Please celebrate with me 30 days free of bullimic behaviors It was completely HP. Eeryday I have thought of hurting myself and sometimes its been simply the feel of opening Pandora's box that has kept me from jumping off the cliff.

Little thoughts enter my head:
"Surrender to this simple program of recovery"

"Change your mind and the rest will follow"

"If nothing changes, then nothing changes"

"Where I am today has nothing to do with where I am going. I only have to do today"

Today I have family therapy with my son. My husband is missing it because he has a meeting with the small business association. But I am going to pay him back. When I am working 84 hours next week he can go alone Really I think this is about our whole family and I am looking forward to our family vacation at the end of this month. We have really been trying to be more loving this last week. This morning hubby had candles lit formy morning shower. And he cuddled with me all day.

Well work is almost over and I think I would like to go burn one before the morning rush.

Take care of yourselves and wherever you find yourself today, "Go gently, you are loved".

Chris

Yea, Chris!! That's great. HP makes all things possible!

Kat - JuJu had a column today on her post-election depression and her inability to exercise since. Are you feeling any better?

I'm doing okay - went a little over on my eating yesterday, but it's about relearning to eat healthy, not counting calories, so I'm still happy with it.

Got a little irritated with DH yesterday, but I'm trying to give it up. I understand he needs time to himself. That's what he thinks his days off are for. I think they should be for family time. Anyway. I think it's wonderful you all are going to therapy, Chris.

It's a beautiful day here! I'll check back in later.

Hi everyone...

Chris-I know that I mod over in another part of 3FC-but I really think that I need to check in here more often. I have had some real relapse problems the past two weeks or so...and I just feel awful. (Long story short-I am a compulsive overeater and a former bulimic-purging by means of laxatives and over-exercise, and when I go on a binge I tend to go in anorexic mode for a few days to "make up for it".)
I have done so well the past couple of years-exercising consistently-but in a "nonfanatic" pace. I have slowly lost weight-about 1-2 sizes per year...been eating healthy...blah, blah, blah.
I don't know what has been going on lately-the past couple weeks I have relapsed into binge behavior each and every day. Once I do it-it takes so much for me to get back in control. I wake up each day and start out on the right track-and my midafternoon I have done it again.
I have not gone into any bulimic or anorexic tendencies after binging-that is one good thing I guess.
I guess I just need some love and support-and help getting back on track before I really start slipping.
Aphil

My name is Jennelle, and I am a compulsive overeater with anorexic tendencies. (An all-or-nothing gal, that's me! I admit that I am powerless over food and my life has become unmanageable.

With that said, here I am. I have a new, very basic abstinence plan: (1) ODAT, I will not eat anything candy or candy-like, (2) ODAT, I will make loving food choices, and (3) ODAT, I will bring a healthy lunch to work.

Now, I need a sponsor.

Promise to respond tomorrow but wanted to say hi before bed.

Hi Aphil. Come hang out with us some more. I'm a compulsive over-eater - mainly in the afternoons and evenings too. I have been almost all my life, really, and it's hard to find the root of it all and change my thinking, but I'm trying, ODAT.

Jennelle girly, I'm so glad to see you. I've been worrying about you!

Well, everyone, I caught sight of my A in the mirror this morning - and it's not so bad. I've always had a square butt, but now, due to the exercise, it's definitely rounder, and my legs show some muscle. I just need to burn off some of the fat that's covering it up. But it's still motivating to be strong. Sorry about the "TMI". Ya'll could probably pick my butt out of a lineup.

Love ya'll. I'll check back in tonight. Day three on the Core program!

