I am so sorry that you are feeling that way and I totally understand. I've been feeling similar for quite some time now too. I really need to loose around 80 lbs but am aiming for 60 right now.

I just joined this site too, and maybe we can help each other out?


~Liz

Yes yes yes, I totally get what you are saying. I have, realistically speaking (I use a higher goal on my ticker) well over 100 lbs to lose. For years I have been in total denial about my weight, because I truly believed I couldn't do it.

Then both my parents got type 2 diabetes. That has made me realise I either do it now, or I keep in denial and face up to it once things go wrong and I am even heavier, older and more depressed.

The first thing I did was write all the barriers that were preventing me from losing weight, and you know what, of the 15 or so I wrote down, more than half were my attitude the task type related issues.

The simple fact is you CAN do it. You can eat less than your body uses, you can because you were designed that way. Your body may not REMEMBER that, and it is your job to remind it!!!

But don't hate yourself. Just because you weigh more than you should does not mean that you are anything other than a beautiful fabulous person - you are more than your weight, just as much as you are more than your success when you lose it!!! Your weight does not make you who you are - your stunning personality does that.

My two favourite quotes, both gleaned from people on here are "Let's love every bit of who we are. Hating yourself does not speed up your weight loss." Goddess Jessica on the 100 lb forum, and "I can't lose 100 pounds, but I CAN lose 10 pounds 10 times"

Big Hugs to you! I can so relate to your post that is how I was feeling last year and then I gained 44 more pounds! I got where I was so depressed and started having problems walking. I finally pulled myself out of it by moving get to a gym move you will feel so much better. I started water aerobics and my whole view has changed! I hope that you will start to see that only you can change when I was down a freind told me "this is not a dress rehersal this is your life live it!!" Hope you feel better soon you can change your life and your body when you are ready too! Julie

Sweety, I totally understand the way that you are feeling right now. I always felt the same way. I've been heavy my entire life. I was a chubby child who got picked on non-stop and right before I went into highschool, I lost about 50 lbs. and looked fantastic.

Then I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, put on a ton of meds and I gained it all back, plus another 90 lbs. My self esteem was lower than low for years. I watched myself, in photographs, get heavier and heavier and heavier. It was to the point where I didn't recognize myself anymore. My fiance always told me that I was beautiful, but I could never see it.

I went through the same thing as you...people would "ooh and aah" over pictures of me when I was thin. I brought home 2 of my friends from college once...one was a really hot guy that I had a major crush on. They were looking through one of my photo albums and he says, "Who is this? She's HOT!" Embarrassed, I told him that it was me when I was thin. Or you get, "You have such a pretty face!" Good Lord, was I tired of hearing that crap.

I had wanted to lose weight for years, but I knew that I had over 100 lbs. to lose. I thought it impossible. Totally impossible. I was just ready to live my life as an obese woman.

But one day, this past January, I had just HAD IT! Enough was enough. I was tired of just sitting down and sweating because of all my extra weight....I sweat constantly. I was tired of getting out of breath from just climbing a flight of stairs. I was tired of not being able to keep up with my fiance when we went hiking or for walks. I used to LOVE to walk, but my body just couldn't handle it anymore. I was tired of having to settle for whatever fit me in the plus-size department....not being able to wear what I really wanted to wear. Not being able to wear certain fabrics because of my rolls. So, I made a conscious decision that I NEEDED to lose weight...for myself, for my self-esteem, and for my health.

I did a lot of reading on dieting, eating healthy, etc. etc. I joined this website, joined fitday.com to log in my calorie intake, and I forbid myself to eat fast food, ice-cream, fried foods, etc. I vowed that I would only eat healthy things, and only treat myself once in a blue moon. I started drinking lots of water, started drinking only DIET soda and Crystal Light. I used to be able to drink a 12 pack of regular soda in one day. SO many empty calories! I used to go through a half-gallon of ice-cream in like 2 days, and was always eating unhealthily. I started eating a big salad before dinner and watched my portion sizes.

I started exercising every day. Of course, it was slow-going at first. I could barely do 10 jumping jacks! The sweat would POUR off of me and my face would be beet-red. It definately was not easy getting my almost 300 lb. body in motion! But, I took my time and it started to get easier every day. I lost 8 lbs. in the first week!!!

