Hi all, two months ago I managed to pull myself out of the beginnings of an eating disorder (for about 4 months previous I was eating an average of 350 cals a day). At the moment I am eating about 1400 cals, on bad days 1600 - 1800. But I am going through a bit of a hard (emotional) time at the moment and am totally feeling the need to heavily restrict again.

The whole feeling of being in control is so seductive and I lost so much weight in the 4 months I stopped eating! I keep looking in the mirror and just seeing fat and it sounds crazy but If I am walking down the street and someone laughs anywhere near me I think they are laughing at how fat I am. Not eating seems the easiest solution to my problem and yet I also know that that would be hugely unhealthy. But none of this changes the fact that in my mind me being fat = me being worthless.

I am not sure where I am going with this thread, maybe just venting... I woke up this morning planning to eat 2 serves of oatmeal with soy milk and a 285 cal ice cream for todays food. Help! Does anybody have any ideas on how to keep healthy when all you want to do is heavily restrict your calories?

Hi Sweetie,

We can all relate to how you feel. Can I ask if you have ever thought about going to a councelor to talk about the not so good body image you have of yourself? IMHO I think that would be the place to start. Looking at your stats, you do not seem to be over weight what so ever, unless you are 2 feet tall ? 141 sounds healthy and very normal, not fat by NO means. In the mean time, untill you get some help from your doctor (hint hint) please take some vitamins, do not rob yourself of the nutrients you need or else pretty soon your going to see the damage undereating will do, such as hair loss (trust me).

Hugs to you, please let us know how you are doing.

BTW, 1400 - 1600 calories a day sounds really good

I can definately see where you're coming from, because I was once in your shoes. I've been anorexic, loving the sense of control you get from restricting your calories and knowing that it has effects; but my obsessiveness which led me to the gym, working out all the time, which took the blindfold of ignorance away. I had to educate myself; on the importance of food, and that your body NEEDS it, even if you're just laying around doing nothing, your body needs nutrient heavy calories for fuel. That's a fact of life. And by denying yourself that, is like denying yourself the right to be healthy. It still is hard, there are a number of times that I find myself wanting to go back to eating 500 calories a day, but I know that damage it does to my body. Just the same goes with my recent battle with bulimia, I learned how damaging it is for my body and mind, and use that when the urges come to self talk myself out of it. It's a fight, but I love myself too much to let my ED win. I hope some of this helped.

I can totally relate to that.. I was always "the fat girl" in school, and people said horrible things to me, in public, as far up as University. I still have times where if anyone is whispering or chuckling near me, it sends me into a total downward spiral. Other times, though, I have moments of complete vanity. Weird, no?

It's important to get stuff out- venting really helps. I was doing so well last year, very healthy and eating normal, healthy foods. Over the past couple of months, though, I've gone back to bulemia. The stupid part is, I don't even feel like a "good" bulemic because I'm still not skinny. Like, a part of my brain thinks that as long as I'm still fat, not eating and then throwing up what I do eat is not unhealthy.

I'm moving back to Los Angeles next week, and moving in with my boyfriend. He doesn't know about my history of eff'd up eating, he assures me he loves me just the way I am, but I'm scared to death of when he "catches me".

Sorry to vent on you

shellsbells,

How are things going? I'm new to this....as of today. I only have one piece of advice for you: YOU do what is going to help YOU be happy, because unless you are happy with yourself you are never going to be happy with anyone else. Hope to see future posts from you!!