Hi everyone-thanks for responding. I am unfamilar with the etiquette over here-so if I say something out of line just let me know
In my plan over the last couple years-with my exercise and everything-I keep track of my weight and measurements and body fat in a log. My first order of business today (hopefully my first day of abstinence as well) was to do my body fat percentage and take my measurements and write them down. I find that when I go off the deep end and binge or what have you-that if I ignore it-it tends to go on longer and what might be a couple weeks of bad behavior or a 2-3 pound gain will turn into a month or a 10 pound gain.
So...my action this morning was to get it on paper. To see where I am at and not ignore it. My arms are the same-but my other measurements are up about 1/4". Not much-just a slight tightness in some clothing-but I am going to try to get back in the swing of things before it gets out of control. I have not eaten yet today-I am having my coffee right now. (9:30 am)
I don't know much about how I am going to try to stay abstinent-other than try to stay at around 2000 calories today and get in my exercise. (30-45 minutes) I find that maybe if I do that calorie level right now that it will help-not weight loss level-but not binge level either-maybe this will help me keep in control right there in the middle.
I was so down last night about it all. I sometimes feel like "How can I dance professionally...be self employed, take care of my children, blah, blah, blah, blah...and I can't stop something as simple as what I stuff in my face?" It is a really helpless and worthless feeling.
I am committing myself more and more to God...and hoping that he will help me through this. I am finally giving in and coming over here for your support as well.
Pray for me that I make it through today without any episodes or loss of control. I will pray for you all as well.
Aphil

Good Morning/Afternoon
I got up at the crack of dawn today and cleaned, and walked, meditated, and prayed to only be persuaded by DH that I needed to go back to bed at 0900. I read this in my meditation this morning, "When self esteem is heightend and we give up competing, suceeding, and winning, and instead decide to enjoy and savor our lives, food obsessions diminish"-Judi Hollis, Ph.D. "Resisting Recoveryhe Food Obsession" Its that question, "Will you go to any length for your recovery today?". Well, I will bust my *** for my career, go out of my way for friends and family, but my own recovery? No one gives promotions or accolades for the end of self-destruction. My ego is getting in the way of me being healthy. You know you can't even enjoy the outcomes if your self-imploding all the time. So for today I am going to get out of the way of myself and put recovery first. I hope this makes sense.

Yesterdays therapy session with my son went okay. Today is the psychiatrist. We will see how it goes. I am trying to get myself in some Behavioral therapy classes for coping skills. For today the food is put down, but I have 84 hours of work next week, will it be so easy to put down then?

Aphil- Wow. I just read your post. I think you know exactly what I mean. It seems like we juggle the world with of course a donut in our mouths. Getting things on paper helps me alot. My actions today have been pretty much what I have been doing, except today I am writing down my food and taking it to my sponsor tonight. Many prayers for you girl.

Tracy-"change my thinking" you have said a mouthful there. Also from this mornings reading "Without deeper underlying personality and life changes, we are destined to return to food abuse"-same reference So is Core going well for you? Maybe we should all see your butt, so we can pick it out of the line-up Mine is flatter than Kansas

Jenelle- You have no idea how happy I am to see you. I have been missing you like crazy girl. I probably need to PM you or something. So much to say. But most of all for the e-cards and thinking of me. So it sounds like you have had arough patch too, our ears are open

Kat

Have a beautiful day everyone and celebrate your small, personal victories for HP walks with each one of us.
Chris

Hello my good friends! Another day is in the books, and all ended well. It's been very cold lately, below 30 degrees most mornies and at night time. I find it very hard to get out of bed when I'm all warm with my blanket and heater! Still haven't heard my results, don't know if that's good or bad.. I'm guessing good b/c if they were bad, they would have called by now. Eating has been ok, sorta drifted back into that punishment mode, but the restriction hasn't been that bad.
Chris-Wow, your exactly right!! When self esteem is heightend and we give up competing, suceeding, and winning, and instead decide to enjoy and savor our lives, food obsessions diminish"- Its that question, "Will you go to any length for your recovery today?" I'm totally like that also, bust my butt at work and do practically anything for my friends. And your right about "congratulating" self destruction behavior, there's no fame! Wow, I'm so glad you posted that, it's really opened up my eyes!!!
Tracy-Glad to hear that your butt is ok! LOL If that gives you more motivation, then go with it! How is core doing by the way??
Aphil-Hey there and welcome! I'm recovering anorexic with a bad habit of restriction and self destruction/punishment. ODAT and that's all I can do for now!
Jennelle-Hey, I'm glad you posted!! I've been worried about you! We're all taking it ODAT and we're all here for you, step by step.
Well ladies, I think I'm going to take a nap, and try to warm up to my actual body temperature
God Bless and be good!
Love ya
Vanessa

Hi all and welcome Aphil!

