Hello all,

I'm new here, and still nervous about posting this. I posted this same thing on another forum, and was given a link to site by a really nice lady. I guess I should have posted more greeting type posts, before opening my heart and soul, but I'm at a very low point, so I'm going to just do it. I'm going open up, be brave, and just do it. Here's what I wrote earlier this weekend....


I seem to be going through a period of deep depression, that has lasted far too long. I have days when I feel better, but it seems like it takes such a little thing, almost a nothing thing, to send me spiraling. My husband is wonderful to me, but that makes me feel even guiltier. He should be annoyed by now. I've missed church several weeks in a row. I don't fix my hair or makeup anymore, I stay up all hours, and sleep til noon.

Several years ago, I had lost 40 pounds. I never was super thin, but I was a size 12, which is a good size for me, and I was maintaining it. I ate sensebly, I didn't starve, but I didn't overeat either. I had given up softdrinks, and was drinking tons of water per day. I was walking 4 miles a day, five days a week. I had formed really good habits. I said all that to make you understand my depression. I have been a larger girl all my life. I was always ridiculed as a child by kids at school, and criticized as an adult by peers. Finally, it happened. I had lost the weight, and was managing it....Now, I'm right back where I was.
Last year, I lost my Mom to cancer. When she was sick. I stayed at the hospital during the day. While there, I was a nervous wreck, and formed a habit of eating junk food out of the machines. I also started drinking cokes again. Well, I'm sure you can guess what happened. My weight is back up. I had quit cokes again, after vacation, but I'm now back to drinking them. I don't know what's wrong with me. It seems like every good habit that I developed is gone, and I don't have the resolve I need to get them back. I'm so furious with myself everytime I pop a softdrink can, or eat a candy bar....but I can't stop. I know what I need to do. I know what works, becuase it worked before, but I'm just too weak of character I guess.

Now that leads to another problem...
I don't have friends anymore. I used to work in a small local hair salon with 3 other girls. We did everything together. Hair shows, girl weekends, shopping, eating...we were just great friends. Now, I never see them. It's not becuase I stopped working, because I could still get together with them if I wanted to. I could go get my haircut (if I still bothered). Anything...something...but you know why I don't? Becuase I don't want them to see me this way. We all dieted together, and I lost so much weight that even the customers had noticed. I know they'll notice the gain back just as much, and I'm afraid they'll talk about me when I leave. I've worked with the public long enought to know how hurtful people can be about such things, and I've been the subject of many a cruel overweight joke in the past. I know it will happen again. I haven't been to church for in a while for a similar reason. By the time I change clothes 4 or 5 times trying to find something that still fits, I just don't want to go.

Why do heavier women have to go through this? Would it be so hard for people to allow us to just be who we are. Why can't they just accept us for who we are? I'm so tired of this looks-based society. I can't even turn on the tv without plunging into despression. back when I lost the weight, I noticed that people were friendlier to me. They smiled more, waved more, men held the door open for me, all kinds of things, they'd never done before. I know it should have made me happy, but it didn't. Instead it annoyed me because I know the only reason they treated me nicer because they thought I looked better. They changed, I didn't. When I put the weight back on, they changed again. I went back to being invisible. I may be making too much of this, but sometimes I just can't stand people. I'm so much more comfortable at home with my pets (cats). The way they feel about you doesn't change no matter.

I was taking antidepressants at one point. I took myself off of them when things in my life started to look better. I was getting married to someone who had liked me just as much before the wieght loss as he did after it. We always had so much in common. I was planning my wedding, and looking forward to my new life. I was happy! Truely happy!
I noticed a little sadness creeping in again, when two days before the wedding, I had to buy a bigger dress. I had outgrown the one I had, But I decided that was ok. The new dress was only a little bit bigger, and I was planning to settle in and lose those few pounds after the wedding, and things calmed down. Guess what. I didn't. I just kept gaining, and gaining...then when mom got sick, that was it. I picked all my bad eating habits back up, and haven't gone back to my healthy ones. When we realized we were losing mom, depression returned, and hasn't left. I went to my Dr, and got back on my medication, but It didn't work for me this time.

Now, I've gone from being irritated at myself to hating,,,even detesting,,,myself. Loathing. Think of every word for deep hatred that you know, put them all together, and that's how I feel about myself. I can't believe I'm confessing all this, because it really makes me sound bad. I just can't go on like this anymore, and if getting some relief means that I have to tell people what kind of person I really am, then so be it. I'm a horrible person. I even get angry at thin people, just becuase they're thin. That's wrong. I think it's because I've been tormented all my life by thin people. Maybe I'm just mean. This brings us to another problem. I feel so bad for my husband. He didn't marry this person I am now. He probably wouldn't have married this person I am now. He tells me he loves me, and not to talk like that, but I happen to know that the person I've become isn't someone people fall in love with. I've got to find a way to return to the happy person he married. Even if I never lose weight, I wish I could be that happy person again.