It may not be for everyone, but I did all of this on my own. No diet plans, no gym, no diet-pills, nothing. Just me and my will-power. I've actually become very disciplined!
In the end, it wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. Not even close. Once I got started, the pounds just started to melt away. I feel so much better now, physically and mentally. I'm actually pretty physically fit now! Although, I can still barely do 10 push-ups! LOL I don't sweat as much as I used to, I can climb stairs with no problem, I can actually JOG!! My fiance has a hard time keeping up with ME when we walk now! Last year at this time I barely fit into a size 26 and now I'm in a 16.

You CAN do this!! It IS possible!! Just keep a positive attitude! The way I think of it is that it's a life-style change, NOT a diet. This is something that I'll have to do for the rest of my life. Actually, it's becomming habit now. I no longer crave all that junk-food. I'd rather eat a fresh peach than a bowl of ice-cream, fresh steamed veggies instead of fast food, etc. etc.

If you ever need to talk, need advice, or whatnot, just drop me a pm.

I have so been there. I would bet that a lot of us have.

You CAN do this. You absolutely can! As you can see in my signature, I have two tickers. I originally planned to just tackle my own 80 pound weight loss. That was overwhelming though. I feel like setting a smaller goal is going to help me. I don't have to lose 80 pounds right now. I just need to lose 5 more. And then 10 after that. And I hope that by my next wedding anniversary (next spring) I will have met 8 10-pound goals, and I'll be thinner and in better shape than I was when I got married. I believe I can do it and I believe you can, too. If you feel overwhelmed by thinking about 80 pounds, just think about 10. Or 5. Or 2. Have a goal in mind that you know you can achieve, even if it's eating one bowl of cereal and an apple for breakfast instead of something less healthy. Even if it's to park in the very back of the parking lot at work instead of close to the door, to force yourself to get a couple extra steps in there every day. Your goal doesn't have to be 80 pounds by a certain date. You really can do this, and starting small is okay.

I can't remember where I heard or read this, but I've found that it really does work for me. Every morning, look in mirror and tell yourself "I am beautiful. I am strong and I am worthy, and I am going to lose this weight." If you repeat it often enough to yourself, you start to believe it even if it sounds like hogwash at first. I have felt such a difference in my self esteem since I started doing this (probably about 6 months ago now, and I didn't even start losing weight until recently! But I'm doing it!). You have to respect and appreciate yourself and one way to make sure to do that is to daily, TELL yourself that you are worthy, beautiful, strong, and capable. And one day you'll say that to yourself in the mirror, and realize that you believe every word.

That's exactly right!! I never said to myself, "I HAVE to lose eighty pounds!!" I set very small goals. Actually, I set 10 lb. goals. The way I looked at it was that it seemed impossible to lose 100lbs. BUT, it was very possible to lose 10 pounds ten times!!

Like everyone's said, you CAN lose if you really and truly want to lose. However...

I think you need to focus on your feelings about yourself moreso than losing weight at this point. For one, if you can get past the negative feelings of yourself, you will automatically know that you CAN lose. You will know that it's possible and in knowing, it can become a reality.

I'm not saying it definately holds true for everyone, but from my own experience it seems that way...that we don't feel bad about ourselves because we are overweight so much as we get overweight because we feel bad about ourselves. And the reason you feel bad might not be something you can pinpoint immediately. Figure out when you're feeling your best. Perhaps keep a journal of your ups and downs along with notes on what the day was like. Then you can see what it is makes you feel good and makes you feel bad. Perhaps you can avoid what makes you feel bad or somehow learn to cope with it.

For myself, my family made me feel bad about myself. Sad to say it, but it just was. Too much bad blood and way too much criticism in my family. So I gathered the strength and courage I never thought I'd find and moved away. After over 4 years of living nearly 1,000 miles from my family, I begin to notice changes. First, I stopped smoking. Then I made my final committment to lose weight. I lost more than I've ever done on any "diet" and didn't diet to do it. Just ate healthy and exercised. I made it a lifestyle change. And as I did all this, I began to feel ever BETTER than I was already starting to feel.

Sometimes it can be something like that that you may need to remove yourself from, something that keeps you down about yourself. But even if you can't find the cause, you have GOT to come to the realization that there is nothing wrong with you that your perception of yourself can't make better. If you can iron out that perception, weightloss will be a breeze.