It's great seeing you, Jennelle.

:clap: for Chris - congrats on the 30 days!

Vanessa, that's COLD!

Tracy, thanks for asking. I'm feeling better, although still disappointed.

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving weekend. We're celebrating Thanksgiving with friends then going away for 2 nights to celebrate our wedding anniversary. It'll be good to get away.

My post was eaten and then I couldn't get back in to the ED forum.

At work now so I can't post another long one like yesterday's but I wanted to say hi.

Well, I did well today until the evening, and then had a large bowl of ice cream. Trying not to beat myself up over it though, since I ate healthy all day. I wanted to eat better without really restricting myself too much - sort of a WW/Geneen Roth combo. But the ice cream isn't going to help with weight loss.

I've started Christmas shopping - fun! Tomorrow we're going to my mom's, and she's Weight Watchers crazy, so I know I'll do fine. Maybe I can get some recipes to help me out, too.

I have a group of four sixth grade girls who are in a literature circle with the book "The Cat Ate My Gymsuit" by Paula Danziger. Don't know how many of you read it when you were adolescents, but it's a good book. Anyway, the main character, Marcy, is a little chunky and has some self-esteem issues. She doesn't have many friends, and her mom always tries solve problems with food. (Gee, familiar anyone? ) Anyhow, we were discussing the book today and how Marcy doesn't have any friends and one of my girls said, "Well, ice cream is her friend." Boy, did I tear up at that!

As for me, I'm doing well. Making good choices. Already, I feel physically better.

Jennelle-I think I am going to get that book for my daughter. Maybe if we read it together and all at an early age and discussed it-she will have a better chance. Luckily she goes on walks with me and loves fruit and veggies (a 6 year old who actually likes steamed broccoli!) maybe she has a chance after all.

I made it through 2 days of abstinence now after my slip up. I feel really good about that. It was really hard last night not to binge-I just kept going around finding things to do to stay busy instead. Funny enough-I actually reinstalled new elastic in all of my harem pants.

I think it has really given me strength these past two days to come here and talk about it. It has made me feel accountable to you all and not "on my own" and that really helps. Thanks.
Aphil

Ice cream is my friend too Tell me to put down the cookies and slowly walk away. Yesterdays work meeting stressed me a bit and I knew I was in trouble when I started food stalking. Then after dinner last night (out with folks from work) I literally had to sit on the toliet and pray. Please God, "I want to purge, I am already stoned rom the food I have eaten. Don't let me open the box." So that was my only victory otherwise I think I am eating for a few reasons:

1. I am having a fear of failure crisis: failing as a mom, an employee, and a wife
2. I am avoiding intimacy with my husband because I am ashamed of the weight I am gaining; isn't that a cyclic process
3. I am just not ready to take Step 3. I feel God, I feel powerless, but I got my hands wrapped so tight around my life, and I am just not ready to let go. If I would I know I would recieve relief, my unmanagable life would be God managed. Again today I pray for the willingness even if I can't do the action.

Jenelle-ODAT its all we get anyway.I am glad your feeling better. Me too. Just acting "as if" makes my days go smoother.

Kat- So when is the big day and for how long so we can congratulate you? And where are you going?

Tracy- Feel free to come do my Christmas shopping. Personally I hate it. In fact I am just having this whole Christmas crisis this year. Its lost its spirituality and its traditions for me. I want it to be about our hearts and not about what we want.

Vanessa- Its cooling down here too. I have a rule about now turning on the heat until it gets to be below zero outside. We live on the 3rd floor and you can play total temeprature games up-down, and with the price of gas, I have become my German grandma, "Shut the door, and put on a sweater." This makes my husband rebellious, he such a creature of comfort. This morning I wake up and he is sitting like a fat, smug cat in front of the gas fireplace with it all lit. I am going to be roasting by noon.

I watched the "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". I really liked it, but what I was wondering is if you could just erase the hurtful memories and remember the best ones. Give us a clean slate for love. Just a thought.

Take care of yourselves today. May you seek and find beauty and love today.
Chris