You need to see a trained psychiatrist and try different medications. That along with exercise and avoiding sugar should help. As for exercise? Just shove on a pair of sweats and walk around the block, the important part is that you start. But go to a psychiatrist and start a different med. You need something different now. I went through 3 years of medication trials before we found one I liked and that meant that it made me feel normal, it made me feel like me. Not this sloughed of wad of weight.

Ooooooooo jdee,

You sound so sad. I don't know how old you are. I get the feeling that you might be in your twenties. I suffer from depression and social anxiety. People like me have a much harder time losing weight, moreso than normal people. If I had the wisdom back in my twenties that I have now........I was so self-involved with my looks, especially my weight. You know, weight is not all that important, unless it's a health issue. I'm out to lose weight now, because it's become a health issue. When I was in my twenties, it was all about my looks, my vanity. You can be fat and beautiful just as much as you can be thin and obnoxious. I'm fat, but I'm also beautiful. It's a state of mind. It's how you carry yourself. It's an attitude that you carry about life.

Here's a secret: If you hate being fat, you will remain fat. If you hate being poor, you will remain poor. Whatever you hate, that is what you are attracting to you.

I'm in my 50s. When I look back on my life to when I was a young woman, all skinny, complaining about how fat I was. Oh, to be that "fat" again! I wasn't fat at all. Just comparing myself to these skinny, boney chicks. All those years spent hating the beautiful young woman that I was. Treating myself with such disrespect. If I had treated another person as bad as I had treated myself, they would have knocked me upside the head.

Depression sucks. It is an illness. If you have it, own it. Get some help. Treat it, just as a diabetic has to treat their diabetes, or a cancer patient has to treat their cancer. Go to a doctor. If you sleep till noon, so what. If you're up all night, so what. I worked as long as I could with my depression, I got a second-shift job. Now, I'm on disability. I'm still up all night. The winter is really hard to deal with. So, I do the best that I can.

Don't berate yourself. Do not judge yourself by someone else's yardstick. We who suffer from depression cannot judge ourselves by the standards that normal people in our society use. We just cannot measure up. So, create your own standards for yourself.

Ease up on yourself. Put down the club. Would you allow others to treat you as you are treating yourself? And, what you imagine others are saying about you, is only you in your head. My guess is that you probably did this stuff to others in your past. If so, forgive yourself. All this meanness in you head is the depression talking. Be good to yourself. Go see a doctor, join a depression support group. Best wishes.

Mary

Dear jdee,

I agree with the others that treating this depression is very important. Once it begins to lift, every other part of your life will begin to brighten - it darkens everything, good and bad. As you begin to feel better it will be easier to tackle the weight issue.

Have you ever tried counseling or support groups? Maybe that would be helpful, too.

It's good that you're blessed with a wonderful husband! I, too, felt guilty when my husband supported me through my depression. Looking back, I feel that my guilt was magnified greatly by the depression.

Try not to be too hard on yourself! I know it's hard, but you deserve to feel better and you will. Medication, exercise, healthy food, and tlc will go a long way. It feels impossible while in the depths of depression, but you will make it!

Take good care of yourself. I wish you the best and will keep you in my thoughts!

Cebelle

Missmuffet, I'm 36 years old. I was overweight in my 20's. I never ridiculed people with weight problems, because I knew what it felt like. The reason I say that people talk, is because when I was still working, I would hear, and see people be nice to someones face, and talk about them behind thier backs. My goal isn't to be a beanpole chick. The smallest I've ever been is as size 12, and I was happy at that size. In fact, I was ok with a size 14. I had gone from 192 pounds down to 152, and I felt like that was a good size for me. I know it's not what society considers thin, but I was quite happy with that size. Now I'm back up. I don't know exactly how much, becuase I'm afraid to weigh myself. I just know it becuase I've had to buy bigger clothes, and now they're beginning to fit me tight.

I'd like to think it's not a vanity thing that's causing my depression, becuase that would make me as shallow as the insensitive people I get so angry with. I honestly never was one to critisize other people's weight. I never felt like it was my business what size someone else is, if they're happy. Like I said above. I know what it feels like to be the subject of ridicule.

Jdee, I sent you a private message.

I'll be back later to post. Hang in there

Hi Jdee:

Your doctor would tell you that there are many different types of depression and you should be monitored when weaning off any meds to avoid adverse reactions (both mental and physical)

I think you are correct when say that society judges you based on your looks.....I've been a size 4 and a size 16, but my personality is the same, but people react differently to a different size body.

This is a great place for support, but you might wish to pick up with your doctor to discuss what is the root cause and work through your feelings about the loss of your mom.

However, get moving and it will help, take one small step each day toward helping yourself, do one positive thing, making a phone call, getting your hair cut, eating healthy. Sugar is evil stuff, switch to herbal tea with tons of splenda.