Macey

I love this website and really feel blessed to have found it. I do not relate to the forum title" chicks in control." I am a compulsive overeater . I sure dont feel in control but Im so relieved that God is in control. I can relate to feeling people are judging your appearance. When I was in school evertime I heard a word w a S sound I thought people were criticizing me ( my name is Susanna). I think all this is stinking thinking from the ED. Anyway, all I know is that food is not the problem but the symptom. getting to an OA meeting may be helpful for you .There is a library thread w a lot of good books to read about ED I am 50 now anfrom them even if I wasnt fixed quickly The journey is very educational for me and not everyone responds to the same plan. Susanna

Man am I glad I tripped up on this thread, this is exactly what I was looking for tonight. *tear* At one point about 5 months ago, I was down as low as 178. I have battled bulimia for the past 10 years. I'm 24 now. I did well when I started out 2 years ago with dieting and exercising on my own; I lost over 120 pounds, but now I am struggling to lose the last 30, and I have been binging really bad over about the last month, then as punishment, I push my workout really hard. My stomach hurts because it's stretched out so much from everything I have binged on. I have what doctors call 'bat wing syndrome' on my arms, where the fat hangs off of them, it's really gross looking. I submitted a tape to Extreme Makeover, but you never know with those things if you'll even get looked at or not. All the excess fat I still carry from when I weighed over 300 pounds really throws me off sometimes. Right now, I wear the same size clothes (14) as my mother, who is about 25 pounds lighter than I am, but when I look in the mirror, I still see myself as being over 300 pounds and feel that way too. I know my clothes size is smaller, but I still feel huge, and like butterchubs said up there about -->"it sounds crazy but If I am walking down the street and someone laughs anywhere near me I think they are laughing at how fat I am".. I feel the EXACT same way. I mean, I have lost that 120 pounds, but I guess I got so used to people staring and pointing and talking about me when I weighed 315, that now that I'm thinner and that happens, I feel like they're talking about how fat I am and not how pretty I am (as everyone I know tells me that I am pretty, but I write in my journal all the time that I can't wait til the day I can see what they see when they look at me). My stomach is in pain right now, and I really feel like if I went and threw up I'd feel better, but last summer when I went to counseling for bulimia treatment, they told me that I'd really jacked up my stomach lining after throwing up so much, and I feel like it'll just knock me down again I know in my signature it says I have maintained 185 since May of last year. I did pretty well with that til I guess around February of this year, then the binging/purging started up again, and currently, I'm at 195-197 I feel like all that work I did to get to 185 was a waste of time, and now everytime I eat something, that thought of throwing up is in the back of my mind and feels like such an easy way out, but I try to stop myself from doing it, which I've managed to do, but then the weight creeping up makes me feel worse than what I would have felt if I'd just gotten rid of it

Diva, I just saw your post, and wanted to send you a hug.
You've done so well, hon. You must have a lot of inner strength to have come so far. Don't forget that! Reach down inside and grab on to that strength!!
I know it's hard, but don't ever think you can't do this. You've got what you need to continue. You're a strong woman. You don't need other people to tell you that you're fabulous. You need YOU to tell you it's so.
We're here anytime you need us, sweetie.

Thanks ellis That's what I keep wondering though - where my strength went. I remember back when I first started the whole wanting-to-lose-weight thing 2 years ago. Looking back over time, it wasn't near as hard as it's been for me to lose those 120 pounds than it has been to lose the last 30 in the past 6 months for some odd reason. I don't get it I printed off one of the progress charts last night from 3FC that I used to keep track of my weight loss with, and our big family reunion is going to be Saturday, September 3rd. The calendar runs out Friday, September 2nd. I'm making it my goal to get to 160-170 by the time the reunion gets here, so I guess you will see me frequenting the board more often in the near future because anytime I feel like binging, I'm going to come here. *LOL*

I'm glad you're going to stick around, Diva.

I know exactly what you mean about "wondering where the strength went".
For the second day in a row, I've done 10 minutes on the treadmill. I know how pathetic that sounds, but to me, it's HUGE! I haven't exercised since my Dad died last fall.

I'm feeling so good right this minute. I really got my heart rate up, and I'm sitting here soaked in sweat. I feel GREAT!!

I think that acknowledging the little successes is something we need to do more often. We all too often dwell on our failures, and that just pulls us into a downward spiral.

If there's anything you'd like to see here in terms of threads, please don't hesitate to ask!
I'm thinking of starting an exercise thread. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm on a journey.

We can do this, girl!! Congratulations on printing off the chart! That's a big step in the right direction!!