Thank you, guys, you are such a wonderful bunch of people!!!
I appreciate all of your comments and you have given me a lot of material to think about. I already feel soo much better because you have shown such caring. One of the worst things for me at this weight is the fact that people think that I am invisible or that I do not deserve the same amount of caring just because I am overweight.
People are just so judgemental and short-sighted! Just because I carry my weakness on my sleeve (I think that is the expression) does not mean that I have any less dignity than others. People do not seem to think about the fact that we ALL have our weaknesses and that for some of us it is just plainly visible what those weaknesses are. I have been observing people for quite some time now and have observed weaknesses in others that make me think, well, I'll rather eat too much than have that one!
As I mentioned before I was very pretty the one time I was thin and I just can't believe the difference one's looks make in the way one is being treated! It's like I am a second or third class person because everybody can plainly see that I cannot control my eating.
People do not approach me now, it is hard to make friends, and even when I get the courage to approach somebody I can tell that they just see me as this "fat person". They don't even give me a chance ... Of course, the way I deal with others is not helped at all by the fact that I have lost my self-confidence and self-respect ... sigh ...


I am so happy that I have found this place and people who are going, or have gone, through the same thing ... I don't feel so alone anymore

I know that this is a self-worth issue and I have also been horribly teased as child ... I think that has scarred me for life ... I still get nervous when I walk by a group of kids, afraid that they will make a bad comment ...

Thank you for letting me rant! You guys are right that I need to break up my weightloss goal into smaller, more achievable goals and that I need to find my self worth ... well, actually, I KNOW intellectually that I am worthy, now I just need to BELIEVE it emotionally ... I mean, of course, unless I have a low moment (like right now) I do not admit to myself my lack of self-worth ... but deep down inside, it is there and colors my actions ... or lack thereof ... If there only where a pill for self-worth, I would take it and finally love myself enough to lose all of this weight ...

Been there many diffrent times myself as well.
Always hating myself and trying to make others hate me with my attitude.
And I thought If im going to do this I need to do this now. Im not getting any younger and theres so much in life that I want to do in a diffrent body.
And the only way that is going ot happen is if I make it happen and it started with me getting rid of the bad food and getting out and walking. After I lost my first 10 pounds I thought I just need to keep going .
And another 2 or three would drop off and I saw this can be done and I would try to learn as much as I could on weight loss and what I should be eating how I should be working out.
The more you know the better you will become. Weight loss is one of the hardest things I am doing. But im doing it this time. I have my moments when I start to doubt myself but then I have to look at myself in the mirror and remind myself what I have done how far I have come and I dont want to go back. Love yourself and who you are and just try to make yourself better by getting healthy. Its going to take time and effort but make the time and put in that effort and it will pay off. IT WILL !!!!!

*hugs* I just have to second everything everyone else has said. You CAN lose the weight -- I believe in you! But I especially have to agree with Almostheaven. She was so right on when she said "we don't feel bad about ourselves because we are overweight so much as we get overweight because we feel bad about ourselves." I believe you can lose the weight, but YOU have to believe it in order for it to happen. It's like the little engine that could, right? I think I can, I think I can!

I gained weight for years when I had low self-esteem, and the worse I felt about my body the more I would eat. The first time I lost weight I did it because I hated my body, and I have to say that after I got to my goal, I started eating like crap again and gained it all right back, and more. But now I feel like my body is worth something, and I appreciate everything it does for me, so I feel like I should take care of it. In the short term, we all want to lose weight because we hate our bodies. But in the long term, you need to lose weight because you LOVE your body and want it to be as healthy as possible.

Good luck!

I completely understand where you are coming from. I've been fat for as long as I can remember, I never have had a period where I was thin. I'm not even sure if I'm physically capable of reaching my goal but I'm going to try my best to get there.

I was always the outcast, the fat girl no one wanted to be friends with or associate with. That went with me all teh way though college and even to now. Recently I was so tired of being the outcast, sweating allteh time, wearing baggy clothes to hide my rolls, being force fed things i didn't want to eat just because my boyfriend (now ex, best thing I ever did!) told me to eat. I said enough was enough. I was always unhappy, cranky, deppressed. I finally realized that I need to change myself or I was going to drown in my own tears.