TTYS!

I so know How you feel on this because when I am at my lowest low I just don't care.When you feel low you reflect that in your everyday life.This is why some of those people are not so friendly.Reflection of the way you feel shows on the outside and some people don't like that because it shows negativity and low self eestem.

You know what I try to do even if i am feeling so low; smile and say hi to someone passing sometimes that can help in a major way.Because you will feel as though you are putting the effort forward to stay positive.I know sounds hard huh.Try it and seek some therapy.It does wonders.You may have good days and you may have bad days but at least you are expressing it the appropriate way.

Jdee,

First let me start off by saying you are not a bad person for feeling the way you do. You are just a person who needs a little help. I, like the girls here think you should go back to your doctor and try something else. It seems to me that you are experiencing to many ups and downs to not call it serious. Don't feel ashamed. Like some one keeps telling me. If you have a broken leg, you get a cast, if you have high blood pressure you take meds to help get it back to normal. Depression is no different, going untreated can be so damaging.

I hear alot of wonderful advice here about how we look at ourselves. You know, if we do not love ourselves, then how can we expect others to love us. I know this for a fact that shallow people treat overweight people different, and to tell you the truth Jdee, I really don't want people like that in my life. Even with my extra weight, I still try to go thru life smiling because it attracts people, good people, to who I really am. They see my heart and not my fat. Those are the people I want near me even when some day I do hit my goal.

I do understand about your weight gain and not being able to get back on track. I had originally lost 150 lbs, kept it off for 10+ years. When my sister suddenly died, I gained back 100 of those pounds. I, like you, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place w/no where to turn. One thing for sure is, we can't give up. We owe it to ourselves and our families. Your DH sounds like mine, he loved me just as much 100 lbs ago as he does now. And I thank God for Him.

I think you should really look in the mirror and look at the woman who you want people to love. Pamper that woman, start doing your nails again, style your hair and wear some makeup. Dress up, believe me, it will make you feel better once you start taking care of yourself again. Then make some more changes, like what your going to eat at the next meal. But first and foremost, please see your doctor and even if you don't go on meds, talk to him/her and get his/her advice. You can't go wrong.

You Deserve To Be Happy !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please join us on the daily chat, it does help

Love, Leenie

Jdee - what everyone is saying here is absolutely right. Go back to the doctor and get some medication and counseling. It's no shame to be depressed. It's an illness, just like any other and should be treated. I've been through very similar things as you, the fat childhood and teen years, etc. and depression and withdrawal from social life. I would also recommend that if you don't have any clothes that fit, buy some, fix your hair and makeup and go back to church. God does not care what size dress you wear and that will give you a little social interaction outside of your dh. And keep posting here. As you can see, all the women on these forums are here to support each other.

I want to thank all of you for your encouragement and support. I really wasn't sure that I should bear my soul this soon, but I'm glad I did. It really feels good to talk about it.

I have 2 24 packs of diet coke out in the shed. I told my husband that I'm going to try to drink a couple of glasses of water between each coke, and when they're gone, we're not going to buy anymore. It's not much, but making that decision made me feel better. The only problem with feeling better is that if I fail at what I'm trying to do, I spiral further down. That's my trouble. I've been going to "get back on track" for two years. Maybe this time I actually will. Last night, I wa up late, watching Frasier repeats, and I decided to exercise. I just walked in place, and did some toe touches and things I remembered from school PE class. At least it was a beginning. Maybe this time....Who knows?

Today, my husband gave me the money to buy some flowers to plant this spring. That gave me a little boost. Also, I know it's going to help to be able to get outside. Tx winters don't last as long as some winters, but they still can be lonely and miserable if you're depressed.

Now I'm rambling on too much. Thank you all for everything. Maybe I can stay with it this time.

Jennifer

PS. When is the chat, and how do I find it?

hey jennifer - you have gotten some great advice here and nothing that I can add to it.

to get to "Chat" look at the top of the page all the way over to the right and click on "Chat" - it will get you there. Sometimes there are people chatting at night.

But I wanted to suggest - if you feel like it - why don't you join us on the daily thread each day and tell us how you are doing - you know - like being accountable to somebody - say what your goal is for the day - like a glass of water between each diet coke - or whatever your goal is and then post and say how you did. I post on the daily food log and I know that it helps me stay on track bec I know that I will be typing out everything I have put in my mouth - so perhaps joining us on the daily thread would help you stay on track with your goals also.

I wish you the very very best!

hugs,
Cathy

Jdee -- good to see you! I was looking at the forum topics tonight and thought I'd check this one out myself. Sounds like these girls are right on track. You know Howie (Howie6267 here) and I are praying for you -- and I am rooting for you, too!

Thank you so much. It's good to see you over here. I'm afraid I don't post as much as I should.