I was having symptoms of diabetes and my ex has been on insulin shots since he was 11. His wasn't weight related but regardless I did NOT want to have go through what he was doing. I left him after almost 2 years(for other reasons than my weight, it happens) and instantly put my foot down. If i went out to eat I order the healthiest I could find on the menu AND only ate half! That in itself was HARD to do but it was a step that needed to be taken. I did research on porition sizes, granted I may not do it to a T but I got the general idea. Trust me, once you start cutting your portions down you'll see that huge plate of food at the resteraunt and feel sick. I did anyway.

Drink lots of water!! Lots and lots. I HATE water other than in the summer so this was hard for me to do. I found that putting those little crystal light packets in the bottle water (or any generic brand they have in your store) it gives it a different feel than just WATER and is still decent, better than pop. Make sure you eat 3 times a day with some snacks. I think my biggest problem was that I was eating once a day. I just never was hungry, now I am and losing wieght - go figure.

The best feeling you will get is making all those people that looked at you like just another fat person, look at you with their jaws on the floor as you start to shed the pounds. THEN they will want to talk to you and you can do what you want with that. I just had that happen this weekend to me. Went to a BBQ party with a lot of people that know of me but haven't seen me in a while. Most of all my EX was there with his new girl friend. I have built up my comfidence enough to wear I wore form fitting clothes and felt proud of myself. Maybe it was the fact that they noticed the weight loss, maybe they noticed the change in my attitude, regardless the noticed and were looking.

It's only going to get better.

Every time I think I can't do it, or I gained a couple pounds so the workd will end and I can't lose any more i remember the snide comments, the looks at the 'fat girl', and to be quite frank the pure joy of making someone jealous! Pass the doritos and bean dip and coca cola and go for the fruit bowl and water! You will not regret it. Be firm with yourself and be happy with your choices and it will show on the outside. That will show far sooner than weight loss, thats just an added bonus!

Thank you guys, I appreciate all of your help.
Your comments have been very helpful and you have opened my eyes about several things.

I will now stop complaining and feeling sorry for myself and get my big butt in gear.

WEIGHTLOSS HERE I COME!


Oooh yeah, baby!

Thank you for lending a helping hand, your replies are just what I needed!

Hi! I totally feel the same way you do alot of the times! I know what you mean about lack of self-efficacy. Sometimes I feel I'm incapable of accomplishing anything at all even losing one pound! But I know negative self talk is only detrimental to my success. I sometimes have a hard time letting go of all those little thoughts saying, "you're not good enough" "you're so fat" "you won't succeed" " you are going to fail", but I try to remember that life is full of negativities and to just let them bounce off of me. I try to push those thoughts out and tell myself I am good enough, I will succeed, I will make through, I can do this!
I'm totally in the same boat you are, I've struggled with my weight for 6yrs. When I graduated high school I started gaining, so far I've gained about 100lbs. It's hard to think about and if I do it drags me down, so I think about all the little good things I like, like sunshine and chatting with my friends or how good I feel when I've finished a nice walk on the treadmill. I know the only way to lose is to take it one day at a time. I just joined today and this is the first post I read. I really needed to read this. I feel so alone in my struggle most of the time, but reading you're post makes me feel I'm not alone in the world with my feelings. You aren't either!
I just found this site and forum tonight and am so thrilled! I've recently decided to start up exercising again and have been poring over my health mags I've collected, workouts I've clipped, and trying to be active online. I joined a couple of health mags forums with girls who complain how fat they are, when I would love to be their weight. It's really been discouraging, I thought I could never post my weight or talk about my real struggles there. But I found this site and I am so excited! There are people here who are more my weight and I know I don't have to be embarrassed. I'm so glad, I believe this will help me alot!
So just don't forget that on a cloudy day that the sun is still there! There is always light at the end of a tunnel, don't let yourself tell you there's not!

Way to Go Celeste! Welcome to the 3FC LOSERS CLUB! (and I mean that in a GOOD WAY!)

I attend Weight Watchers meetings weekly and at the end of every meeting our counselor tells us to have a great week and she WILL see "less" of us next week.

Accountability is important. Take pride in who you are and be proud of yourself. You can and will accomplish amazing things!